


Counting Stars

by Luciferine



Series: Straight on 'Til Morning [4]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Birthdays, Compliant Only to the First Game, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Underage Drinking, Written Prior to Sequel Release, ellie gets hurt and joel is ready to bust some ass, emotionally constipated texans actually get their emotions out, fluffy camping fic, gratuitous use of lyrics not my own, joel would set the world burning if it made ellie smile ok, joel/ellie if you squint, with bonus singing!ellie and dancing under the stars, yay for brotherly bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-09
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-12-18 04:31:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 58,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/875662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luciferine/pseuds/Luciferine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of mostly unconnected oneshots set in SOTM 'verse. An introspection of life at the dam, and how Joel and Ellie do (or don't) fit into it. Ratings are T and up unless otherwise specified.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally titled 'The Magic Guitar'. Joel gives Ellie a very belated birthday gift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I've probably said this enough times by now, but this chapter has been edited and expanded as part of the SOTM series-wide edit. Note: The song Joel sings is Wake Me Up by Aloe Blacc. I thought it was fitting, considering his journey so far.

"Joel, it's not a big deal. At all. I seriously have no idea why this is bothering you so much." Ellie throws herself down on her cot, grateful not for the first time that she's gotten one of her own since Tommy decided to let them stay. She really wouldn't be helping her case too much if she dramatically threw herself onto Joel's cot. She doesn't consider the too-soft, too-bright bed in the other room that was Joel's, then hers, then neither.  _This_  is her room, where she has Joel less than an arm's length away from her. This is the only place she'll sleep. The only place  _he_  will.

The stubborn ass in question simply rolls his eyes, before throwing himself on his cot dramatically enough that she can just  _tell_  he's mocking her. Well, he still doesn't manage to be quite as dramatic as she had, but she digresses; it's hard to be more dramatic than her. She doesn't voice the thought, because she can already hear Joel teasing her about teenage mood swings.

"Of course it's a big deal.  _Birthdays_  are a big deal, especially at your age," he disagrees, crossing his arms in a way that means he's not giving in. Fantastic.

"They're not when you grew up in the middle of the fucking apocalypse," she mutters. Joel's face softens slightly and he sighs.

She doesn't even know how they got to talking about this. They were joking around, walking back from Tommy's after dinner, and Joel had been teasing her about her age again. She snarked back that she wasn't  _twelve_ , damn him, she was already fifteen. Basically an adult. He laughed for a moment, but then grew silent as he realized what she said. He hasn't stop pressing her about it since they got home.

"You tellin' me you never had a birthday? A real one? With people singing and… well, I guess presents would be hard to come by but-"

"No," she cuts him off. "No party. No singing. No presents. After my mom died… it's not like anyone at the military school cared, and Marlene didn't have the time for any of that stuff, obviously."

Even though they're past it, past what happened in Salt Lake City -even though they're really not, you can never be past something like that but they're giving it their damndest- Ellie still can't stop the grimace that crosses her face when she says Marlene's name. Joel notices, of course he does, fucking observant bastard, but he doesn't say anything. Just like she doesn't say anything at the anger, the sadness that flickers across his features, the way it always does when she mentions her crappy childhood.

No matter how many times she tells him it's fine, she's okay, she's here with him now and that's all that matters, he still seems to think he's failed her somehow. She knows he would go back and fix it all if he could, bust her out of military school and keep her safe. She knows, and knowing is enough for her. She just wishes it were enough for him.

"Besides," she continues, "it's not like they're that big of a deal. I mean, it's a day like any other. You don't magically get a year older on that day. It happens all year. So, really, there's no point." Joel is looking at her funny, and she shifts uncomfortably. "What?" she half-growls in his direction.

"Are you sure it doesn't bother you? Fifteen's a big number. Ain't there anythin'… I dunno. Anythin' you want?" She snorts in disbelief. If someone had told her, back when she first met Joel, that the man would be wringing his hands over a missed birthday, she would have laughed in their face. Or shot them, because that kind of crazy generally only comes when someone is infected. But for some reason, it seems to really be bothering him.

"Joel, it was months ago. I'm serious. Don't even worry about it. I've been fifteen for a good chunk of the time we were trying to get to the Fireflies." Not entirely true, but a bit of fibbing in her favor can't hurt. "If it matters to you that much, just wait until I turn sixteen and do something then." Hopefully he'd forget about it by then. Birthdays have never sat well with her. They always remind her of Before. Of a time when you can actually plan for things like that and not worry about getting your throat ripped out before you made it through another year.

There hadn't been celebrations in the Zone, but friends might try to sneak friends extra food or give them some stupid trinket found on the ground. She and Riley generally had the same outlook on birthdays, so they never gave each other anything. Not that Riley was alive to see very many.

It occurs to Ellie that it won't be long before she's older than Riley was when she died. And isn't that the fucking strangest thing. Out of the two of them, Ellie never thought she'd be the one to make it out alive.  _You were never meant to_ , she thinks grimly. That old guilt rises up again, the feeling that she's living on stolen time beginning to creep up on her.

She wonders, as she does more often than Joel would like, if the world would have been fixed by now. If the cure was real, if it had worked and she was dead and the vaccine was made, would enough time have passed to bring back the world from Before? It's dangerous to think about, and she doesn't dare let Joel find out she's letting it cross her mind.  _Don't think about it. Just don't think about any of it; it's over, move_ on _, it's over._

She becomes aware of Joel calling her name, and she shakes her head, clearing it. "Huh?" she asks. She's grateful for the distraction, and as she focuses on him she forces herself to remember that a cured world wouldn't have Joel in it, that he would have followed her into the ground as quickly as he could.  _You saved him_ , she reminds herself.  _He's the one that matters, and you save him every day that you don't turn around and go looking for the cure._

Joel looks at her worriedly, but doesn't question her any further. "I said, when's your birthday?" She looks at him blankly, not because she wasn't paying attention but because she realizes she had no way of talking herself out of this. "Y'know, the actual date?" he clarifies. She turns an interesting shade of red, wondering how obvious it would seem if she tried to distract him. "I mean, if I'm gonna do somethin', I have to know when… you have no idea, do you?" he asks with sudden clarity. She resolutely stares at the opposite wall. He sighs again. "Aw, Ellie…"

She knows it's not pity, never  _is_  pity coming from him, but it still chafes at her to see the way his expression falls. She can practically hear his internal monologue, sure that he's finding some way to blame himself for something that couldn't have been helped. Yeah, she had bad luck and a bad start but she got it right in the end, didn't she?

Maybe she was lonely back then, but now she has this massive idiot in front of her who worries over birthdays and gets angry on her behalf for things that happened long before he knew she existed. She cares and is cared for so deeply that sometimes she's terrified by the strength of it, so what does it matter if she was a sad, lonely kid? God, the universe, or whoever's in charge of that shit paid her back and then some. But Joel doesn't  _see_  that, and it hurts her to see him like this because of her.

"Right before the leaves fall," she blurts out. "That's what Marlene told me, anyways. The day before winter hits full force, when there's snow already on the ground but the leaves are still bright. She said I was born on a day like that. So, that's how I count them now, my birthdays." She remembers the answer perfectly; after she was bitten, and Riley… after it was over, and after they realized she wouldn't turn –after she didn't have to stare down the barrel of Marlene's gun any longer- she stayed with the older woman while they figured out what to do.

Numb and scared out of her mine, Ellie asked whatever questions she could think of that didn't involve her immunity. What was her mom like? What was her  _real_ birthday, because she was sick of 'celebrating' on the Fourth of July with every other orphan who didn't know where they came from? Who was her dad?

Marlene had answered as best as she could between frenzied Firefly meetings, which wasn't much. Still, Ellie learned a bit about her mother –that she  _looks like her_ , which is more comforting to know than she would have thought- and an approximate time of the year for her birthday. Nothing about her dad, except that he wasn't a Firefly. It was better than nothing, and more than Ellie would've had otherwise.

Joel is silent for a moment, and she's sure he doesn't share her outlook on the whole thing.  _Better than nothing_  doesn't seem to cut it in Joel's book, especially when it comes to her. Ellie studies her fingernails, ashamed for no real reason she can explain.

"C'mere," Joel says, extending a hand. She looks up, smiles a little embarrassedly, taking his hand and letting him pull her down beside him. He plays with stray strands of her hair, a habit he's picked up when he's gearing up to say something important. She makes a mental note to just leave her hair down when they're not running errands for Tommy or Maria, that way Joel could have more to work with. "Anyone ever teach you the date of the outbreak?" He asks her, voice uncharacteristically quiet. Ellie nods, a little confused at where he's going with this.

"Twenty-sixth of September," she replies automatically. That's one of the few facts she knows for sure about Before. When it ended. She knows a whole lot about endings. She wishes she could collect a few more beginnings.

Joel nods, and he's smiling, but it's not a good smile. It's bitter, like the ones he used to wear in their own personal Before. Before Salt Lake City. Before the hospital. Before they realized separation would kill them, literally. "Joel?" she asks softly, bumping him in the shoulder to bring him back to the present. He's slipping off to the dark places in his head where she can't follow. She doesn't like when he gets lost there. It frightens her; she worries she's never going to get him back. But, like every time before, he snaps out of it.

"It was..." he trails off with a dark chuckle she doesn't like in the slightest. "It was my birthday. Barely passed over to the next day when it hit where I was. Where we were." And he's thinking about Sarah, she can feel it.

Ellie gets the queasy feeling in her gut that she always does now, when she knows he's thinking about his daughter. She's not jealous. It's not nearly as simple as that. But she holds resentment, which she knows is stupid and she wouldn't tell Joel even if she had a gun pressed to her head. Ellie resents the dead girl- perfect, innocent Sarah, because she haunts her dad. Because even though she's long gone, Joel still wakes up choking on a scream some nights.

And Ellie is not her replacement. She knows that. Ellie is  _Ellie_  and she holds an entirely different part of Joel's heart in her own, unique way. And in a bitter, angry part of her mind she takes solace in the fact that he survived Sarah dying, but he proved on a number of occasions he couldn't,  _wouldn't_  make it without Ellie. She's not jealous of a dead girl she never knew. Hell, she probably would've liked Sarah if she'd known her, if for no other reason than because Joel loved her and she made him happy, and Ellie can appreciate that more than anyone.

Ellie is not Joel's kid. Doesn't want to be his kid. They're EllieandJoel. Equals. But she's forever angry that Joel has to live with Sarah's death on his shoulders. And maybe, she's equal parts angry and grateful to Sarah for not making it. Angry because Joel will always live with that but grateful because she remembers what Bill said all those months ago, about loving people getting you killed in this world. And she knows, like she knows so many other things about Joel, that he wouldn't have lasted very long without Sarah's death to harden him.

"Ellie?" Joel's voice is still soft, as if he's worried about startling her. She looks at him, really looks at him, and for a second she thinks she can see everyone he ever was. The kid who wanted to be a singer, the loving father, the ruthless man whose works spawn most of Joel's nightmares, the gruff and tired man she'd met, and the man he is now, new and different and slightly uncomfortable in his new skin. She throws her arms around his neck and buries her head in the crook of his neck. He makes a surprised noise, but wraps his arms around her regardless.

"I'm really sorry," she whispers against his neck, knowing he'll understand. Sorry for what he's lost. For what he's seen and what he still has to see.

"Me, too," he says, only she knows he means it for her sake and not his own. They stay like that for a long while. Joel's ridiculously warm, and it's getting late, and she finds herself slipping off into sleep despite the fact that he's still  _sad_  and she wants to help but she just doesn't know how.

"Hey, Joel?" she mutters, the sound muffled by his skin. He chuckles and shifts, trying to make her more comfortable.

"Yeah?" She can hear the smile in his voice, and grins.

"I know what I want for my very, very belated birthday present," she informs him. She's been too shy to ask before now, not sure if the night he sang for her was just a fluke, a one-time thing meant to bridge the gap between them. Sometimes when she can't sleep and ends up curled beside him, he'll hum quietly when he thinks she's asleep, but it's not the same.

He promised her guitar lessons, but there never seems to be time and he hasn't brought it up so maybe that was just a one-time thing, too. The instrument sits collecting dust in the spare room, the rest of Ellie's things having migrated quickly into their shared room. But she remembers the sound of his voice and the way it made her feel and she really,  _really_  wants to hear it again.

"Oh? So you've changed your mind, then?" he teases gently.  _Bastard_ , she thinks fondly.

"Mhm," she mumbles out. He laughs outright, now.

"Alright, shoot. What is it you want?" He sounds genuinely curious, beneath the amusement.

"Want you to sing for me again…" she mumbles. There's silence then, and her breathing evens out after a while, leaving a very confused Joel to mull over her request.

Sometime later, Ellie wakes up, muddled and alone.

"Joel?" she mumbles, sure he's somewhere and she can't see him. No answer. "Joel?" Louder, now. Still no answer. She gets up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She stumbles outside, noticing it's gotten dark. It's a beautiful night. Not a cloud in sight. She'd be admiring the stars if her heart wasn't about to jump out of her throat. "Joel, where the hell did you go?" And for once, horrible moment, she thinks the worst. He's dead. He left her. He left her and then got attacked and died. Or he's infected. She's nearly hyperventilating, about to run to Tommy and Maria's and enlist their help, when she hears… something.

She's only heard a guitar the one time, but she can recognize the noise easily enough. And it's coming from… the roof? She spins around, facing their cabin.

"Well, look who decided to rejoin the land o' the livin'," Joel drawls, picking at the strings of the battered old guitar. Ellie blinks, not entirely sure she's actually awake. Not just because Joel is sprawled on the roof with a fucking guitar, but because he looks  _happy_. He's grinning like an idiot, holding the instrument like it's his baby, and his grin just gets wider every time it makes a sound. It's so far from  _that_  night, when he was nervous and exhausted and missing her like crazy, that she honestly can't believe he's here, that he's doing this for  _her._

"Wha- huh?" Ellie manages. Joel laughs, that and the guitar the only sounds in the otherwise silent night.  _Yep, definitely still dreaming,_  she thinks. The sweetest, best sort of dream, but still a dream. She pinches herself and grimaces at the sting.  _Okay, maybe not._

"D'you like it?" Joel asks, still with that grin. Ellie does a double-take and makes some noise that sounds vaguely affirmative. All the excitement, all the joy that should have come the first time he decided to sing for her is bubbling up now and she's giddy with it. They're okay, they're together again and better than ever and  _Joel is gonna sing to her on the roof._

He tips his head to the side in a 'get up here' gesture. His grin is nearly splitting his face at this point, and it's incredibly infectious. Suddenly, Ellie is laughing, nearly shrieking with it, grabbing his arm when he extends it and letting herself be pulled up. She'll probably wake up more than half the town with the noise she's making but she doesn't fucking care. Maria can chew her out for it tomorrow, but Joel's here  _now_  and she thinks she's never liked him better than like this, guitar thrown over his lap and teeth flashing white in the dark as he takes in her delight.

She throws her arms around him because she  _has_  to touch him, has to make sure he's real and actually this happy with her and she's still laughing and making entirely ecstatic noises and he's laughing too and it's amazing.

"Well, you wanted me to sing, and I couldn't very well do that without accompaniment, now could I?" And she's so happy she wants to scream and dance and fucking Joel he  _would_  pull the guitar out when she least expected it, would take it onto the fucking roof for her birthday to surprise her and she could fucking kiss him right now and she thinks she might cry. "I'll take that as a yes?" he asks, his tone flippant but his expression entirely hopeful.

"Yes! Of course, what else would it be, dumbass? Joel… what the hell? How? Where? You never told me where." She makes a frustrated noise as her mouth fails to catch up to her brain. He pulls her closer, laughing again, and she's warm and so happy that happy isn't even the right word for it.

"A welcome present from Tommy. You think  _I'm_ bad, but if we let on you turned fifteen on the road, you bet your ass he'd agree with me that there was no way in hell we were waitin' until your next birthday-"

"It's already nearly summer, Joel. It wouldn't be that long," she reminds him. He snorts and tugs gently on a strand of hair.

"You want me to tell you the story or not?" She holds up her hands in mock surrender. "Thought so. Anyways, Tommy found this old hunk of junk somewhere and fixed it up best he could. Figured he made up for all my missed birthdays and the next few comin' up." Joel rolls his eyes.

"That's sweet," Ellie says. It's not a word she would ever have expected to use describing anyone related to Joel, but Tommy  _is_ sweet, and she doesn't think Joel realizes just how much his little brother still cares about him. She's more grateful for Tommy Miller than she expected to be, not only for giving them a safe place to live but for giving Joel at least  _some_  part of his past to hold onto.

Joel huffs. "What'd I tell you 'bout interruptin"?" Another tug on her hair. She pretends to be annoyed, swatting at him and then ruining the effect when her face breaks into a grin. "Long story short, I got an early birthday present for your belated one. So." His face is so smug she has to laugh. He nudges her with his shoulders, clearly fighting off a smile. "What?"

"You're really proud of yourself, aren't you?" she asks.

"Damn straight," he says, and his eyes are brighter than she's ever seen and she  _has_  to be dreaming, right? Things like this don't happen in this world, and they definitely don't happen to her. She must be dreaming, she reasons. But really, is that any reason not to go with it?

"Okay, music man. What're you gonna play me?" she teases, leaning her head against his shoulder. The night isn't freezing, but his skin is warm beneath his shirt and it just feels  _good._ She's learning she doesn't have to justify herself or pay the world back for doing something that makes her happy and warm inside. Joel definitely doesn't seem to mind; she's sure she sees his mouth twitch into a smile before he huffs in frustration.

"That's the thing. I remember a whole lot more than I thought I did, which actually makes things a lot fuckin' harder than you'd think. I dunno what to play." And he seems genuinely annoyed by this, as if the songs are purposely mocking him with their abundance. She thinks about that for a minute, shifting her head so her chin is resting on his shoulder.

"Play me everything," she tells him. He gives her a strange look.

"That might take a while," he tells her. She shrugs, trying to keep casual when she's almost too excited to form words.

"Good. You can play me some every night for as long as you have something to play." And if that's not the fucking best idea she's ever had, she will eat her joke book. She's wearing this fucking stupid grin, she can see it reflected in his eyes, but he's smiling too so she guesses that's okay. His eyes look shiny for a second, like he's gonna cry, but then he blinks and it's gone, and she figures she imagined it, or else saw the reflection of some passing star. "Sound good?" she asks.

He inclines his head. "Yeah. It… it sounds real good." His voice has gone all quiet and low like it does when he's upset, but she knows he isn't. And it occurs to Ellie that they're actually making plans, actual plans that span a significant period of time and that is major, that is having faith they'll survive long enough. It's a promise that feels a lot bigger than any they've made before.

They kinda stare at each other for a moment that should be awkward but really isn't. Joel clears his throat and looks down at the guitar. He exhales, and Ellie thinks she can detect a shake in his breathing. "Okay," he says, more to himself than her. She's about to tease him about being nervous, but stops at the last second. She wonders if he's remembering the last time he sang to her, and she hopes he's not worried. There's nothing to lose here, nothing to go wrong. She could tell him that, but she thinks  _showing_ it would be better. She sits very quietly and waits.

She hears him count under his breath, and then suddenly there's music and he's singing, Joel is actually fucking singing and she can listen without the heaviness in her chest and it's  _perfect_.

 _"Feelin' my way through the darkness, guided by a beating heart…"_  Ellie can't even breathe. It's beautiful. She's never heard anything like it in her entire life.  _"I can't tell where the journey will end, but I know where to start…"_  She looks at Joel, looks at his face, and sees that, aside from the determined concentration, his face is… relaxed. There's no worry or fear or anxiousness. He looks really fucking happy and Ellie has to look up to avoid tears from falling. The stars look so big, and so bright, and she's filled with an emotion she can't even name. It swells in her chest and chokes her and she's never been so happy. It hurts, but it's the good sort of pain that she doesn't want to  _stop_. It's just on the right side on unbearable.

 _"So wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older, all this time I was finding myself and I didn't know I was lost…"_  He's good. Really, really good. He could've been a singer. She's never heard anything even close to Joel's voice and she's hit with the sudden regret that he'll never get to do that. To be that. That he'll never have an audience screaming his name and cheering after every song. She's all he's got. She decides to be the best fucking one-woman audience in the world.  _"I tried carryin' the weight of the world, but I only had two hands… Hope I'll get the chance to travel the world, but I don't have any plans…"_  He looks up for a minute, at her, and she starts grinning again but it's so much more than that, and she's sure he can see it in her eyes, and he must because he ducks his head, a huge smile on his face.  _"Life's a game made for everyone and love is the prize…"_

He bursts into the chorus again, and she's sure everyone in the town must be able to hear him because damn, the man's got some lungs on him, and they're probably keeping people awake but fuck it he's amazing, he's amazing and this all for  _her_.

 _"I didn't know I was lost…"_  The final chords fade away into the night, leaving them in silence. Ellie doesn't notice she's crying until he reaches up and wipes a tear with his thumb. She starts clapping and hollering loud enough to wake the dead and she doesn't care she doesn't fucking  _care_ , it would be entirely worth it. Joel ducks his head again and mumbles something that she assumes is a thank you. She throws herself at him, hugging him so hard her arms ache but she doesn't want to let go.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, I loved it." She's nearly sobbing into his shirt which doesn't make sense she's  _happy_ where the fuck are the tears coming from? And he's hugging her back, so hard she thinks he might break something but she doesn't fucking care she's laughing and crying all at once and it's heaven. When she dies, if there's a heaven, all she wants it to be is this moment over and over again, forever. He murmurs something into her hair. "Hmm?" she asks.

He shakes his head. "Nothin'. I'm glad you liked it." She  _knows_  that's not what he said, knows he's lying but he sounds almost afraid and she can't do that, can't make him talk if he's not ready. His voice is thick, but she doesn't mention it because it would just embarrass him. Instead, she just holds him tighter.

"I can't believe you did this," she says.

He shrugs. "Lotta missed birthdays to make up for. I had to make it special."

She laughs, because if she doesn't then he's going to make her start crying again and she will  _not_  let that happen. "I'd say you broke even. That was definitely worth fifteen birthdays. You're probably covered for the next few years, too," she teases.

Joel snorts. "Like hell I am." And it's all part of the joke, she knows, except it isn't. He's looking at her and his expression is more serious than she expected. "'Sides, you don't need special occasions to ask me for things. You know that, right?"

"So you'll sing for me again?" She means to laugh it off, make some comment about being bored of her Walkman, but she finds herself completely serious, too.

"'Course I will, whenever you want me to." He nudges her, a slow half-smile creeping onto his face. "Every night, yeah? We've got a while 'fore I run out. We can finally get 'round to those lessons I promised."

She tries to say more, but then he's looking at her again with that expression she doesn't know what to do with and she stumbles and chokes on her words. "You're a fucking sap, did anyone ever tell you that?" she teases instead, even though the words are shaky and her voice is just a little too high.

They sit there for a long time, watching the stars. She's honest-to-god terrified that something awful is about to happen, that someone upstairs is going to notice that her life isn't shit at the moment and decide to shake things up again. But the seconds go by without any catastrophes and she lets herself relax. Joel strums the guitar absent-mindedly with one hand, threading his fingers through her hair with the other.

And because life is good, because she's sprawled with her best friend across the roof of their house and nothing is trying to kill them, Ellie grabs the guitar and kisses the damn thing. It's just a silly, stupid moment of impulse and it's wonderful. She can do shit like that, now. She can be  _impulsive_ and  _stupid_ and not worry about getting anyone killed. It's freedom like she's never felt before. Joel starts laughing. "What  _are_  you doin'?" he asks, shaking his head fondly.

"It's magic," she tells him, because that's what it feels like. The music, the night,  _him_. But it's a lot easier to just blame it on the guitar. He raises a brow at her.

"That so?" he asks. She nods, completely serious. He waits for her to crack a smile, his expression turning softer when she doesn't. "You're a weird kid," he teases, but his voice is gentle.

"It makes you happy," she explains. His smile fades, and there's that look again. He turns his head, staring out at the bright lights of the dam, and she think she sees him swallow hard a few times.

"Not as much as seeing you happy," he admits. She tilts her head back, looking up at the stars.

"Maybe I'm magic, too," she jokes.

"I'd say so," Joel says, dead serious and quiet enough that he must think she doesn't hear.

She does.


	2. ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally titled 'Swimming and Other Life Lessons'. Joel teaches Ellie to swim. Some unwanted company arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: You know the drill by now; if you're coming back for a second read and think this chapter's a little bigger than you remember, it's because it's been edited as part of a series-wide project. For this particular chapter, I wanted to explore Louvenia's issues with Joel and her interest in Ellie a little more than I previously did. Enjoy.

"I am  _not_  going in there, Joel," Ellie informs him, voice deadly serious. He's trying to keep his face stern, he really is, but it's a good day and for the first time in ages he doesn't remember any nightmares. So, he allows himself a slight smile at her stubbornness. Ellie shivers beside him and runs her hands down her arms to keep warm, unaware of his amusement. They're standing at the edge of the lake beside the dam, in t-shirts and shorts despite the cool morning air.

"You can't keep goin' around not knowin' how to swim, Ellie. It just don't work like that. We live beside a dam, for cryin' out loud." Her expression of complete distaste doesn't change, and he sighs. "C'mon. It'll be fun. I won't let you drown, I promise." For a moment, he remembers Salt Lake City, remembers her pale and still and  _not breathing_ , and he's filled with something very much like panic. They've been lucky so far, but what if next time… "Please?" he mutters, and she looks over at him and sees his expression and he knows he's got her now. Her eyes soften and she bites her lip, nodding. She mutters something that sounds vaguely like a curse before peering over the water's edge

"Why are we here so goddamn early, anyways?" she asks, blowing her bangs out of her eyes with a frustrated huff.

She has a point there, Joel concedes. Fog is still settled over the town, and he can't hear many people up and about.  _Good._  His mouth twitches into a frown for a second, disappearing right before Ellie can see it. Adjusting to Jackson hasn't been easy on either of them, and the last thing he wants is to worry her any more. He knows she isn't oblivious to the looks they get; to the way the townspeople give them a  _damn_  wide berth. Neither of them are keen on making friends, but they're also wary of being strangers in a town that was relatively close-knit before their arrival.

He schools his expression into something a bit more relaxed before answering her. "'Cause it's cooler out, and we'll be able to take our time and not worry 'bout anyone interruptin' us. The last thing you need is more distractions," he teases, nudging her in the shoulder.

"Are you implying I have a short attention span?" she asks, mock-affronted. He snorts.

"Ain't no 'implying' 'bout it. You do," he informs her, joking with a lightness he suddenly doesn't feel. "Now get in," he says, poking her between the shoulder blades. "If you jump in, you'll get used to the temperature faster."

"It looks cold," she groans.

"That's probably 'cause it is. Now, either you get in or I put you in," he warns her. She snorts.

"You wouldn't-  _FUCK_!" Ellie shrieks as he pushes her forward. He has about a second to be smug about getting the drop on her before he realizes her hand is around his wrist. Her momentum adds a surprising amount of force, sending them both splashing into the water.

"Well, that was fuckin' graceful," Joel manages, spluttering up water.

Ellie shakes herself like a dog and glares at him. " _Not. Cool_ ," she grinds out, coughing up water.

He shrugs innocently. "I warned you," he reminds her. "Well, now you're in. How d'you feel?" he asks.

She moves around in the water a bit, expression thoughtful. "Cold. Wet. But not like I'm dying. So, that's a plus," she offers.

A short, barking laugh claws itself out of his throat before he can stop it. He masks it with a cough and crosses his arms. "Alright. Let's start with somethin' simple. Floatin'."

Ellie looks at him like he's got a couple of screws loose. "I think I can manage floating without being taught," she says, raising an eyebrow.

He gestures to the deeper part of the lake. "Be my guest."

She eyes the lake warily, as if it's hiding some great and terrible creature. "There's… there's nothing in here, right?" she asks quietly.

"Like?" he prompts, trying to keep the laughter from bubbling up.

She gives him a look that says he's not doing a very good job. "I dunno. Anything that can eat me? Sharks? Gators? Crocs?" Her eyes get wider with each word.

Joel tamps down his amusement and shakes his head at her concerns. "As far as I know, none of those critters live in freshwater lakes in these parts. There might be some fish. And plants. That's it. C'mon. I'll come with you. If you start getting nervous you can just grab onto me," he assures her. She mumbles some more curses and slowly makes her way across the lake. He snorts at her exaggerated movements. "You look like a fuckin' flamingo," he calls out, following her.

"Fuck off," she calls back, more as a reflex than out of any real spite. "You know, this really isn't so-" Suddenly she shrieks and falls backwards, arms flailing wildly.

"Ellie?" And the sudden fear that comes over him is entirely illogical. They're in a lake, for fuck's sakes. There is literally nothing dangerous. And yet, he still finds himself running to catch up with her. He grabs her by the collar and pulls her up, nearly dropping her again when she attaches herself to him like a damn starfish. "The hell are you doin', girl?" he half-growls, relieved she's alright but somewhat irked that she spooked the living shit out of him for no damn reason.

"My foot!" she yelps. "Something touched my foot, I'm telling you!" Joel rolls his eyes heavenwards and mutters a plea for guidance.

"Ellie. Nothin' touched your damn foot. Now get off me and stop wastin' time. You're gonna learn how to at least doggie paddle your way 'round, even if it kills me." Which, he muses as he extracts Ellie's arm from his neck, it very well might.

He somehow manages to get her focused, which is a miracle in itself. She's a bit clumsy, but for her first try, it's pretty damn impressive. She crows happily with every new achievement, getting her mouth filled with water half the fucking time and ending up coughing and spluttering and hollering loud enough to wake the dead. It's at these points where he has to step in and help her right herself, usually by just standing there and letting her pull herself up on his arm.

"I ain't a fuckin' jungle gym, you know," he mutters around the third or fourth time this happens, when the damned girl somehow manages to step on his hip while he's standing and honestly, she  _has_  to be doing it on purpose, there's no way she got her foot there by  _accident._

"A jungle what?" Ellie asks, pausing her attempts to right herself and shooting him a curious look. He shakes his head and makes a dismissive gesture with the hand not supporting her.

"Nothin'. Just somethin' kids used to play on Before. You didn't miss much," he assures her. She doesn't seem too bothered by it, like she sometimes does when he mentions things from Before, but he still feels a little guilty and doesn't make any fuss when Ellie kicks him in the side as she pushes off to continue swimming. "Dammit, Ellie…" Well, not  _that_  much fuss. They continue like this for a while until the sun comes up, and the temperature seems to increase from one moment to the next.

"Fuck, it's hot," Ellie mutters, dunking herself underneath the lake's surface to cool off. She seems more at ease in the water, which is something, at least. Joel grunts his agreement and looks towards the town, a frown engraved in his face. The weather is warm and bright, which means company soon enough. "So… you gonna tell me what's going on or…?" Ellie trails off when she comes back up, looking at him knowingly.

"Nothing's goin' on. Just… uh, five more minutes and then we call it a day. Tommy probably needs help with somethin', and we can't just be freeloadin' 'round his place all the time." Ellie makes a disbelieving noise.

"Uh-huh. I'm sure that's exactly it." She's treading water somewhat clumsily beside him, practicing even though she could probably stand if she wanted to.

"Your sarcasm needs some work."

"Practice makes perfect. Asshole. Now tell me what's going on." She stands now, crossing her arms.

"Or what? You gonna beat it outta me?" he teases. She gives him a look. He decides giving her ideas might not be wise.

"Joel, I'm serious. What's going on? Is everything okay?" She frowns, obviously running through lists of possibilities. "Did Tommy say something? Are we not allowed to stay anymore?" Her eyes grow wide. "Because if he was gonna kick us out, I guess summer would be the nicest time to do it and Tommy would never screw us over on purpose -"

"Ellie," he interrupts. "Breathe, girl. It's fine. Tommy's not kickin' us out. Listen, I'll tell you back at home. Let's just-" He's interrupted by the sound of chatter coming from the direction if the town. He groans quietly. "Great. Just fuckin' amazin'," he growls. Ellie whips her head around, body tense. He grimaces, kicking himself internally for worrying her over something so petty. He runs a hand down her back in an effort to calm her. "Easy," he murmurs. "We're fine."

"What's wrong?" she asks quietly, hand curling in the wet fabric of his shirt. "Joel?" Her alarm is painfully obvious, and guilt makes him grind his teeth. He shushes her gently, nodding in the direction of the noise. "Oh. Them? They're just people, Joel."

He feels the tension bleed out of her with no small amount of relief, and even bears her admonishing stare without complaint. They stand there for a moment, observing the gaggle of women as they gather on the bank, baskets of laundry in hand. Joel makes a less-than-polite noise, never once taking his eyes off the group.

Ellie elbows him in response to his attitude. "Stop that. They're women, Joel, not Infected. What'd they ever do to you?" she hisses quietly.

His eyes rest on her for a moment, considering. He decides it best not to answer. "Mm," he mumbles evasively. It's not a lie; he's not breaking the unspoken promise between them. He knows she would be angry, or worse, saddened by his explanation.

"Looking for anyone in particular?" she asks after a few moment of Joel rather obviously searching the group. "Is… is Esther with them?"

He's not exactly surprised to hear Ellie ask that, even if he is a little hurt that she still seems convinced he'll wake up one morning and decide to run off with the older woman, leaving her behind.

Ellie and Esther have gotten along alright, Ellie's natural mistrust of strangers aside, mostly talking about the horses and sharing crappy jokes. Ellie's joke repertoire is bigger, and her smugness upon realizing that was a sight to behold. He hasn't failed to notice that she never strays too far from his side at the stables, her hand always in his or within grabbing distance. He never mentions it; he knows she's frightened, and if he can convince her not to be by staying close, then he will. Esther, perceptive as she is, sees all of it and does nothing but smile and offer Ellie treats to feed the horses.

Esther's more familiar to them than any of the other residents, though she's little more than a stranger. It definitely doesn't help matter that they don't hang around the stables as much as he used to, because he has Ellie back and she never seems able to relax entirely over there. That, he supposes, says a lot about their situation as it is.

"Esther ain't with 'em," he assures her, through he'd be grateful for the other woman's presence right about now. "I'm lookin' for the blonde," he mutters rather unhelpfully. Ellie gives him a frustrated look.

"A specific blonde, or just in general?" she asks cheekily. He narrows his eyes at her. She raises her hands pacifyingly. "Alright, alright. Someone specific. Why? You got a crush or something?" Ellie teases, though her grin seemed just a bit strained as she watches the concern he knows is coloring his expression. Joel jostles her playfully in an effort to put her at ease.

"On her? Hardly," he mutters, grimacing at the very idea of it. If he can't imagine a life with Esther, good and decent woman that she is, how on earth could he have any sort of feelings towards  _that_ woman? Ellie relaxes against him, chuckling at his expression. "Hm. There we go. Far left. You see 'er?" He nods in the direction he's looking, the woman in question standing a little ways off from the group, her fair hair tied tightly into a bun.

"Yeah. What about her? Do you even know her name, or are we just gonna call her 'The Blonde'?" Ellie asks with a quirked eyebrow. She grabs his shoulder and pulls herself up to see better, managing to kick his side again.

He steadies her with a hand on her hip, doing his best to ignore the stares he can feel burning holes into him. "Louvenia. Can't recall her last name. She… well, she came by to introduce herself a while back," he informs her quietly.

She gives him a confused look. "And where the hell was I when this happened?" she asks.

He shrugs sheepishly. "With Maria, tryin' to find some new clothes. It's fine, Ellie. Tommy had my back. You didn't miss anythin'," he promises her. She doesn't seem very convinced.

"Seems like she left one hell of an impression," Ellie notes, eyes briefly darting to him, and then to the woman on the shore. Joel snorts loudly.

"She's somethin', that's for sure." Ellie snickers, amused by his tone. She shifts her weight right then, causing Joel to lose his footing. They both end up crashing back into the water with more than a few colorful curses. Ellie is shrieking with laughter before she even hits the water, previous concerns entirely forgotten. Joel manages an amused snort before he remembers they're not alone.

"Nice one, dumbass," she chuckles. He doesn't reply, and Ellie shoves him in the shoulder. "What, no witty quip? I'm shocked!" she exclaims, pushing her soaked bangs away from her eyes. She's giggling when she notices Joel's face, and her own expression falls immediately. "Joel?" she tries again, voice small. A burst of chatter rushes out across the water, and she turns her head to look over at the women. "What's their problem?" she asks, obviously hearing them tittering to each other and seeing them glance every once in a while in her and Joel's direction. Joel makes a sound that's frighteningly close to a growl, beyond irritated at their audacity. Louvenia stares straight at them, disapproval radiating from her.

"C'mon, Ellie," Joel mutters, getting up. Ellie grabs his hand and pulls herself up.

The chatter intensifies and he tenses, dropping her hand almost immediately. He doesn't look at her face, but he can hazard a guess at what it looks like. She recoils slightly and he grimaces, guilt gnawing at his gut. He'll have to explain that one later. Currently, he has bigger problems to deal with. He glances at the women, feeling less prepared than he would being faced with a pack of Infected. He trudges back to shore, hoping against hope that they'll let them pass.

"Well, isn't this a surprise? Good morning," Louvenia greets him, voice sugar-sweet, and the perfect howdy-neighbour smile on her face. Her eyes are tight, the only evidence of her distaste to be seen. She's never been openly hostile to him, which only pisses him off more. He can handle aggression when it's right in his face, but he doesn't have the stomach or the patience for playing games like this. He wonders if she's like this to everyone she disapproves of, or if his brother's support has made her wary.

"I didn't peg you for an early riser," she admits, setting her basket down like she's getting comfortable for a long conversation.

Joel curses internally.  _No such luck_. He slows to a stop, attempts to plaster something that can pass for a smile on his face.

"Louvenia," he acknowledges her gruffly, nodding in her direction. He can feel the tension radiating off of the girl behind him, and hopes to whoever's listening that they get through this quickly and painlessly. Ellie doesn't appreciate ambushes any more than he does, and the last thing he wants is for her to have to endure a bunch of judgemental strangers picking apart their every move.

"Won't you introduce us to your friend, Lou?" one of the other women asks, stepping forward and smiling sweetly. Smiling back is incredibly difficult, especially when they see Ellie and purse their lips, like there's something  _wrong_ with her, like she should be ashamed…

Louvenia gasps at her oversight, as if she's just dirtied her Sunday best. The sound grates at his self-control; the taste of copper floods his mouth as he bites down hard on his tongue to contain himself. "Of course. I'm forgetting my manners. Joel, these are the ladies. Ladies, this is Joel, Tommy's brother," she informs them.  _As if they don't already know_ , he thinks to himself bitterly. People haven't stopped staring at him or Ellie since they got here. He highly doubts he's a stranger to anyone here.

While he stews, Louvenia runs through the names of all the women, none of which Joel bothers to commit to memory. He doesn't recognize them from Tommy's countless failed matchmaking attempts, meaning they're all either taken or nowhere near the type of people he can stomach. Right now, he's leaning towards the latter.

He nods and endures their brainless chatter for the appropriate length of time. He starts to move away, hoping they'll let them leave now, but Louvenia continues. "And behind him -she's so shy, isn't that adorable- is his…" she trails off then, words failing her so conveniently that Joel doesn't believe for a second that it's genuine.

Curiosity burns on the faces of the other women, and he can just imagine them gossiping about that very question. He knows whenever Tommy or Maria refer to Ellie as anything other than her name, they call her 'Joel's girl' and leave it at that. It doesn't take a genius to realize there's no family resemblance between them, and Joel's not stupid enough to think people won't talk. He's about to change the subject and get out of this special circle of hell when Ellie beats him to it.

"Ellie," the girl in question answers. Her voice is surprisingly strong as she steps out from behind him. Pride bubbles up inside of him, and a small smile creeps across his face. "I'm Ellie." She crosses her arms, looking impressively confrontational considering she looks like a half-drowned kitten. She looks around at each of the women, looking them in the eye. More than a few flush embarrassedly or simply refuse to meet her gaze. Joel does his best to bite back a laugh.  _That's my girl_.

"Of course. Ellie, I'm Louvenia," the older woman says, recovering gracefully with her smile still in place. Her tone is lighter now, more genuine. "But you can call me Lou; all my friends do." She holds out a hand. Ellie stares at it. Joel does him best to hold back laughter. He has the immense pleasure of watching the woman flounder momentarily at Ellie's disregard for social conventions. "You're… you're meant to shake it, sweetheart," she tells Ellie quietly. There's no condescension in her tone, which somehow makes it worse. She seems genuinely sympathetic towards Ellie, and it irks him beyond belief.  _She don't need your fuckin' pity, woman._

"Wouldn't want to get your pretty dress all wet," Ellie responds with a smile that could freeze hell. Joel guffaws, quickly masking it with a cough. He doesn't think he fools anyone.

For a moment, he swears he sees a flash of genuine hurt on the woman's face. He doesn't know what else she was expecting. Louvenia clears her throat lightly. "That's very thoughtful of you." She quickly shifts the topic. "Went for a swim, I see?" Her eyes rest pointedly on their soaked-through shirts and the water dripping off of them. "You seemed to be having quite a bit of fun." She's looking at him as she says it and he has to grit his teeth at her tone, because  _fuck_.

He doesn't like the motivation behind it or the implications it brings up. He's not in the habit of hitting the unarmed when there's no need for it, but he'd really like to wipe that holier-than-thou, disapproving look off her face.  _Christ, woman. I get it, you hate me. Can we fuckin' move on already?_ Shit, he is so  _very_  not good at this. At people, at social interaction. He hasn't been for years.

"Uh… yeah." He clears his throat awkwardly. "I was teachin' Ellie how to swim." A few eyebrows are raised at him. He does his best to ignore them. He's never been good with disapproving women, much less when they're staring him down; this was fucking exactly what he was trying to avoid.

"Is that right?" Louvenia inclines her head, looking at Ellie. Joel almost shifts to block her from view, but that's not going to do either of them any good. He doesn't miss the way the woman looks to Ellie to confirm what he just said.

Her eyes are kindly concerned, and he can just imagine what she's thinking;  _you can trust me, sweetheart. Go ahead and speak up if he's lying._ What  _else_  would they have been doing in the fucking lake? The whole thing is so ridiculous he wants to tear his hair out, but he won't give Louvenia the satisfaction and he definitely won't worry Ellie like that.

"They never taught us in the Z- the quarantine zone. And it's kinda inconvenient," Ellie puts in. She seems just as uncomfortable in this situation as he does, if not more so. He's not sure whether or not that makes him feel any better. The women titter to themselves, eyes pitying. The sympathy on their faces is downright infuriating.

"I'm sure there's a lot they didn't teach you there, sweetheart. Shouldn't you be in school? As fun as swimming must be, you do need an education." And now some of those damn harpies are looking at him, like he's the devil reincarnate for letting the girl have some fun and learn a valuable skill instead of being stuck in a room with a bunch of kids for hours on end.

Even Maria had agreed that school –which was really just a room where the kids were taught by a rotating shift of townsfolk who knew enough to explain a few subjects- wouldn't be all that beneficial to the girl. Besides, the final say is Ellie's- as if she would  _ever_  agree to that when she could be exploring the town with him.

"For what? Quizzing the Clickers?" Ellie counters. Joel has to hide a smirk at that. Ellie's standing a little straighter, now. She's gotten taller, so that gives her at least some semblance of a presence. Louvenia's good-natured smile falters for a second.

"You shouldn't talk about those awful things, sweetheart. You don't have to worry about them anymore; the good Lord sent you to us so you could be safe." And there go the looks at him again. He grinds his jaw. What was he supposed to do? It wasn't like she couldn't come face to face with Infected every fucking day. He couldn't avoid that, no matter how much he wanted to. Don't they get that? He'd do  _anything_  to shield her from that part of the world, but it just isn't possible.

"Why? Is God gonna punish me for talking about them?" Ellie says, more than slightly patronizingly.

Louvenia's smile falls completely off her face. "Don't take the Lord's name in vain, sweetheart. It's a sin." Joel snorts, unable to control himself. Of course, the bible-thumpers manage to survive the apocalypse. Like fucking cockroaches.

"I've done a hell of a lot worse. And I'm not your  _fucking_ sweetheart. Come on, Joel." She grabs his hand, tangling their fingers together and pulling him in the other direction.

"Ladies," Joel nods at them before quickly following. He bites back a grin at the pure shock on their faces, hurrying after Ellie as quickly as he can. He's not entirely sure she won't yank his arm off in her dash to get away. Ellie curses a blue streak under her breath.

"Pretentious bitch… who does she think she is, anyways…as if life wasn't hard enough…" Joel's shaking with barely contained laughter. Her eyes snap to his and he tries to control himself a bit better. "What's so funny?" she grits out. "She was totally calling me stupid. She was talking down to me like I was a kid. And did you see their faces? Oh, poor little Ellie! Stuck living in that little shack with a crazy man. Bless her suffering little heart." She says the last part in a rather excellent impression of Louvenia's voice and Joel can't help laughing. "Bitches," Ellie mutters.

"Crazy man?" he asks, voice colored with mock-offence. Ellie waves a hand dismissively.

"As if they don't call you that behind your back. And I don't like how they look at you, either. Like there's something wrong with you." Joel sobers up at that, entirely impressed –not for the first time- by her perceptiveness. She looks up at him. "They really don't like you," she informs him, eyes clouded with confusion. "They pretend that they do, probably 'cause you're Tommy's brother or whatever, but they really don't." He smirks slightly, the expression bitter, as he remembers Louvenia's visit.

"That's the goddamn understatement of the year," he replies quietly.

"Why?" He considers evading the question, or simply ignoring it entirely. Her eyes are wide, though, and pleading. He's found himself unable to lie to her after… well.  _After_. So, he heaves a sigh and bites the bullet.

"I reckon they think I'm dangerous," he admits quietly. "They don't want me 'round town." Ellie jerks to a stop, quickly enough that he feels a twinge in his shoulder as it's pulled back.

"What the hell? That's so fucking stupid!" she exclaims, features twisted with confusion and anger. "That… it doesn't even make any  _sense_. I mean, yeah, you've done some serious shit, but… you don't hurt people if they don't give you a good reason," she says, voice sure. "They're just fucking stupid. Don't even listen to them," she advises.

His expression softens, and he nods. "Wasn't plannin' on it," he assures her.

They start walking again, the silence between them comfortable. "Is that… is that what she told you? That you were dangerous?" Ellie asks him softly. He tenses.

"Yeah," he mutters, voice dark. "Yeah, it was."  _Among other things_ , he adds silently, but he deems it best that he leaves it at that.

"Bitches," Ellie spits out once more. Joel finds that he heartily agrees with her sentiment. She doesn't press further, and they carry on in silence. He watches her fidget, looking over at him occasionally with curiosity burning in her expression.

He sighs. "Go on, then. Ask me."

"What else did she say? 'Cause there has to be more; you wouldn't be like this if she'd just said you were dangerous." She squeezes his hand, her eyes wide and concerned.

"I only met her once; like I said, you were with Maria looking for clothes, and Tommy and I were at his place on the porch," he begins. "She comes up, says she wanted to introduce herself to her new neighbour. She was civil, asked about how we got here, small-talk stuff. Then she asks about you, and watches me like a damn hawk. How did we meet, how long we been travellin' together, that kinda stuff. 'Course, I made most of the earlier stuff up. Wasn't sure if she bought it, didn't really care. She chatted a little more, then left."

Ellie frowns. "But all the stuff she said-"

"She said to Tommy," he finishes for her. Ellie's eyes widen in disbelief, and he snorts. "Yeah, he wasn't too happy, either. Apparently, she cornered him a while after and mentioned her  _concerns_  about me. About how I'd been so aggressive and angry for the first little while, how I'd nearly attacked the gate guards the first day. Asked him if he thought it was  _safe_  to have me living here." He breaks off with a snort. "Then she, uh… she started talkin' 'bout you," he admits.

" _Me?_  What about me?" she asks. Joel grimaces, wishing he'd just let her wonder. " _Joel_ ," she says, her expression deadly serious.

"She was worried 'bout you. 'Bout  _us_. Wondered what business a grown man has with a little girl who ain't his blood. Said she wasn't the only one wonderin'. Tommy tried to explain, but she wasn't buyin' it. Suggested he put you up with a family, even offered her place. He told her Maria had offered already and you made it  _very_  clear that you weren't goin' anywhere." He smiles a bit, watching as Ellie reddens at the reminder of her less than graceful refusal of Maria's offer.

"I'm gonna bet she didn't react all that well," Ellie mutters.

Joel's expression sobers again as he continues. "She might've implied he was lookin' the other way 'cause I'm his brother, that he was sacrificin' your safety out of some twisted sense of family duty."

" _Fuck that_ ," Ellie explodes. Joel's grateful that they haven't quite reached town yet; the last thing they need is the attention that outburst would bring. "Who the fuck does she think she is? You would  _never_ …" Her face has gone pale, and she stops abruptly. "I swear to god, I'm going back there and kicking her ass."

"No, you ain't," he warns, pulling her forward. "It'd just make people talk. She ain't worth it, Ellie."

"Yeah, but  _you_ are," she counters. She seems surprised at her own outburst, but she swallows hard and continues. "It's one thing to think you're a trigger-happy asshole, but I won't let that bitch think you're some creep who's hurting me. I  _won't_ , okay?"

He starts to argue, but her expression is strangely haunted and he decides to back off. "Alright," he agrees. "But you don't gotta do nothin'; Tommy gave her a piece of his mind, sent her off with her tail between her legs. She ain't gonna pull anythin', Ellie. 'S alright."

She huffs angrily but doesn't try to turn back again. He throws an arm over her shoulders, squeezing her gently. "For the record, I  _do_ appreciate you havin' my back, kid."

She shrugs, ducking her head so that her bangs fall over her eyes. "It's not a big deal," she mutters, sounding embarrassed for some reason he can't place. "We look out for each other, yeah? It's what we do."

"'Course we do." He sees her smile a little beneath the red curtain of her hair. He ruffles it playfully, laughing as she yelps curses and swats his hand away. But she's laughing and her eyes are bright again, so he figures she didn't mind all that much. "Let's go home," he says, and the word doesn't feel as strange on his tongue as it once did.

They haven't gotten very far when he sees movement out of the corner of his eye; instinct immediately sets him on the defensive, even though it's broad daylight. Two boys –or young men, he supposes, but anyone under thirty registers as a child to him at this point- saunter up the path he's heading down, identical blond heads ducked in conversation.

The boys look up as they approach, and Joel makes sure to position himself between them and Ellie.  _Force of habit_ , he tells himself.  _Nothin' more than that._ _Ellie doesn't question his maneuvering, just moves with him and looks to him expectantly. He shakes his head minutely, pulls her forward by the hand._

Both boys smile politely; it's like seeing double. "Good morning," one of them says, while the other nods civilly.

"Mornin'", Joel mutters in reply. He sees their eyes flick to Ellie and he immediately dislikes their curious expressions. He straightens himself up, clears his throat.  _Keep movin', assholes. Eyes off the pretty little girl before I take 'em out of your heads,_  he thinks, the force of his own aggression surprising him a little.

Their gazes shift, almost simultaneously, to him. There's a significant lack of fear in their eyes that borders on arrogance, and he's willing to bet they haven't seen much fighting outside of these walls. If they had, they'd at least be wary of a stranger nearly twice their size. They're lanky, soft in a way he's seen a lot since arriving in Jackson; they have no scars, no alertness, and a complete lack of concern for their surroundings. He has no idea how so many people could make it through the apocalypse without toughening up, but maybe town life does that to some people.

They're not a physical threat, not really, but they're still strangers and  _boys_  at that; he doesn't want them anywhere near Ellie. She's silent and edgy beside him, and he's willing to bet she shares his line of thinking. A long moment passes where he stares them both down, about ready to either pass by or knock a healthy dose of fear into them if they try anything stupid. Then, a voice shatters the stillness.

"Zachariah, Joshua! Hurry, boys." And Joel's never been so happy to hear Louvenia's voice. She sounds close, and he turns back to see her a little ways down the path, basket back in her hands. He can't tell if she's watching them, but he'd wager that she is. Ellie straightens up beside him, presses herself purposefully closer to him. He coughs out a laugh, especially at the shocked expressions on the boys' faces.

"Excuse us," says one of them, turning to wave at the woman.

"We can't keep Mama waiting," says the other, almost apologetically.  _Mama?_ Joel looks between them and the woman down the path, confused. She's not young, exactly, but he wouldn't expect her to have two full-grown sons, either. "She gets pretty worked up. Let's go, Zach." They hurry down the path, likely doing their best to avoid Louvenia's wrath. He doesn't blame them, and he isn't sad to see them go, either.

"Great, the bitch has kids. Super creepy kids, too, as if having half her genes wasn't enough," Ellie mutters as soon as they've moved out of earshot. "Did you know that?" she asks, looking up at him.

He frowns, shaking his head slowly. "Can't say I did," he replies, keeping his voice level. "Didn't mention 'em."

"I can practically see the smoke coming out of your ears. What're you thinking so hard about?"

He levels her with a sober stare. "I told you she offered to have you stay at her place, yeah?" Ellie nods, pausing as realization flashes across her face. "I was under the impression she lived alone. Accordin' to Tommy, her husband died before she came to Jackson. She made a whole speech to about how lonely it got in her house," he explains, voice troubled. They both take a few moments to let the implications of that sink in. "Remind me to smack my brother upside the head for not tellin' me 'bout those little creeps."

Ellie makes a sound of agreement. "Maybe she was telling the truth," she ventures. "They both look old enough to live on their own. It would make sense; if her house is empty, I get why she'd want a kid to liven it up a little." He raises a brow at her and she backtracks quickly. "Not  _me_ , idiot. If she wants a kid, great. There's enough guys around here to make one with her; she's not too old. I wouldn't move in with her if you paid me."

He barks out a laugh at her mortified expression. "Relax, girl. I ain't lettin' the crazy lady or her freaky kids take you from me." He'd like to see them try; he wonders if they'd be a little more respectful if they knew the extent of what he could do when Ellie was threatened.

"I fucking hope not," she grumbles. They finally reach town, doing their best to keep away from the larger crowds of people as they make their way home. "Hey, Joel?" Ellie nudges him with her elbow.

"Yeah?" He squeezes her shoulder so she knows he's listening; he prefers not to get distracted when there's so many people around.  _Too careful gets you laughed at, but not careful enough gets you dead._

"Forget what I said about getting up early. I think avoiding the neighbors is a pretty good idea," she says.

"I reckon so."


	3. iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally titled 'Into the Woods'. Ellie goes for a walk in the woods and encounters her rather... eccentric neighbor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Edited. Expanded. You catch my drift by now. The change in POV, I thought, was useful in showing how Joel and Ellie are perceived by people who have lived in the town for some time. Also, Babs is wonderfully amusing to write. Her and her friend at the end of this chapter are indeed mine, though nothing else is. Fun Fact: All the plants Babs mentions for various ailments and fortunes are, according to my research, accurate. But I am neither a doctor nor a botanist, so I suggest you take everything I say here with a grain of salt. Unless you actually live in a post-apocalyptic world, I would suggest sticking to your prescriptions.

The old woman sits out on her porch, watching the residents of Jackson go about their business in the distance.

This town is not a friendly place for strangers. She would know; she's watched Maria and her father build it from the ground up, with the help of that Texan boy.  _The younger Texan boy_ , she amends. There's another one around, now. The town's suspicion of strangers most definitely extends towards him.

He didn't help his case by refusing to let the girl be checked at the gate. She remembers venturing into town that day to stock up on supplies, rather than her usual habit of keeping to her little shack on the far edges of Jackson. She remembers gawking with the rest of the crowd at the stranger baring his teeth like a wild animal when they tried to take his girl away.

Blood would have been spilled if Maria hadn't intervened, she's sure. Her money would be on the newcomers. Since then, the good ole' gossip mill has been churning near constantly, much of it about the wary newcomer and his short fuse. Generally, she wouldn't find fault in that. When a trigger-happy homicidal smuggler moves into town with a teenage girl in tow, eyebrows are gonna be raised.

But Babs is older than dirt and likes to think she's a pretty solid judge of character. And there's no evil in that man. She has no doubt that he's done bad things –twenty years after the world went to hell, who  _hasn't_ \- but she isn't concerned for the girl's safety at all. If anything, she's more worried about  _him_. Seems like he'd follow that girl into the gaping jaws of hell, would and probably has killed for her. There's danger in loving someone that much. But she digresses. She's not overly concerned about either the man or the girl when it comes to each other. It's everyone else she's worried about.

This town is no place for the unknown. Not knowing things makes people antsy, and antsy people can easily and quickly turn into scared people. Fear spreads like wildfire these days, and burns just as hot.  _It ain't the Infected people should be scared of_ , she thinks.  _It's each other._  Human beings can do a lot more damage than a couple of Clickers, she's found. The pair in question seems to have taken that piece of wisdom to heart. They live at the very edge of the settlement, near her own modest dwelling, which is the main reason she became interested in them in the first place.

She's heard about the newcomers, of course. She'd known nearly the second they came 'round the first time and she knew even quicker when they came 'round the second time. She wasn't particularly interested, even after the incident at the gate, until she heard the man making a holy ruckus with that guitar of his. He ain't half bad, though, so she doesn't mind too much. He plays nearly every night, unless it's raining. And along with the sound of the guitar, there is generally singing, nearly always on his part and increasingly on hers. On those nights, Babs often lingers by her door for longer than usual and listens. They sound good together, she has to admit.

But, she muses, putting her thoughts back on track and taking another swig of the bottle in her hand, she's the only one who sees –or rather, hears- them like that. For the most part they're hermits, which she thinks is a fabulous idea. The rest of the town? Not so much. She's heard things; terrible, mean-spirited things that would probably break the poor man's heart if he knew. Tommy seems to have done his best to keep his brother in the dark regarding those nasty rumors, but she can only assume it won't be long until someone opens their trap a little too wide.

"The people in this town should put their energy into something more productive than gossip," she mutters to the bottle, taking another drink.

She pauses when she hears a crash, and a blue streak of curses that even she would have trouble emulating. Curious, she rises from her battered rocker, knees creaking, and makes her way towards the sound.

"Hello?" she calls out, swirling the contents of the bottle. The noises stop completely. "Hello?" she calls again, annoyed. "Would you mind getting your ass out where I can see it? This is private property, ya know." She really shouldn't drink so early in the morning. It makes her cranky.

"Um, hi," comes a sheepish voice from behind the shrubbery. A teenage girl limps out of it, trying to pry an interesting array of burs and nettles off of her person. "I'm really sorry. I thought this place was abandoned. I had no idea anyone lived here." The voice is familiar.

Babs doesn't have her glasses on her, and the booze isn't helping, so she squints, muttering curses under her breath. "What's your name, girlie?" she demands.

"Ellie. Um. Ma'am. My name is Ellie." Babs just about chokes on her next swig.  _Well._  That would explain some things.

"Ah. New girl." She thinks she sees the girl tense up, but she ignores it. "What're ya doin' all the way over in my neck of the woods?" And where, she wonders, is the trigger-happy Texan? He sticks to her like a fly on honey. The girl –Ellie, she corrects herself, her name is Ellie- makes a motion that Babs thinks might be shrugging.

"I was just going for a walk," she says, a tad defensively.

"In my shrubbery?" Babs snorts.

"It's not your shrubbery. It's part of the forest," Ellie argues. Well, the girl's not  _wrong_. Technically, Babs is within the boundaries of Jackson –and more importantly, its  _fence_ \- but years of disuse caused much of the plant life from the neighbouring woods to crawl out, forming what she likes to think of as her yard. She's easy to overlook way up here, and she prefers it that way. She rarely receives unexpected visitors.  _Rarely_ being the operative term, apparently.

"The whole damn forest is my shrubbery, you little smartass. Now get in here before something eats you and I'm staring down the wrong end of an angry smuggler's gun."

The girl pauses warily. "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers," she mutters, eyeing the older woman carefully.

"Smart girl. People call me Babs. There, now I ain't no stranger no more." Ellie still seems uncertain, and Babs rolls her cloudy eyes heavenwards. "Lord grant me patience. Girlie, I heard you're every bit as dangerous as your man. You think an old woman's gonna be able to do you harm?"

Ellie scoffs. "Hardly. But so far, people in Jackson haven't exactly rolled out the welcome wagon, so..." The girl crosses her arms around herself, shrugging.

"Lucky for you I ain't  _people_  then, ain't it?" Babs grouses. She softens a bit, reminding herself that the girl has every right to be suspicious. Lord only knows what she's been through, and her life since walking through those gates hasn't been as easy as it should be. "Do an old woman a kindness and come inside, would ya? I don't get many visitors; just your man's little brother and his wife, mostly."

Ellie relaxes a little at that. "You know Tommy and Maria well?" she asks.

Babs hums. "I came here with the first wave of settlers. Those two used to come to me all the time, back when they were building this place up. Someone to get drunk and bitch about whining residents with." She smiles a little at the memories, then shakes herself out of it and shrugs. "Come in or don't, no skin off my nose. Gettin' too cold out for my bones." She turns and limps into her house. Ellie makes some noise of dissent, but follows her into the house anyways.

"Joel wouldn't shoot you," Ellie mutters once they're inside. It takes Babs a moment to remember what the girl's talking about. "Everyone here seems to think he kills people for the hell of it but-"

Babs waves a hand dismissively, shushing her. "I was just blabbing, girlie. Happens a lot when you get to be an old woman. I don't got no ill will towards your Joel. He keeps to himself. An old hermit like me can respect that. Besides, I've lived long enough to know people can't always see the difference between what a man does to survive and what he does because he's got the urge in 'im. I wouldn't worry about it too much if I was you." She drains the last of her bottle and grabs another, along with two cloudy glasses. "Drink?" she offers, already pouring.

"I don't-" The girl cuts herself off, wrinkling her nose at the glass in front of her. "Um… Ma'am?" Ellie begins, as Babs starts pouring onto the table instead.

She mutters under her breath. "Fucking eyes… go grab my glasses, girlie. On the stool beside you." Ellie obeys, and Babs snatches them out of her hands, all but shoving them onto her face and continuing on. "Yes. Good. Don't want to go wasting good moonshine on a table. Granted, I do use it is table polish, too…" she says, just as Ellie cautiously takes a sip. The girl starts to make some godawful dying noises.

"What the fuck?! What is this?" she croaks.

Babs rolls her eyes.  _Teenagers_ , she thinks despairingly. "Keep drinkin'. The burn gets a bit more bearable around the fourth glass." Ellie looks at her like she's insane, but nurses the drink slowly. "I got some gingerroot for tea if you're stomach starts hurtin'," she assures the girl.

Ellie shoots her a strange look. "The hell would  _that_ do?"

"In case you ain't noticed girlie, we ain't exactly surrounded by cough drops and cold medicine anymore. I learned some natural remedies from my granny was I was younger. Basic stuff; a hobby, nothing more. But you'd be surprised how often they come in handy; gingerroot for stomach aches, St. John's Wort for worrying and insomnia, Stoneseed root and thistles to prevent pregnancy." Ellie coughs hard at the last one, eyes wide. Babs chuckles. "You ever need anythin', you come to me and my garden. Maria's got a whole book of remedies somewhere, and a lot of these grow out in the fields with the fruits and vegetables, but if ya ever need to get somethin' without the family knowin'…" She shrugs.

"I… I think I'm good. Thanks." Face flushed with either drink of embarrassment, Ellie takes a larger sip of the moonshine.

"Now, where were we?" Babs asks, stifling a grin.  _Still so young_ , she thinks, not unkindly.

By the flush high on her cheeks, Ellie is clearly eager to shift the subject. "You don't think Joel is a maniacal murderer," she deadpans.

Babs snorts. "Quite. And don't you worry 'bout those women down by the lake. They ain't got nothing better to do than judge like the Lord's 'bout to come knocking. Harmless, really, 'less you let 'em get in your head."

Ellie's head snaps up. "How did you-"

"I gotta keep clean too, don't I? I was just mindin' my own business and then you and that man o' yours started splashing around like a pair o' mallard ducks. I swear he's got the patience of a saint with you. How anyone can think poorly of him when it comes to you, I do not know. I would've drowned you by now," she chortles.

Ellie huffs, offended.

"Anyways. Don't worry 'bout those busy bodies. Now, Louvenia…" Babs breaks off to laugh as Ellie makes a face. "Mhm. My thoughts exactly, darlin'. Now, I've known that girl since she was born. We lived in the same little town, ended up in the same Quarantine Zones, ended up  _here_ together durin' the first wave _._ Probably wouldn't remember me if she saw me now, but that ain't the point. She didn't start out like that. It was only after the Infected started coming outta the woodwork. Then she went kinda stir-crazy."

"You mean she wasn't always a nosy bitch from hell?" Ellie asks, clearly not convinced.

"She was always nosy, I suppose, but she went and got real obsessed with the whole idea of salvation. Probably sleeps with her Bible like some kids do with their toys." Ellie chuckles at that. Babs gesticulates wildly with her glass, sloshing moonshine onto the table, saying, "This ain't no laughing matter, Miss Girlie. When people like that don't understand things, they get scared. Then they get angry. And then it's a whole goddamn witch hunt. The last thing you want is her setting her sights on your Joel. Things could get ugly for 'im."

Ellie sobers at that. "D'you think Tommy would listen to her?" she asks, her voice soft as she stares into the depths of her glass.

Babs snorts. "Hell naw. Tommy's a good boy. Very level-headed, that one. Unlike some relatives of his I could name." Ellie bites back a fond grin that's almost too sweet for Babs' tastes. "He knows Louvenia and her ways, too, so don't you worry none."

Ellie furrows her brow in confusion. "Then why-"

"Why's Louvenia dangerous?" she cuts the girl off again.

Ellie rolls her eyes heavenward and sighs. "Yeah. If she's not gonna get us kicked out, what else could she possibly do?"

Babs drains her glass, pours herself another. She snorts at Ellie's, still mostly full.  _Lightweight._ "A good ten years after the infection hit, there was another little town; one of the Zones I mentioned. It was one of the good ones; the soldiers were kinder than most, gave us the food and supplies we were due. It was a good life, for what it was. Probably why so many of us made it, why an old bag o' bones like me's still kickin' this late in the game. Louvenia was already married by then, mind you, and all three o' her kids were born-"

"Three?" Ellie interrupts. "Doesn't she only have those creepy twins?" Babs allows herself a small smile before shaking her head.

"She's got a girl, too. Pretty little thing, name of Imogene. Around your age. Maybe older, maybe younger. I can never tell. Doesn't get out much though, still lives at home with her Ma." Her eyes get a sad, faraway look for a moment, before she continues. "There was a man in town, more of a boy, really. Not very old, not even twenty. He didn't remember any other life. So, as many of us tend to do in these times, he rejected the idea of a higher power. Didn't push it on anyone, just didn't attend what Sunday services could be scrapped together, things like that." She tugs on the tiny crucifix that dangles from her necklace. "It's damn hard, keeping faith in this world. I do, but with those things out there…" She shudders. "Can't really hold a grudge against the people who don't, y'know?"

Ellie nods, and there's a strange sadness in her eyes that Babs can't quit understand.

Babs shakes herself to get her head back on straight, and continues. "Now, Louvenia took this as an affront to everything she believed in. Started telling tales about him, told everyone the Lord would punish them for keeping him there. That winter was a hard one, and people started to believe her. At least, enough people did. Poor bastard turned up dead in the snow a week later. Shot in the head." Ellie doesn't make a sound, but Babs sees the fear in her eyes.

"She wouldn't… Tommy wouldn't let it get to that. Besides, Joel can take care of himself," Ellie says, but it sounds like she's trying to convince herself more than anyone else. "I won't let anyone hurt him." She's fierce now, her grip on the glass tightening to the point that Babs worries it will shatter and shred her palm. "No one's taking him from me."

For a moment, Babs worries she's gone too far; there's an old fear in the girl's eyes that cuts deep. Then she breathes in deep, takes a long drink and shudders, seeming to shake whatever it was off of her soul.

Babs pats her arm reassuringly. "I know you won't, darlin'. He's a lucky man to have you in his corner. I'm just sayin', be careful; warn that man o' yours. Louvenia sees herself as the Lord's goddamn gardener and she ain't very kind to the weeds." There's a moment of silence. "Want some more?" she offers, waving the bottle around as Ellie drains the last of her glass. She nods, and Babs fills the glass.  _If anyone needs a good, long drink, it's this kid._

Ellie takes a much longer pull from the glass, and the older woman considers telling her to slow down. She doesn't want to think about what Joel would do if she made an alcoholic of his girl.

"Don't you worry 'bout Infected all the way out here?" The words slur slightly and Babs struggles not to laugh. This girl  _cannot_  hold her booze. Then she remembers  _why_  the girl is drinking, and the smile falls a little ways off her face.

"Naw. The fence is right solid behind me. 'Sides, no food for them out here except lil' old me, and I'm all gristle. But if any do decide to wander over here, I've got this." She pulls out a shotgun from underneath the table.

Ellie makes a surprised sound. "You know how to use that?"

Babs rolls her eyes. "Girlie, I've been shooting Infected since before you were a twinkle in your daddy's eye." She aims the shotgun at an empty bottle against the wall. She shoots, and it shatters.

Ellie jumps, hands clapping over her ears. "Are you fucking crazy?" she demands. "What if someone heard that?"

Babs snorts. "Ain't the first time they'd have heard shots from up here, sure as hell won't be the last." The older woman's voice turns slightly wistful as she pats the barrel. "It was my husband's." Ellie's face turns sympathetic. Or at least, it tries to. Apparently the alcohol has slowed her reflexes somewhat. The end result is still touching, if a little comical.

"Did the Infected get 'im?" she asks. There's a recognition in her eyes that unsettles Babs, even after so many years of seeing that same look. It ain't fair this girl's lost people, especially in that way. Again, she feels guilty for plying the girl with 'shine. She wouldn't blame the kid for getting a taste for the way it burns out memories, at least for a little while.

Babs shakes her head. "Cancer. He died a long time before any of this started. I'm always grateful for that." She drains her glass again. "Now, let's talk about happier things, shall we?"

They end up talking –and drinking- for quite some time. Babs finds she actually enjoys the company, even if Ellie won't be winning any drinking contests anytime soon. The girl doesn't say much about how she met Joel or her life before Jackson, careful with her words even as they slur, and Babs has the good sense not to ask. If Ellie is freer about anything, it's sharing stories about her man.

"He pretends he hates my jokes, but he  _doesn't,_ " Ellie assures her. "He thinks I'm fuckin'  _hilarious_. Way funnier than  _Esther_." She grins triumphantly, and Babs hides a smile behind her glass.

"I dunno, girlie. Esther Greene's got one hell of a sense of humor," she teases. She's gotten fond of the Greene girl over time; she's glad the younger woman seems to be looking out for the newcomers, and thinks Esther is wiser still for taking Tommy's matchmaking with a grain of salt. Whatever rumors she heard in town are given  _much_  more detail by the tipsy redhead across her table.

Ellie gapes at the older woman, expression incredibly wounded. "What? No.  _No._ No way, mine is better," she protests. " _Joel_  thinks so. Right?" And her expression falls, worry suddenly flashing across her features so acutely that the old woman soundly curses herself and the drink for it.

"'Course he does, girlie. 'Course he thinks yours is better." She pats the girl reassuringly on the hand, her aim just slightly off.

"I like makin' him laugh. Seein' him  _smile_. It's nice," Ellie mumbles, tracing shapes into the old wood of the table. " _He's_ nice. Not all the time, but 's not his fault… tries really hard to be nice. I don't mind. Even when he's not, he  _is_ , y'know?" She looks up at the older woman expectantly.

"Yeah, girlie. I know." She sets the half-full bottle on the ground, deciding the girl's had enough for one night. "Where's he at, anyhow? Figured he wouldn't let you out of his sight if he had a gun to his head."

Ellie flinches at the imagery, clutching her glass tighter. She shrugs. "Tommy dragged him off, said they'd be back in a coupla hours. Important town stuff, I guess. Didn't wanna hang with Maria, so I went walkin'. Met you. Was a good idea." The girl smiles crookedly, and Babs cannot for the world understand why people would look at this child and not want to know her, protect her.

But maybe it's just her old age talking; empty nest, and all that. If her children had lived long enough to have children they would've been around Ellie's age, she realises with a dull ache. Another gulp of 'shine, because twenty years isn't long enough for anyone to mourn their babies.

"Yeah, well. Wouldn't be too horrible if you came wanderin' back over here when you felt the itch," Babs mutters. Ellie beams, and if Babs still prayed she'd send one up for the poor smuggler's soul; this girl might very well kill him, with a sweet face like that.

The light outside fades gradually as they chat, not noticeable enough to distract them. They don't realize how late it is until someone starts raising a holy ruckus outside.

"Ellie! Dammit girl, where the fuck are you?!" Babs snorts into her glass as Joel's voice rings out. She almost wishes he'd taken his time with whatever his little brother wanted, but the man sounds worried and she figures it's only fair that she gives Ellie back.

"Looks like you're wanted, girlie," she mutters.

Ellie perks up at the sound of his voice. "It's Joel," she stage whispers, biting back a grin. She tries to stand up, but stumbles back into her seat with a completely shocked expression. "I don't think I can walk," she says, but it's garbled enough that Bab's may have totally heard her wrong.

The older woman chuckles and goes to open the door. "In here, you bumblin' idiot," she calls out. "Stop hollerin', 'less you wanna wake the dead. Scare an old woman half to death, howlin' for the girl like a damned animal."

Joel bristles, turning abruptly to face her. Babs has the  _great_  pleasure of seeing his stormy expression dissolve into confusion as he looks at her. "Where is she?" he demands. His eyes keep darting around the area like he's expecting her to have stashed the girl somewhere. He's antsy and clearly uncomfortable, and she wonders if he's always like this without Ellie beside him. Babs nods at the inside of her home, motions for him to follow.

"Lady, if that girl's come to any harm I swear to  _god_ -" he begins, eyes flashing. His hand is resting on his holster, though she reckons it's more a habit than a threat. She's faced far worse things in her lifetime than this frightened, overprotective man, but she can clearly see why the town is so wary of him. He doesn't seem the type to radiate friendliness at the best of times, let alone twenty years into the end of the world.

"Easy there, Trigger," she mutters, her gaze resting on his shooting hand  _just in case_. "She's fine, 'less she fell over and cracked her head open durin' the ten seconds it took me to open the door."

He hardly seems reassured. If anything, he seems even more concerned, craning his neck to see around her and inside the house. "The hell's she doin'  _here?"_  he mutters.

"Wandered over a few hours ago, explorin'. Kept a lonely old woman company while she waited for you to finish up with your brother." She didn't mean it as a scolding, but he flinches at her words regardless.

"I  _told_  Tommy to ask someone else, but that boy is stubborn as hell when he wants to be." A flash of guilt crosses his face but disappears just as quick. He huffs, clearly annoyed he felt the need to explain himself to a stranger. He shakes his head and climbs up her porch with heavy steps. He squints at her as he passes. She looks dispassionately back at him. "Wait a minute… Tommy told me 'bout you. We heard a shot, he waved it off. Said some crazy old hermit lived up this way, shootin' at rats and mixin' potions," he says suspiciously.

Babs coughs out a laugh. "Among other things, yeah," she agrees.

He seems alarmed by her answer. "What, you some kind of witch?" he asks, and he sounds like he's joking only slightly. It's certainly not the first time someone's come to that conclusion, and she's probably not helping matters with her bloodshot eyes and unkempt hair.  _Ain't my fault I wasn't expecting company. Didn't ask to have my home invaded,_ she thinks, though it's with more amusement than annoyance.

"Sure. Come get your girl. I was about to bake her into a pie," she snarks, moving back into the house as he heads in. She sees the hard set of his shoulder relax as he catches sight of Ellie, and his hands finally drops from his holster to hang harmlessly at his side. Well, not  _entirely_  harmless, she's sure. He could probably snap bones easy as breathing with the right incentive, but he seems docile enough now, so she doesn't feel the need to grab her shotgun.

"Joel!" Ellie crows happily when he walks in, ducking through the low door. Her house wasn't made to accommodate men the size of Joel Miller, and Babs is incredibly amused when he has to duck and shuffle around to avoid bringing the whole place crashing around his ears. He smiles back at Ellie, his eyes soft and warm. The girl flings herself at him, stumbling halfway. "My legs don't work," she informs him solemnly when he catches her. She doesn't seem particularly bothered by this development, resting her head on his shoulder and leaning her body into him.

Joel adjusts her in his arms, expression concerned as he quickly runs a hand down her legs, checking for damage. He frowns, sniffing at her. Babs realizes a moment too late that the half-empty bottle is in his line of vision.

"Is that-" He turns and fixes Babs with one hell of a stink-eye. "You got her  _drunk_?"

Babs shrugs. "Some potions are stronger than others," she admits, trying and failing to stop the grin that jumps to her lips. By the look on his face, he doesn't appreciate her humor in the slightest. "She's  _fine_ , boy. She's just feelin' it 'cause she ain't used to it. Funny as all hell, when she's tipsy."

He rolls his eyes skywards, shutting them for a moment while he takes a deep breathe. "Fine," he spits out. "Ellie, we are  _definitely_  discussin' this when you're sober. I turn around for five minutes and you're runnin' off into the woods to get drunk with a witch. _Jesus_ , girl." He's answered by a snore. They both look to see that Ellie has fallen asleep. Joel's expression softens and he sighs good-naturedly, scooping her up into his arms in a surprisingly practiced movement.

Ellie wakes up slightly, lifting her head from Joel's shoulder. "Where're we goin'?" she mumbles, tugging on his collar to get his attention. She blinks as she sees she's off the ground, but doesn't question it, patting his arm instead.

"Home," Joel tells her, mouth twitching as he struggles to rein in his amusement. Babs can't blame him; the girl is all big eyes and frazzled red hair and completely impossible to keep scolding.

Ellie pouts and lets her head thud back against his shoulder. "But I was havin'  _fun_ ," she says, drawing out the last word on a whine.

Joel snorts. "I'm sure," he mutters, sending another disapproving look at Babs, who masks the laugh that escapes her with a cough. "C'mon, we're burnin' daylight," he mutters.

"Can I come and visit you again, Babs?" Ellie asks, face suddenly hopeful. Joel's eyes go wide as he starts to protest, but then Ellie looks up at him with the same expression and he cuts himself off abruptly. "Please?" she mutters, and he ducks his head with a sigh.

"If she's alright with it. Don't wanna get hexed into a frog if I say no," he jokes. Ellie dissolves into hiccupping giggles in his arms, and Babs doesn't miss the triumphant little half-smile on his face as he watches her laugh. Ellie turns her eyes hopefully to the older woman, her smile suddenly shy.

Babs wonders how the child could possibly think she'd refuse her. "'Course ya can, darlin'. Anytime you want. Now go on and get some rest. You'll be feelin' it in the mornin'," she chuckles.

She's rewarded with Ellie's answering grin, right before the girl closes her eyes and settles back into Joel's arms and nods at him to go. He heads to the door, seemingly unbothered at chauffeuring the girl around.

A spike of sudden worry that she hasn't felt in ages hits Babs hard, and she feels obliged to warn, "Be careful. It ain't all that safe out there." It's stupid and irrational, to fear for these two very capable people, and yet she does. She's fond of their family and yeah, maybe these two are growing on her, too. Jackson would be a darker place if anything happened to them, she's sure.

"Joel's got it covered," Ellie yawns, patting his chest assuredly. The faith in her voice is enough to calm Babs' worries, at least a little. Joel's hand twitches towards the revolver holstered at his side, his expression darkening as he surveys the area cautiously.

"Easy there, Trigger," Babs says, deciding she's quite fond of this nickname. "I didn't mean out  _here_. Just be careful in town, ya here?" Joel nods, and he's got a look about him that assures her that he knows exactly what she's saying. She wishes it didn't have to be that way.

"What's so scary in the town?" Ellie murmurs.

Babs rolls her eyes.  _The memory-wiping wonders of a good bottle of 'shine._ "Just remember what we talked about. There are scarier things out there than wild animals, darlin'." Ellie's already drifting off, but makes an affirmative noise anyways.

Joel nods at the older woman, and she knows that he, at least, has taken her advice to heart. "We can hold our own," he says, looking half-ready to do battle already.

"I don't doubt it." The girl is snoring again, and as the tension eases Babs grimaces at the thought of what tomorrow morning will be like. That, at least, she  _can_  fix. "Wait a second," she tells him.

She rummages around at the back of the room before producing a package of herbs from somewhere amongst the clutter. She hasn't needed  _this_ particular mix since she was a good bit younger, but she thought to keep it around in case anyone lacking her tolerance showed up for a drink.

"Here." She hands the package to him. "Mix this with water and get her to drink it. It'll help with the hangover from hell she'll be havin'." Joel sniffs at it suspiciously. She  _understands_ why he'd be cautious accepting things from a stranger, but she'd like to think she's proven herself to not be a threat. "Oh, for Christ's sake. I'd have poisoned her already if I was gonna do it. Go on, now. Get outta my house. I've had enough of you two today." She shoos him out, pausing at the doorway. "Hey, Trigger."

She can practically hear his eyes roll at the nickname. Yeah, she's definitely sticking with it. Maybe let his little brother in on the joke; see if they can drive the poor bastard up the wall with it. Joel stops and turns around. "What?" he asks, exasperated.

She nods at him and the girl in his arms. "You two take care of each other, ya here?" she mutters.

His face softens, and he nods. She expects him to leave then, but he doesn't. "Listen," he begins, clearing his throat slightly. "I reckon I should thank you for keepin' her company. It ain't been easy, and Ellie… this was good for her. I appreciate it." It's not the most eloquent thank-you she's ever received, but he's trying.  _We'll make a civilized creature out of you yet, boy._

"Any time, Trigger." She flaps a hand at him, dismissing them both. "Now get the fuck off my porch," she grunts, sitting down on her steps.

"Crazy old bat," she hears him mutter on his way out, but it's more mystified than anything else, so she doesn't throw a bottle at his head. She's sure she'll have plenty of chances for  _that_  later, considering he's not likely to let Ellie come back unsupervised. She wonders how much 'shine it would take to get him to lighten up.  _More than I'll make in my lifetime_ , she thinks with a snort.

"Hey, Joel?" Ellie murmurs sleepily, the sound just barely carrying back to Babs. He hums in response. "D'you think I'm funny?" she asks. "D'you like it when I tell jokes?" Her voice is heartbreakingly serious, and Babs finds herself worrying as the ensuing silence stretches longer and longer.  _Don't ignore her, Trigger. Give the poor kid an answer_ , she despairs.

"'Course I do," he assures her, bouncing her a little in his arms. "Funniest girl I know, hands down." His tone is light, but there's a gruffness underlying it that makes Babs wonder what he's thinking.

"'Kay," the girl murmurs, and either nothing else is said or they move out of hearing range, because Babs doesn't heard another word from either of them.

Silence reigns over her little patch of forest after they've gone. She feels the brief odd stirrings of loneliness in her chest and dismisses them quickly.  _Empty nest, is all. You're gettin' broody in your old age, Barbara_ , she thinks with chagrin.

She hears her new visitor before she sees them; she's lived here too long not to notice when a twig snaps or the grass is crushed just so. She knows this one's gait well. He's put up with her for too long to be bothered by her snapping, so she stays silent.

"Making new friends, I see," he says, breaking her brief reprieve. She hums evasively and motions for him to come sit.

"They're good people," she says by way of explanation. And if she sounds a tad defensive, it's only because she has a reputation to uphold. The man who sits down beside her is about her age, though he's dressed a sight more respectably than her in her old housecoat. But they're not  _so_  old, are they? Older than most survivors, true; older than Ellie by miles and older than her shadow, just starting to gray even though he thinks himself an old man, but they're nowhere near what people used to live to.

She doesn't kid herself; she wouldn't be alive without this town. Her vision isn't what it used to be, and her hands shake more often than not when she pours her drinks or aims her gun. But she's not so old as to be useless yet, and she clings to that.

"Moonshine?" she offers, shaking off her grim reminiscing as she pulls a bottle out from the stash beneath the porch.

"Please," he says gratefully, setting down beside her and taking a long swig straight from the bottle. His coat, washed more frequently than any other piece of laundry in town, is again stained with god-knows-what from his day at the clinic.

"They're gonna bring us a load a trouble, ain't they, Eustace?" She nods in the direction her visitors left in, sure that he at least caught the tail-end of the visit. He was damn smart, in her opinion, to keep out of sight. She thinks the newcomers filled their quota of neighbourly interaction and then some today.

Eustace makes a sound of agreement. "Did you give them any of your  _charms_?" he teases, stressing the last word with mock drama.

She smirks, elbows him hard in the arm and cackles at his yelp. "Joke all ya want, Doc. You buy into my  _charms_ just as much as anybody else. Maybe more."

"I'll admit to nothing of the sort," he sniffs, even though she can smell the calming incense she gave him to burn at the clinic on his clothes.

"Shut up and drink your liquor," she orders. "Of course I did; chamomile in the tea I sent, alfalfa and strawberry leaves tucked into her pocket while she wasn't looking. Quick fixes, for now. She'll come again, though, and I can give her something more solid. Lord knows she'll need it." She snatches the bottle from him and drinks. "I'll have to figure somethin' sneaky out for him. He ain't likely to pay me any mind with these things."

"It was kind of you to warn them," he offers. She shrugs, doesn't try to explain her worry that it's not enough. "What exactly are you so concerned about, if I may ask?"

"Scarier things than wild animals, Eustace." She rubs her eyes tiredly. "Scarier things indeed."

"I'll drink to that," he mutters. And if their next drinks are longer, there's no one to judge but the trees.


	4. iv

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally titled 'Doctor's Orders'. A routine check-up with the town doctor turns out to be anything but.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This chapter expanded quite a bit. I wanted to get into the confrontation with Doc a bit more, and flesh out the complicated and conflicted feelings that everyone involved would be experiencing. I'm happy to report that even more than a year after I created him, Doc is still a joy to write. As Maria's father, he is technically part of the TLOU canon, but he was mentioned for all of one line of dialogue, therefore his profession and his characterization are all mine.

When Joel shook her awake this morning, Ellie was less than pleased. She hadn't taken him seriously when he said  _where_ they were going, sure he was just fucking with her in revenge for the dozens of shitty jokes she inflicts on him daily. Neither of them was sick, and considering… well, considering  _everything_ , she didn't think he'd be eager to have her within a hundred-mile radius of any medical facility ever again.

But he didn't laugh, didn't even crack a smile to let her know he was joking. Five minutes later, they were out the door and supposedly on their way to the town clinic, and she was beginning to wonder if he was actually  _serious._  Either that, or the man graduated to a whole new level of pranking that even she could not aspire to.

" _Joel_ …" she whines now, dragging his name out for what feels like a full minute. He's walking in front of her, pulling her through town by her hand, but she can still tell that he's rolling his eyes. She can practically  _hear_  him, the movement is so loud. "Please, Joel? I promise I'll be good. I'll… I don't know. Polish the guitar for a week." He snorts and she can tell he's barely holding back a laugh. "A month. A year?  _Please_  don't make me go."

She knows she sounds immature and stupid, which is the last thing she ever wants to be when she's tried so hard to make him see her as a  _partner_  instead of an annoying brat, but her stomach is twisting awfully at the idea of their destination and she doesn't know how to tell him. It's easier to make it sound like she's kidding than to actually be serious and bring back all the shit they've been trying to avoid.

She knows it can't be dangerous, or else Joel wouldn't be taking her there, but she remembers drug-hazy flashes of masked doctors leaning over here and cold, sterile rooms and she  _doesn't want to do this._

"Don't tell me you're afraid of a trip to the doctor, Ellie," he teases.

She tries to smile but she doesn't say anything, chewing on her lip to stop herself from saying anything dumb. She does her best to keep the worry of her face because he's in a good mood today and she doesn't want to make him  _remember_ when he's happy, relaxed like this. He has worse memories from the hospital than she does; if he isn't making the connection, she's sure as hell not going to make it for him.

"You've faced down Clickers, bandits, and pretty much everythin' else under the goddamn sun. I'm pretty sure you could take some small-town doc in a fistfight," he reasons. He's dropped the teasing tone, and she can feel growing concern radiating off of him. "'Sides, I got your back. You know that." He ends the last sentence strangely, making it more of a question than a statement. She would scoff at his uncertainty if she didn't feel the same, sometimes. Even now, they have to remind each other that neither of them is alone anymore.

"Yeah, well. The last time I was around doctors it didn't exactly end well, now did it?" She means to pass it off as a joke; it's not the first time one of them has tried to mention the hospital without  _actually_ mentioning it, but it falls just as flat as all the other attempts. They can't seem to joke about it, but don't talk about it seriously either, because the last time they tried it nearly killed them both; Ellie can happily live without a lot of things, but Joel isn't one of them.

She doesn't think she'll ever be able to shake the guilt that sits like a sharp, heavy stone in her stomach but she's learning that it's  _okay,_ because when it's too much she doesn't have to face it by herself. There are strings of nights where she can't sleep for thinking about that place, and she spends more time in Joel's cot than her own. Joel, with his awful attempts at jokes to make her smile and the half-remembered, half-invented songs he sings when she needs him to.

This life he stole for her is  _good_ and she wants it enough that it pushes back at the guilt. She wants him enough that she lets herself be selfish. So, when her words come out far too sharp she feels them cut her own tongue as deep as they must cut him, because she doesn't  _mean_ them, not like that. It's a low blow, and she knows it. She feels Joel flinch hard and guilt rushes up inside of her, bitter and hot.

He slows down, tired and heavy like it's been days and not hours since he got out of bed. He loosens his grip on her hand; she knows he does it because  _he_ feels guilty and wants to give her space, knows that it's not a punishment or a scolding for mouthing off. But it hurts worse than if he snapped at her and she scrambles to tangle her fingers tightly around his.

He turns to face her and she can see that old exhaustion carved into every line in his face. She hates seeing him like this, and she wants to beat her own ass into the ground for not shutting her stupid mouth when she had the chance.

"Listen, Ellie," he begins, and she just  _knows_ he's going to apologize for not thinking about how this would make her feel. He's going to apologize, and then be quiet and distant until either he gets over it or she pulls him out of it with a shit-ton of effort. And  _fuck_ , he sounds all guilt-ridden and haunted to the core of him and…  _fuck_. She didn't want this, didn't mean for this.  _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

"I'm fine. It's fine," she assures him. He looks at her uncertainly and she realizes too late that her voice is pitched just a little too high, her response just a bit too quick. She forces herself to relax and ease her grip on his hand. "Let's get this shit over with," she grumbles, rolling her eyes exaggeratedly.  _If acting like an idiot keeps that look off his face, I'll fucking do it._  Joel still doesn't seem convinced, so she elbows him in the side. "Besides, I've got backup, right?"

That gets a bit of a smile out of him, so she pulls him forward before he can attempt to have a heart-to-heart in the middle of town. The last time he tried that, it didn't end well for anyone involved. She can still see him, tense and looking ready to deck Tommy before Maria intervened, and then silent and exhausted staring back at her until Maria led her away. Even angry and hurt like she was then, it had hurt like hell to see him like that. She won't let it happen again. "Take me to the damn doctor. Just don't look at me like that," she tells him.

"Like what?" He seems confused, but he doesn't try to pull her to a stop, letting her drag him along as she pleases. She's grateful; she's not stupid enough to think she could haul him around town if he didn't want her too.

"I don't fucking know." She shrugs, embarrassed by the thoughtful look he has on. "Like something awful just happened. You get all quiet and  _sad_ and I… I just don't like it, okay?" Her voice is getting all high and weird again and she winces. She ducks her head and kicks aimlessly at the ground. "So don't. Please."

She looks back at him and she can't read his expression, doesn't have a name for the way he's looking at her. But the sadness, the  _guilt_ , has disappeared so she doesn't push him further.

"Why do I have to go to the doctor, anyways?" she asks after a few beats of silence. "I'm not sick. And how the fuck are we supposed to explain this?" she asks sourly, waving her free arm, the one with the bite. She doesn't want to think about what would happen if this doctor saw her arm; she has a feeling it'd end with Joel's gun and a whole lot of blood, and she's seen enough of  _that_ for a lifetime.

"Put that down!" Joel growls, batting at her arm. "The last thing we need is one of these idiots thinkin' your infected and runnin' around yellin' it to everyone."

Ellie huffs, wanting to point out that she's wearing long sleeves so they're not in any danger unless someone in Jackson develops fucking  _X-ray vision_. But she knows he's more worried than annoyed, so she does as he says and holds the sarcasm.

"And I don't know how we're gonna explain that one. Don't have to show your arm today, but eventually…" He sighs heavily. "Not sure if we can hide it forever. Tommy said he'd be hangin' 'round there, though. Maybe he'll have a better idea for the long-term."

" _That's_ our plan? Awesome," she mutters, her earlier nerves coming back to twist at her insides again. "Fucking  _awesome._ I really think it's a winner."

Joel ignores her snarking and shrugs. He doesn't seem overly concerned, which helps to calm her a bit. "Worse comes to worse, we shoot 'im."

"The doctor or Tommy?" Ellie asks, knowing that he doesn't really mean it. Joel gives her a look and she shrugs, biting the inside of her cheek to stop the smartass grin that's fighting to come out. "What?" It feels  _good_ to be able to joke about that; not too long ago, the idea of Joel shooting his brother  _wouldn't_ have been laughable. There were too many close calls as it was.

She can see the retort about to come out, but then he looks up and yanks her to a stop in front of a building she hasn't seen before. It's a little rundown, like most of the buildings around the dam. Small vases of flowers and green, grassy stuff sit on either side of the door, making it seem more like somebody's house than a medical centre. If it wasn't for the homemade sign nailed to the door proudly declaring 'CLINIC' in large capital letters, she'd think Joel took a wrong turn.

"We're here," he informs her exasperatedly, shoving the door open and pulling her through before she can protest.

She expects to be hit with the smell of antiseptic and medicine, but if anything it smells more like Babs' place than a hospital. She peeks out from behind Joel, squeezing his hand reassuringly as she feels him bristle at the unfamiliar setting. "Well this is… um. Cozy?" Ellie attempts as they take in their surroundings.

Joel snorts. "That's one word for it," he says, shaking his head in disbelief. He doesn't seem to know whether to laugh or get pissed, and Ellie doesn't blame him.

It's like something out of a sci-fi book; hell, she can imagine this place in  _Savage Starlight_ as some outer-space alien lab. The walls are lined with shelves covered in jar filled with plants both dried and in liquid that she  _hopes_ is water, and… she's gonna be honest. She's doesn't have a clue what most of this stuff is. A few faded 'Feel better!' posters hang off the walls and Ellie has to wonder at the decorating taste.

The room isn't exactly large, and she's stricken with the worry that she'll knock something over if she walks in a straight line. A curtain is drawn at the back of the room, and she decides she doesn't want to know what's back there. A few cots are set up this side of the curtain, and  _those_ at least seem to be organized, all of them clean and made up nicely. She's not sure what she was expecting; blood and guts and gore splattered on the sheets and walls?

"Looks like Frankenstein's lab," Joel chuckles to himself. She shoots him a confused look and he shakes his head. "Nothin' important. Don't worry 'bout it," he assures her. Honestly, if whatever he was referencing reminds him of  _this_ place, she's not sure she wants to know.

"I'm afraid I have to disagree," says an unfamiliar voice.

Both of them jump as the curtain parts, hands going to their holsters. Ellie is  _really_ fucking grateful to have a gun in her hand; she still can't wrap her head around the fact that people walk around town  _unarmed_ and look at  _her_ funny for not following.

"Alright, let's just calm down, shall we? No need for that. I'm quite harmless, I assure you." The speaker is an older man, years beyond Tommy or Joel. If she were to guess, she'd put him around Bab's age.

And just like when she met Babs, Ellie feels strangely like she's looking into the past; this man was well into adulthood when the world ended, had already lived an entire  _life_ before. Jealousy bubbles up briefly inside of her before she pushes it down.

She never saw anyone actually  _survive_  to be that old before she came to Jackson; she wonders if it's a normal thing here, for people to live long enough to grow old and white-haired, or if she's just met a couple of flukes. Ellie would believe it of Babs, with her crack aim and her stubbornness, but not of this man.

He doesn't exactly look like the type to make it on his own. He's wearing glasses for one thing, and while he's decently tall he's too thin, almost frail-looking. But that might just be his lab coat; it's a little too big for his frame and might have been white once, but time has turned it an unpleasant shade of grey. If he was fast,  _maybe_ she would give him a chance on the outside, but he looks more likely to shatter something inside of him before he got very far.

_I was_ scared  _of this guy? Seriously?_ she thinks with disbelief. She relaxes, looks over to find that Joel's done the same. She has a brief moment of guilt as she realizes that she doesn't even  _know_ this man and she's already thought about how hard he'd be to kill.

"Frankenstein is one of the greatest literary accomplishments of all time. Hardly 'nothin'', if you don't mind me saying so," the man informs them, readjusting the curtains and turning to face them.

His hands hang loosely at his sides, but somehow his posture doesn't strike her as relaxed. He keeps making small, aborted movements towards his many pockets.  _Doesn't look like he's hiding anything… maybe just a habit?_ His expression is friendly, but when he shifts and the light hits him just right she can see a fine sheen of sweat on his forehead.

"Mary Shelley wasn't much older than you when she wrote it," he says, smiling at Ellie. She doesn't return the movement, but makes a mental note to ask Joel more about this Shelley chick later.

"She was  _eighteen_ ," Joel mutters, as if there's some  _huge_  difference between that and fifteen. Ellie resists the urge to roll her eyes.  _I could totally write a book if I wanted to,_ she thinks. _I've probably been through more than that girl ever was, anyways._  The stranger's mouth twitches and the cough he makes into his hand sounds suspiciously like a laugh. Ellie's glad she's not the  _only_ one thinking Joel's being ridiculous.

The sound of something crashing to the floor startles all of them. The older man grimaces. "Oh, dear. Not again…" he mutters.

The curtain pulls aside again and Tommy grins back at them, waving them over. "Joel, Ellie! Glad you could finally make it." His expression shifts slightly when the man in the lab coat approaches. "Sorry, Doc… it kinda slipped," he says, motioning to a box at his feet that looks like it's leaking. The other man sighs long-sufferingly, but doesn't seem at all surprised.

"Doc? He's the town doctor?" Joel snorts in disbelief. "Fantastic." Ellie can't exactly disagree with that. Even if the doctor doesn't seem threatening, he doesn't seem like he's capable of treating a  _paper-cut_  either.

"No, I wear this coat because it brings out the colour of my eyes," the older man mutters, edging cautiously towards the box. Joel's expression at the stranger's unexpected comeback is so priceless that Ellie just  _has_ to laugh.

"Aw, don't be like that, big brother. Doc's real talented. He's saved my ass more than a few times," Tommy assures him. Ellie looks over at the old man, still not feeling very convinced.

"Yes, well," Doc mutters, rummaging through the leaking box. "Maria would never forgive me if I let you bleed out on my operating table."

"You operate on people in here?" Ellie asks, and her voice comes out a lot smaller than she would have liked. She backs away from the divider, suddenly sure she'll see a full-blown operating room, tools and all, if she goes in too far. Joel puts his arm around her and squeezes her shoulders.

"Well, not in this exact spot, but yes. When I have to," he admits. He takes in her expression and his voice is softer when he speaks again. "Please don't be afraid. I don't strap people down like some madman, and I  _certainly_ don't operate without their permission. I'm not one of the Fireflies, child. You're safe here; I've lived long enough to know that no cure is coming, and I've long since made my peace."

There's a long beat of silence where she can't process what she's heard. His words seem to sink in all at once, and suddenly she can't fucking breathe.  _He knows._  She can't form a thought beyond that. It doesn't matter that his words are kind, that he's old and she could fight him off if she had to.  _Who else did he tell?_ She had no idea how many other people know, how long they've known for. She's not  _safe_.

Joel goes unnaturally still beside her for a moment, and then everything seems to happen at once. There's a flurry of movement and she's getting pushed back and Tommy is shouting, "Easy, brother. Easy!" and moving directly in front of them, arms wide like a target. "Can't let you do this, Joel," Tommy warns.

It takes her a moment to realize what she's seeing; Joel's revolver is aimed right at the doctor, or where the doctor  _was_  before Tommy had gotten between them. Ellie feels  _miles_ beyond betrayed as she stares at the younger Miller brother protecting a man that could ruin  _everything_. She remembers Maria telling her and Joel not long ago that they were family, all of them, and that they would look out for each other. Ellie's heart sinks a little, and she realizes she honestly thought Maria was telling the truth. But whoever that doctor is, he's obviously more important to Tommy than his own brother, his own  _blood_.

Her eyes dart to the holster at Tommy's side, and she figures they don't have very long until he tries to reach for it. She curses himself for getting blindsided so easily, and reaches for her own gun. She sees Tommy's eyes tighten and the sadness that flashes across his face is painful to watch.

"Ellie, please," Tommy pleads. She knows he won't hurt her, couldn't bring himself to do it even if it meant risking his own life. He still sees her as a little kid even though she could blow his brains out, and he won't kill a child, even if he may as well have pulled the trigger by telling the doctor. His reluctance gives her and Joel an advantage, a significant one. She feels a little sick at strategizing like Tommy is the enemy but it's not her fault dammit  _he isn't giving them a choice._

"Ellie, don't," Joel mutters, not taking his eyes off of his brother. "Lemme handle this."

In any other situation, she'd be pissed as hell at him for saying that, for pushing her behind him like she's a useless little girl who can't defend herself. But it's not some meathead hunter they're facing off against, it's  _Tommy_ , and that changes things. So she backs down, lets her hand fall from her gun even as she keeps her eyes on Tommy.

_I'll shoot you if I have to,_ she thinks with grim determination.  _I don't want to, but I won't let you hurt him._ That awful sadness doesn't leave his face, and she knows he understands without a word said between them.

"Another trigger-happy Texan. Fabulous. I can barely contain my excitement," the old man deadpans from behind Tommy. Ellie thinks it might be an attempt to lighten the mood, though she thinks she hears his voice shake slightly. Tommy shushes him urgently, and Ellie wonders again why he's trying so hard to protect that man.

"You shut up," Joel growls to the doctor. "And you." He motions towards Tommy with the gun. "I fuckin' trusted you with this, you bastard! How could you tell him? A doctor, Tommy! A fuckin' doctor! D'you have  _any_  idea…?" He trails off and Tommy winces, either at the anger in his brother's voice or the disappointment, or maybe both.

Ellie dares to creep forward to check on Joel and her heart  _wrenches_  when she sees his face. He has his mask on; the same furious, half-wild expression he always wears when they're in danger, but she's learned to see through the cracks and she can tell Joel is hurting badly. She doesn't know if Tommy is still able to read his brother, or if he ever knew how at all, but the younger man seems just as distressed.

"Joel, just put the gun down and let me explain," Tommy says, clearly trying not to beg.

"Not likely,  _brother_." Joel spits out the last word like it's a curse and Tommy flinches like he's been hit. "C'mon, Ellie. We're gettin' outta here."

And  _fuck_ , she wants to cry. Things were so good here. They were safe, they had a roof over their heads and dammit she was  _happy_. Now they have to leave, go back to a life where they'll have to watch their backs every second.

She looks at Joel and thinks of how bone-tired he was of that life. Out there they won't have backup, won't have anywhere safe to sleep or patch themselves up. She remembers winter, remembers how close she was to losing Joel, and for a moment she can't get any air inside of her. But he's right; they can't stay here. Jackson is more dangerous than the outside, now.

The sound of the door busting open shatters the tense silence. "Hey Dad, I couldn't find- what the fuck is going on here?" Maria's voice rings out and Ellie turns sharply to face her, making sure to keep the others in view at the same time. She doesn't know whether to be relieved or terrified. Ellie hears Joel curse under his breath, and she wonders if they'll have to fight their way out, now.

"Ah, Maria. Just in time to see your brother-in-law shoot your husband and dear old dad to pieces. Give us a hand, darling?" the old man asks, ducking out briefly from behind Tommy.

Ellie frowns in confusion.  _Her dad?_ And then it all makes sense. Tommy  _is_ protecting his family, after all. He's just keeping his priorities straight.  _Guess he needs a doctor more than a couple of strays,_ she thinks bitterly.

"You  _told_ them? Already?" Maria exclaims. The two men shrug helplessly, and she sighs heavily. There's a heavy click as she locks the front door. "Put the gun down, Joel. Can't we discuss this like civilized people?" she asks, walking up slowly.

Ellie doesn't dare to turn away from Maria so she can't see the look Joel shoots his sister-in-law, but it can't be all too pleasant because the older woman flinches slightly.

"Right. Forgot who I was talking to. Just… take it easy, okay? No one's gonna hurt Ellie." She offers Ellie a small smile, but Ellie can't find the heart to return it.  _She knew_ , Ellie thinks numbly.  _She knew Tommy told the doctor. I_ trusted  _her._ Maria's face falls at the lack of response. "You've got my word, even though that probably isn't worth much too you at the moment," she says, and before today Ellie would have believed her. Now, she can't be sure.

Joel grunts in agreement at Maria's observation, and the tension radiating off of him doesn't fade.

"In my defense, I specifically said I wasn't going to hurt the girl," Doc pipes up. "This  _really_ isn't necessary." He seems completely serious, and Ellie isn't sure whether to laugh or cuss the bastard out. Does he honestly think they can believe him, after everything they've been through?

Tommy snorts. "You coulda eased them into it, Doc. I did warn you Joel was a bit…" He trails off, nodding towards the scene around them.

"Irrationally protective of the girl to the point of homicide? Yes, you did," he admits too calmly for a man with a gun on him. "I apologize; it could have been done better. My bedside manner never was the strongest, even… well, even before," he admits.

"But you've never been  _stupid_ ," Maria hisses. "This isn't a joke, Dad. If Tommy hadn't…" She stops, and her expression is tinged with something like fear.

It doesn't seem right for Maria to be afraid, especially not of  _them_ , and Ellie wishes more than ever that the bite on her arm wasn't so noticeable. She doesn't wish it gone, she wouldn't have met Joel otherwise, but it stands out like a brand on her skin and she's tired of the attention it brings.

"You should've waited. What the  _hell_  were you thinking?" Maria demands, whatever fear she had turning quickly to anger.

"He wasn't," Tommy mutters. "Wasn't thinkin' a goddamn thing."

"She was afraid," the doctor protests. "She's just a  _child_ , and I thought…" He sighs heavily. "I didn't want her to be afraid."

Ellie bristles at being called a child  _again_ , but she can't see anything worth fearing in the doctor's expression. She's been through too much to trust anyone's words, but she  _wants_ to believe him, to believe Tommy and Maria and to stay in Jackson and just  _live._

Joel scoffs. "Worked out well, didn't it?" he mutters.

Doc grimaces. "I really am sorry. It's not every day that someone immune to the  _Cordyceps_  appears on my doorstep, and I was curious. I got ahead of myself, I'll confess to that." He steps out from behind Tommy, causing his son-in-law to swear quietly while his skin goes pale. Doc raises his hands peacefully.

Maria makes a sharp, wounded sound that hurts Ellie's heart. She doesn't know what it's like to have a parent, but she  _does_ know what missing one feels like, and it's the last thing she'd wish on this woman who is –was- her friend. Ellie can't be responsible for that. She reaches up and rests her hand on Joel's arm.  _Don't._ He doesn't look at her. The room collectively holds its breath. No gunshot sounds, and Joel stays still.

"But I would never put someone at risk… and a  _child_ no less, it's unthinkable." The older man shakes his head. "You can keep the gun on me if you have to, but I promise I won't hurt her. I'm sure you don't need my permission to shoot me dead if I go back on my word," Doc reasons.

Joel doesn't say anything, and Doc sighs. "You're not going to make this easy, are you?"

"He ain't gonna tell nobody," Tommy assures, eyes flickering between Joel and Ellie. "He's known since the beginnin', pretty much. After that fuck-up at the gate we  _had_ to tell him. Usually, Doc's the one who checks over the newcomers, makes sure they're clean."

Ellie sees something close to understand begin to dawn on Joel's face, and she lets herself hope just a little bit.

"Your brother came to me after he'd settled you in and asked me to say I'd checked you both for infection," Doc explains. "I didn't ask why. I'm not sure what I thought; that one of you was infected and Tommy felt you were owed time to grieve and wanted to take care of it discreetly? That you simply didn't want to be harassed by strangers?" He shrugs. "I've trusted my daughter and her husband with my life too many times to have doubted them on this. So, I lied. After a few days, when neither of you showed any outward signs of infection, and I was being asked for details I didn't have…"

"We decided to tell him," Maria continues for him. "We didn't want any discrepancies between his story and ours. People were suspicious enough already. Not to mention that if something happened, if Elle ever got hurt and needed treatment, it's better for him to find out this way than rushed and panicked at the last possible second."

Ellie shudders at the image and Joel shifts closer to her.

"We made a call, the best we could think of at the time," Maria finishes. "I'm sorry you had to find out like this, but you have to know that neither of you were ever in any danger."

"We were gonna tell you soon," Tommy adds. "We were just tryin' to figure the best way to avoid… well, all  _this_ mess."

"Who else knows?" Joel asks. "And I want the fuckin'  _truth_ , Tommy."

"No one," the younger man answers immediately. "I swear to God, nobody outside of this room knows Ellie is immune." Ellie hasn't ever known Tommy to be a liar, and she doesn't think he's starting now. But Joel knows him better, knows him  _best_ , and he's not backing down.

The idea of those people, those  _strangers_ , knowing her worst secret is enough to make her stomach push up to her throat. She thinks of Louvenia and her friends, how they looked at her like she was a freak even  _before._ She forces herself to breathe.  _If that woman knew, me and Joel woulda been shot in our sleep ages ago,_ she tells herself. If nothing else, she can have faith in the speed of small-town gossip. If someone else knew,  _everyone_ would know by now.  _Tommy's telling the truth,_ she thinks.  _He has to be._

"In hindsight, that might not have been the best idea, letting him know he could take care of the situation tidily with three bullets," Doc muses.

"He ain't gonna hurt us," Tommy says with more conviction than Ellie would expect. At Joel's huff, he fixes his older brother with a challenging look. "You gonna make a liar outta me, brother?"

"No, he won't," Ellie says finally, surprising even herself as she speaks.

Joel stares down at her, slightly startled. "I won't?"

"Joel, I think it's okay," she says. He levels her with a silencing look, which she ignores. "Tommy and Maria wouldn't have told him if he was gonna hurt me."

"You honestly believe that?" he asks. There's no ridicule in his tone, no disapproval for being too trusting. She knows he'll back whatever decision she makes. She just hopes she doesn't make the wrong one.

"I have to." She shrugs, the movement oddly heavy on her shoulders. " _We_ have to."

They've faced so many horrible excuses for people in the past year, and she's dead tired of it. She wants to believe that these people that she trusted, that she was starting to consider her family, are  _good_.

"If they were gonna do something, they would've fucking done it already," she reminds him. "And you've had your gun on them for how long now? And no one's tried to kill you, even though Tommy and Maria are both armed. That has to count for something, doesn't it?"

"Kid, if this is some fucked-up suicide mission to get the cure, I swear…" Joel trails off, and even though she knows the threat is empty, the fear in his eyes still hurts.

"I wouldn't do that to you," she says, and holds his gaze until he finally nods in acceptance. "Besides," she continues, trying her best to smile, "it might be nice to get a professional opinion from someone who doesn't want to chop my brain into tiny pieces. It's okay, idiot. Put the gun down. We're okay." She nudges him with her shoulder, eyeing him hopefully.

Joel swears under his breath, but to everyone's visible relief, he holsters the gun. He glares at Doc. "One wrong move…" he threatens.

"I'm aware of the consequences, thank you," Doc says wryly.

Ellie has to wonder if he was always like that, or if years of facing death have mostly desensitized. Or maybe he's just a really, really good actor. She can't imagine  _anyone_ getting used to the idea of dying.  _You almost did_ , she reminds herself, thinking back to when she was ready to do anything for the cure. Joel is shifting anxiously at her side, and she links her arm with his to still him.  _Almost, but not quite._

"It don't have to be  _now_ , Ellie," he tells her quietly. "We can go home, if you wanna."

She almost takes Joel up on his offer. She wants to race back and make sure their place is still standing, make sure that they'll still be falling asleep with a roof over their heads and without anything trying to kill them.  _Home_ sounds perfect, but she's terrified she'll lose her nerve if she doesn't get this over with now and she  _can't_ chicken out. Joel has to see that she trusts Doc, trusts Tommy and Maria, with her secret. If there's any room for doubt she has a feeling this strained peace that settled over them won't last long.

"I don't mind," she assures him. She turns to look at Doc, who looks back at her intently. "If that's okay?"

The older man nods, a shadow of a smile on his face. "Of course. This way, please."

He motions for Ellie to follow and she does, forcing herself not to hesitate. It's hard to unstick her feet from the floor, but Joel is still edgy as fuck and when she looks at Tommy he's still too pale and  _she has to move_. So, she does. Doc doesn't try leading her behind the curtain, and she's so fucking relieved because she's not sure if she'd be able to keep her cool if he did. Joel doesn't let go of her at first, hand curling around hers as she starts to move away, and she smiles reassuringly.

"Joel." She doesn't have to say anything else. He knows.

Joel heaves out a long-suffering sigh and lets her go. He follows close behind, close enough to pull her out of the way if he has to, and she pretends not to notice. She can't change his protective steak, doesn't  _want_ to change it. She doesn't think she could manage without him at her side, at her back, just  _being_ there. Knowing that he is keeps her from bolting in the other direction when Doc offers her a seat on one of the cots.

Doc starts talking to her; explaining what he's going to do, what tools he's going to use, and that she can stop him at any time. He repeats the last part a few times, and she feels a little grateful towards him for it.

She doesn't pay as much attention to him as she could because Tommy steps up beside his brother and suddenly that's so much more important than whatever Doc is doing. The older man seems to understand that, or maybe he wants to hear just as badly, and lays out his tools in silence as she listens.

"Listen, Joel…" Tommy starts.

Joel growls unintelligibly at him and Ellie holds her breath for a moment, waiting. Nothing happens, and she sighs quietly with relief. Doc must notice her reaction, but he doesn't mention it. Ellie catches Maria's eye and the older woman shrugs tiredly, relief just as clear on her expression.

Tommy sighs. "Doc is real fuckin' smart, alright? Just think about it for a goddamn second without bitin' my head off. We still have no idea how Ellie is able to be immune. He can learn things from her without hurtin' her. He don't care 'bout the cure, brother. Not anymore."

Joel scoffs in disbelief. "Everybody cares 'bout the cure. You did too, little brother. You wanted to believe."

"Not enough to hurt the girl," Tommy retorts. "Not enough to hurt  _you_. And you know that, you're just too goddamn stubborn to admit it." The two brothers glare at each other in silence.  _Stubbornness definitely runs in the family_ , Ellie thinks.

"You could cut the testosterone in the air with a  _knife_ ," Doc mutters under his breath. His voice is so quiet that only she hears it, and she's not even sure if she was meant to, but a tiny laugh escapes her anyways. He looks up at her and smiles briefly before ducking his head again.

"Listen," Tommy starts up again. "I've known Doc for years, and even back when people still thought a cure was comin' he was the one to bring everybody back to reality. Said the only way to survive was to keep movin' forward, so that's what we did." He tugs a hand through his hair in frustration. "Dammit, Joel. He's a  _doctor_. If he wanted a cure, he coulda gone over to work for the Fireflies ages ago and looked for it himself."

"He's right, you know," Doc says. Joel sends him a hard look, which he ignores. "Twenty years is a very long time to think about consequences. In the beginning, of course I thought it was possible. We all did. But after everything that happened, after humanity has regressed to the point that it has…"

Doc shrugs and the resignation on his face is almost comfortable, as if it's carved a place into him after so many years. Ellie can't remember the last time she saw someone react that way to the idea of a cure. She's seen hope so strong that it breaks people, and she's seen anger and disbelief and a thousand other emotions. Hell, she's seen people dedicate their whole fucking  _lives_  to it and even  _die_ for it, but not… this. Not this old, smoothed-over acceptance that Doc holds.  _He has to be lying,_  she thinks, but she doesn't hear anything false in his words. And it's scaring the shit out of her.

"It begs the question," Doc continues, "what good would a cure really do this late in the game? There would be intense fighting over a vaccine, and of course only those with something to trade for it would be cured. It would cause a massive social rift and likely send us spiralling into another civil war. At least we're all on similar standing at the moment. A cure would cause  _more_ chaos, not solve it."

Ellie's bite feels like it's burning through her sleeve. She's never heard the cure being discussed so casually before, especially without someone constantly referencing  _her_ and  _her_ responsibilities and what  _she_ needs to do to make it happen.

Doc's words make  _sense_ , but what he's saying goes against everything she knows to be true. The cure was the answer, it was going to fix everything and everyone and the world would be  _normal_ again. It never mattered that Ellie didn't know what  _normal_ was supposed to look like, or that she might not live to see it. It was what was best for everyone.

But now this stranger is talking about it like it's something less than ideal, something  _dangerous_. But if that's true, then what was the point of everything? Of the Fireflies' crusade, of Marlene going up against Joel and dying,  _any_ of it? It was one thing to know she and Joel had fucked everyone over to live, but the idea that so many people were fighting for something that would've just made the world worse… she's not ready for that. She's not ready to  _think_ about that.

Ellie looks over at Joel, and for a split second his expression is almost hopeful as he listens. He doesn't relax completely, doesn't do anything as stupid as let his guard down, but he  _listens_. His eyes meet hers and her heart breaks a little at the look of them. She knows how much this means to him; if the cure isn't the endgame, then she's safe.

Not from rebels or doctors or any enemy, but from  _herself_. Wasn't it just minutes ago he was worried she was giving herself up? She's not stupid. She knows what he dreams about most nights, knows that Joel worries constantly that she's going to run off to the Fireflies to fix what he did. But if Doc is right, if she believes him, then she won't leave.

She meant what she said earlier. She  _won't_ hurt him, and definitely not like that. Whatever hopes she had for a cure were gone the second Joel told her what would happen to him if she died. Ellie has her own nightmares, and too many nights they show her that exact scene; Joel, alone and defeated, his gun pressed to his temple, the shatter of the pulled trigger. She always wakes up, and he's always there when she reaches for him, but they came so close to their nightmares becoming reality and she won't try it again. She can't. Some prices are just too high, and she's not Marlene. She can't make the sacrifices Marlene did, and she doesn't want to.

Doc interrupts her thoughts with a grumbled curse as something drops, clinking noisily on the ground. He starts to bend over, but Maria beats him to it. "Don't stress your back, Dad. It's not good for you," she chides.

"Still can't get over that," Joel mutters, looking between the two of them.

Tommy rolls his eyes good-naturedly. "Tell me 'bout it. He's my goddamn father-in-law, how d'you think  _I_ feel?"

Doc huffs. "So  _that's_ the thanks I get for all the times I patched you up, is it? I see. Well, that's gratitude for you."

Tommy grins lopsidedly. "C'mon, Doc. You know I ain't serious. We wouldn't have this place if it weren't for you."

"It was his idea at first," Maria explains, catching the confused look Ellie sends Joel. "He came up with the whole idea of a self-sufficient society; the livestock, the farming, all of it. He's a bit of a brain, if you haven't noticed." She smiles, not without pride.

Doc snorts. "You know as well as I do that I wouldn't have lasted nearly as long as I have without you watching my back," he says. "As for our more obvious differences," he gestures self-deprecatingly at himself, "all I can say is thank  _God_ she took after her mother." His joking tone falters briefly, and a shadow crosses both his and Maria's expressions.

Ellie feels a strange ache in her chest as she watches them, and her mind wanders to her mother's letter, sitting worn and creased at the bottom of her backpack. She sees Joel look at Tommy curiously, but the younger man just shakes his head.

Doc clears his throat, and continues with his good humor, "I think we can all agree that one scrawny brain in the family is more than enough." Maria shoots him a skeptical look, but she's smiling while she does it, her brief sadness fading out completely. It feels like an old argument, and Ellie would bet they've had the same conversation hundreds of times over the last two decades.

Doc clears his throat to get her attention, and when she looks back at him his expression is deeply serious. "Would you mind if I took a look at the scar?" he asks.

She freezes for a moment, panic rushing through her. After over a year of hiding the bite and fighting for her life because of it, she's just supposed to roll up her sleeve like nothing happened? What if something goes wrong? What if Doc changes his mind, what if they all see and flip their shit? What the hell was she thinking, this is the worst fucking idea she's ever had, oh  _god_ …

"It's perfectly fine if you don't want to," he assures. "It's alright, Ellie."

Her chest feels tight and uncomfortable and even though it makes no fucking sense she feels  _trapped._ She turns to Joel out of instinct and he's beside her in an instant, his hand warm and comforting on her shoulder. "I ain't gonna let you get hurt, you know that," he reminds her.

She nods, because  _of course_ she fucking knows that, it's the only thing she really  _does_ know. "It's not that I don't trust him, I just can't… I thought I could…" she stutters, clenching her hands in frustrations when the words refuse to come out right.

"I know," Joel says. "We can come back some other time, it's alright." Unsure, she searches his face for any trace of his earlier anger but there's nothing in his expression but concern for her. "We can come back, Ellie," he repeats. "You don't gotta prove anythin'." His eyes tighten as a sort of guilt she hasn't seen before creeps into them.

She ducks her head, not nearly as ashamed of how easily he read her as she is of making him hurt.  _Fucking idiot,_ she scolds herself.  _If he gets all weird because he thinks I'm scared of him, I'm kicking my own ass into next year._ "I know," she says quickly, feeling sick and wanting to scream in frustration because that's not what she  _meant_ , not like  _that._ She's not trying to protect everyone else from Joel losing his shit, she's trying to protect  _him_.

Joel will never be entirely civil or relaxed around other people and she  _knows_ that, isn't at all bothered by it, but he  _tries_  because it makes their life easier. And if she wants to keep peace between the people in this room it's only because she fucking refuses to see him bleeding out under her hands ever again, refuses to let him throw away safety and  _life_  because he's afraid for her.

_Come on, Williams,_  she thinks. _You can fix this. Just do it. The fuck is wrong with you, being afraid of a check-up?_ She can't move for a moment, has to steady her breathing for a minute or two despite her inner pep-talk. No one speaks, and Doc waits patiently and keeps his distance. Once she's something close to calm, she reaches for her sleeve.

"You sure?" Joel asks, sounding as unsure as she feels.

She knows he's about to offer her another out, and she doesn't think she'll be able to take it so she cuts him off with a sharp nod. "Yeah." She smiles nervously at him. "Could you…?" She looks pleadingly at the hand still on her shoulder and shuffles to the side, giving him room to sit beside her if he wants to. There's no reason to be embarrassed, but she can't finish the question and she shrugs instead.

Something like surprise crosses his face at her request, his mouth tugging into a pleased little smile that makes her want to fucking cry because he should know by now that she wants him close  _always_ , and it's so stupid,  _she's_ so stupid. "I ain't goin' nowhere," he promises, squeezing her shoulder gently and she swears to fucking  _God_ if her eyes betray her and overflow she's carving them out with a fucking  _spoon_.

But they don't, and she breathes out deeply in relief. He settles beside her and slings his arm around her waist, waiting. The panic in her chest lessens slightly, and she can breathe easier. She can do this. She can handle this if he's here with her.

She tugs her sleeve up quickly, before she loses her nerve again and bolts out of the clinic. She hears three different sharp, shocked breaths taken and she grabs Joel's arm hard enough that she might draw blood with her nails.

"D'you mind?" he snaps, and the words sting for a moment before she realizes he wasn't talking to her. He glares at Tommy and Maria pointedly, but they're already rambling apologies.

"Christ, Ellie," Tommy says. "Sorry, kid. I didn't mean… ain't nothin' wrong. 'M just surprised, is all."

"We've never seen…" Maria trails off, motioning towards the scar. "I didn't know what to expect, really. It's incredible."

"It's fine," Ellie mutters even though it's  _not_ and she  _hates_ this, hates all the eyes on that fucking bite because it's not  _her_ , dammit. She's more than just that, isn't she? Joel's always telling her she's worth so much more than the cure but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it right now.

"May I?" Doc asks, hand hovering uncertainly over her arm.

"Knock yourself out, Doc," she tries to joke, but her voice wavers nervously and she winces.

"If she wants out, you let her. That clear?" Joel growls, his arm tightening around her.

Ellie expects Doc to point out that he's already said as much several times, but instead the older man nods earnestly. "Perfectly," Doc assures.

Ellie knows she should say something, at least cut Joel a look to get him to curb his protective streak for a moment. But she's relieved that he said it, that she has the option to call it off even if she won't do it.

Doc hesitates, staring at the scar for a moment before looking at her. She's surprised; she figured he'd be completely absorbed in the bite as soon as he saw it. But he keeps his eyes on her, and the curiosity in his expression is mixed with kindness.

"Should I be particularly careful with the skin there?" Doc asks. "Does it hurt?"

She shakes her head. "No." Sometimes she believes it does, when she remembers too much or when she wakes up too quickly from a bad dream, though it's nothing but phantom pain. He doesn't need to know about that; the last thing she wants is to have him try and figure out how her head works, to tell her she's crazy or suffering from some fucked-up brain disorder because of the infection.

"Is Trigger over there going to shoot me if I do this?" he asks with a small, playful smile, inclining his head towards Joel. The nickname rings a bell somewhere in Ellie's mind, but she can't remember exactly  _why._ She looks at Joel questioningly and sees him send Doc a strange look at the nickname.

"Not unless I tell him to," Ellie promises, returning Doc's smile. Joel snorts, but doesn't contradict her.

Tommy barks out a laugh. " _Damn_ , brother. She's gotcha collared, don't she?" Ellie looks just in time to watch Maria elbow her husband in the side. "What?" Tommy asks. "It's  _funny_." Maria shushes him. Joel doesn't respond, but Ellie sees the shadow of a smile cross over his face.

Doc grins. "Marvellous. I'll be on my best behaviour, so you won't have a reason to sic your Texan on me." He winks playfully and she laughs a little despite herself. Doc's face contorts with concentration, and he reaches carefully for her arm.

"Don't you need gloves, or something?" Ellie asks, alarmed that he'll be exposing himself to the bite. She pulls her arm back reflexively.

Doc arches an eyebrow but doesn't try to grab her. "Do I?" he asks.

"It ain't infectious," Joel says quickly. "I've touched it before. You ain't in any danger."

Doc raises his hands peacefully. "I believe you," he says. "The original infection can't be passed by touch, therefore I highly doubt this…  _strain_ would function much differently." He pats Ellie's hand comfortingly. "Don't worry about me, Ellie. I'll be fine. Seeing as I have very few pairs of examination gloves left, I prefer not to use them unless completely necessary and this is hardly the time."

She nods her understanding and slowly returns her arm. Doc nods gratefully at her, his intense concentration returning as he observes her bite. "Fascinating…" he mutters to himself. Ellie flinches back as he touches the ridges of scar tissue, the unfamiliarity of it enough to twist her chest again. Doc pauses immediately, looking with concern from her to Joel.

"Sorry," she mumbles. Joel rubs her back gently, and she anchors herself to his touch for a moment.

"No reason to apologize," Doc tells her. "Do you need a moment?"

"I'm okay," she says, but it's more in response to Joel and the quiet worry radiating off of him. "Really," she says when she can still feel the tension in his hands, his body. She nods at Doc and offers her arm again, but he seems reluctant, his eyes returning to Joel again and again.

Ellie expects Joel's expression to be something terrible, but when she turns to take a better look at him he just looks tired, resigned. "Ain't my decision," he tells the older man. "She knows her own limits." He seems pained as he says it, and she knows he'd like nothing better than to get her out of here. But it's her choice, and he's  _letting_ it be her choice. She smiles softly at him, and he returns it briefly.

"Back to it, then?" Doc asks. Ellie nods, reluctantly turning from Joel. She doesn't flinch again under Doc's inspection, but she's not able to completely relax, either. She looks up at Tommy and Maria once, but the sympathy on their faces is too strong for her to stomach. She focuses her attention on a torn patch in her jeans and waits, forcing herself not to think about anything else, about how  _wrong_  it feels to have the scar exposed to the world like this.

She doesn't know exactly what Doc is looking for, but he seems to have a purpose as he prods at the old wound. He asks her a few questions;  _how long ago was she bitten, did she notice any physical or psychological differences after it happened, has the scar changed at all since then?_  Normal questions that get normal answers;  _it's been a year, she felt a little warm and weird for a while after but she was crying and panicking so that might have been it, no changes but it healed awfully fast for such a deep wound._ Doc nods at her answers as easily as if he's heard them a thousand times before, like he's totally used to immune people sitting in his clinic.

Afterwards he does what he says is a routine check-up, explaining that any irregularities could be blamed on the infection. He checks her pulse, her blood pressure, her breathing, even looks into her ears and her mouth with some strange little device. He makes her stand up so he can weigh her, though he admits the index for 'healthy' weights has shifted significantly, given their situation. It's strange as hell, but Joel assures her that check-ups before were just like this. She doesn't have any proof otherwise- medical attention at the military school pretty much amounted to: is something broken? Are you bleeding? If not, get the fuck out.

"Alright," Doc says after what feels like a lifetime. "That should do it for now. Obviously I can't tell anything other than that you don't demonstrate any visible anomalies, so I'd like to run some blood tests, if you wouldn't mind," Doc says. "I don't have anything near the lab capacity I would have had back then, but I might still be able to glean something useful from it."

Ellie winces at the idea of needles and her blood being sucked out of her veins, but she nods. "I guess that'd be okay," she says. "If we can learn something then we should try, right?"

Doc grins and pats her arm approvingly. "Excellent. Though it  _will_  take some time for me to find the proper equipment –or substitutes for lack thereof- so you can go, unless you have any further concerns?" Doc looks from her to Joel, who shakes his head and moves to stand.

She pauses for a moment, thinking. The idea comes to her so clearly she can't believe she didn't think of it before. "Could you take a look at Joel's side?" she asks. "He got a hurt a while ago and I want to make sure it healed okay."

"Of course," Doc agrees, a knowing smile playing across his face at her concern.

Joel groans. " _Ellie_ ," he begins, and she can already hear the refusal in his voice.  _Fuck that_ , she thinks.

"Please, Joel?" she asks, tugging on his arm.

How many times during the winter did she wish for a doctor, someone who  _knew_  what they were doing and whose hands wouldn't shake sewing Joel up and who wouldn't constantly be on the edge of a nervous breakdown for fear of losing him? Joel made it because he's stubborn as fuck and  _strong_ and would come back to her no matter where he was or what state he was in, but that doesn't mean she doesn't  _worry_.

Joel stares at her for a long time before heaving a sigh and nodding slowly. " _Alright_ ," he yields. "But I'm tellin' you I'm fine." He sits back down beside her and lifts his shirt for Doc to see as the older man comes over to check.

Doc lets out a low whistle. "How on Earth?" he wonders.

Ellie stifles the horrified sound she wants to make. The injury has mostly healed, but it's so easy to remember what it looked like moments after the fall, when there was so much blood she thought she was gonna lose him. Even though it's more of a scar than a wound by now, she's always going to see it and  _remember_.

Joel catches her eye and  _knows._ "'M alright," he says, quiet enough that it's only for her ears. She swallows at the thick, suffocating feeling in her throat and nods. She still has to shift closer, feel the warmth radiating off of him to be  _sure_ , but he doesn't seem to mind at all.

"Dumb bastard fell and impaled himself on a rebar," Tommy says, shaking his head. His tone is joking but there's fear in it, too. It was too fucking close, and they all know it.

Joel glares at him. "While bein' chased by a pack of fuckin' hunters. I didn't do it for fun," he mutters.

"Why am I not surprised?" Doc mutters, mouth quirking up slightly. "Actually, I was confused as to how in  _hell_  you're still alive? Without proper medical care, the infection from this should have killed you."

Ellie grimaces, her stomach twisting tightly. It's one thing for her to have suspected, but to hear it from an actual  _doctor_  is somehow so much worse.  _He could have died, would have died if he wasn't the stubborn bastard he is, thank god, thank god he's okay…_

" _Doc_ ," Joel warns, his voice dangerously low.

For a moment she's not sure why Joel shifted so suddenly, but then Doc's eyes move to her and the realization in his face makes her understand.

"Ah," Doc says quietly. "I'm sorry, I forgot myself for a moment. I can't even imagine…" Joel's glare cuts him off, and Doc clears his throat. "Right. Let's take a look, shall we?" He inspects Joel's injury pretty much the same way he did Ellie's bite, muttering the occasional apology when he hits a sore spot and Joel hisses out a curse. Joel has to endure the full check-up too, despite his grumbling. Doc mutters something about  _internal damage_ and  _outwardly displayed symptoms_ which she thinks is supposed to shut Joel up.

"I have to ask again," Doc says after a stretch of silent concentration, turning his attention back to the scar. " _How?_  This was… incredibly serious, to put it lightly. The location alone…" He shakes his head. "It's a miracle nothing was punctured internally."

Joel snorts. "I'm mighty hard to kill, Doc," he says. "Wasn't all me, though. I had some help." He looks over at Ellie, pride clear in his expression. She ducks her head grinning, face heating at the praise. "A whole lotta help," he corrects. "Wouldn't be here without her."

"You would've made it," Ellie says, and she's surprised by the intensity of her own voice. There's no other option. Joel would have made it because he  _had_ to. Joel can't die, and she doesn't care if it's childish or unrealistic because it's the  _truth_ , the only thing that  _needs_ to be true. No one tries to correct her, and even Doc keeps his professional opinions to himself. Joel's eyes are painfully sad for a moment, but he nods at her anyways and stays silent.

Doc looks between the two of them and shakes his head, mystified. "Well, it's healed remarkably well, all things considered. My only advice would be to try and not burst the stitches –very well done by the way, Ellie- because a second infection may well do you in, hard to kill or not. Clear?"

Joel waves him off. "I've got it under control, Doc."

Doc fixes him with a disbelieving look. "That gives me no confidence in the slightest," Doc deadpans. "But I'm sure Ellie would drag you in by the ear if anything went wrong, so I'm not overly concerned." He ignores Joel's offended huff. "Is that all?" he asks.

Joel nods, getting to his feet. "We're done here." He pulls Ellie up off the cot and hesitates, nodding stiffly at Doc. "Listen, Doc… thanks. For all that, and for not tellin' anyone 'bout Ellie. Woulda been a damned shame to end things like that." Ellie nudges him.  _And?_ she prompts silently, raising an eyebrow at him. Joel huffs. "Alright, alright. And 'm sorry for nearly shootin' you 'fore you could explain."

Doc shrugs. "All in a day's work, Trigger," he says. "Though I'm  _very_ glad it wasn't my last day."

"See you 'round, brother," Tommy says. "For what it's worth, I'm real sorry you had to go through all that. Both of you. Was my fault, not tellin' you when I should've."

"Not just yours," Maria reminds him. She turns to Joel, gratitude clear in her expression. "Thank you for giving us a chance to explain. I know it looked bad, and keeping Ellie safe is your priority, I get that. But I hope you both know now that you can trust us."

Joel looks to Ellie and raises an eyebrow. "What d'you think?" he asks, and she doesn't think he's completely teasing her when he does.

"Yeah, I guess they're alright," Ellie jokes, but there's truth in it, too.

"No harm, no foul, yeah?" Joel nods at the three of them. "C'mon, Ellie. Let's go."

She obeys, raising hand to wave briefly at the little group staying behind. She can breathe easily again; they're safe, they're healthy, and there's no one out to get them just yet. So, she indulges herself in a bit of curiosity. "Hey, Doc isn't your real name, right?" she asks.

Doc looks startled for a moment before laughing and shaking his head. "My given name is Eustace," he informs her. Joel guffaws and Ellie steps on his foot, even though she's biting back a laugh. "It's a family name," Doc says, huffing defensively. "But you can see why I stick with 'Doc'."

"Your parents were cruel people," Joel replies, mouth twitching into a smirk. "Ellie, get a move on, girl." He shoves her playfully and she shoves back, sticking her tongue out as she follows him. "See ya 'round, Eustace." Joel raises a hand in a wave, still chuckling.

Ellie rolls her eyes at him and elbows him in his non-injured side, but she's glad to see his mood has improved.

As they leave, she hears Doc mutter, "They're something, aren't they?"

"You have no idea," Tommy replies. "C'mon. Let's finish stacking these boxes."

"Try not to break any more of my specimens, Thomas," Doc says, and when Joel barks out a quiet laugh Ellie knows she's not the only one listening.

"Something wrong, Dad?" Maria asks. Ellie looks over her shoulder to see Doc staring intently at her and Joel.

"Quite the opposite, I'd say," he replies.

And as she walks out into the sunshine, Joel's hand pulling hers forward, Ellie finds she agrees  _completely._


	5. v

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally titled 'Bad Days and Disney'. Joel's having a terrible day. Naturally, Ellie chooses this day to go and get herself shot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Warnings for implied child abuse, minor descriptions of slight gore/violence, and poor gun safety. This expanded quite a lot, to be honest. I hope you all enjoy.

_Considerin' this day started out shitty_ , Joel muses,  _reckon it stands to reason that the rest of it would be, too._

Really, it was just bad luck, which unfortunately means he doesn't have anyone to blame. It started when the fucking water turbines died again. He knows it was bound to happen sooner or later; this is the first time it's happened since he and Ellie have been in Jackson, and it's a miracle that the twenty-year-old machines hung on  _this_ long.

Apparently, whatever good graces they were working on ran out, meaning that Tommy's team of 'geniuses', and Joel uses that term  _real_  loosely, have to fix it again. And of  _course_  the damn things had to breathe their last at a ridiculously early hour, resulting in one incredibly frazzled little brother coming to pound down his and Ellie's door before either of them had even started to wake up.

_And scared the shit outta us both_. Joel grimaces, still feeling the traces of the pounding headache he got after Tommy barged in. Joel was  _sure_ they were in danger, half-expecting Infected or bandits to stream in after Tommy. When no immediate danger presented itself, he was understandably pissed off at his kid brother. Ellie's face has gone deathly pale when Tommy arrived, and her relief at his assurances had been so strong that Tommy had a  _very_ short window to explain his business before Joel could throw him out on his ass for worrying the girl like that.

Luckily for himself, Tommy talked fast. The electricity was out, he needed to be at the dam fifteen minutes ago, and he wanted Joel to come with him. There used to be a time when Joel wouldn't have given a second thought to telling Tommy to fuck off and let him sleep, but now that he's living under his brother's roof it's difficult not to run the errands Tommy asks for. So Joel agreed, and has spent the last hour and a half wanting to throttle himself for that decision.

It might, he relents, have been a little less awful if Ellie tagged along. A lot less awful, if he's being honest. But Maria had gone and dragged the girl off with her to help organize some things and he  _thinks_ he heard something about keeping the kids out from underfoot, but Tommy was already hustling him away and he couldn't catch everything.  _Whatever it is can't be important enough to drag her to the other side of town_ , he thinks. But he knows Ellie is dogged by the same sense of obligation as him, so he couldn't blame her when she agreed reluctantly and followed.

It reminds Joel way too much of their first little while in Jackson, when they spent most of their time away from each other. It's not the same, and he knows he'll see her soon, but he can't shake that memory while he waits with Tommy and the engineers to do… something. Joel's not even sure what it is he's supposed to be doing, exactly.

Tommy occasionally wanders over and sends him off for some godforsaken errand, but for the most part, he's bored and antsy as fuck. Even though he knows that Maria's a pretty decent shot and won't let anything happen to Ellie, who's not exactly a damsel in distress herself, he still worries. If he had something to  _do,_ maybe that would keep his mind occupied enough to shut it up. He isn't doing any good standing around  _waiting,_  but any attempts to get out of… whatever the hell it is he's doing, are refused. Tommy just mutters something about terrorizing the children before waving him off. As if Joel has any fucking idea what that's supposed to mean.

He's not exactly the only one around –he hadn't realized how many  _people_ worked at the dam until now, all of them out of a job until the gears start turning again- and if he were so inclined, he could try and strike up a conversation with one of the other poor bastards waiting for something to do. That is, if they stop avoiding him like he has  _'Infected'_  tattooed on his forehead in big block letters. And he'd thought the welcome he'd got from the women at the lake had been cold. He isn't interested in endearing himself to these people, usually isn't bothered by them, but today the whole situation strikes him as so childish that he can't shake his irritation.

Joel snorts quietly, shaking his head.  _Just keep your head down and do what you gotta do,_  he tells himself.  _Don't owe these folks nothin'._ Still, it'd be a hell of a relief to turn around and ask them what their collective issue is, maybe get a few good hits in before Tommy calls it off and lectures him into next week. It's a tempting thought, especially if starting shit with these assholes meant getting out of work early and finding Ellie.

But he keeps his mouth shut, if only out of respect for Tommy. He's put his little brother in enough difficult situations since moving to town, and had their roles been reversed he would've thrown Tommy out on his ass  _ages_ ago. He's grateful, of course he is, but he also knows that as good as Tommy is, the man also has  _limits_  that need to be watched carefully.

He's not sure if Tommy would actually throw them out.  _Him_ , maybe, but if Ellie followed he could see Tommy rethinking the decision.  _When_ , he corrects.  _You idiot._ When  _Ellie followed. She'd kick your ass for thinkin' she'd let you go without her._ But Joel's not willing to bet their new, mostly good life on his little brother's good graces.

He must be radiating more tension than he thought, because he  _definitely_ doesn't imagine the way his little brother keeps coming to check up on him. It's not hard to imagine what Tommy must be thinking; the gap between Joel and the other workers is too wide to be anything accidental, and Joel can see the concern on his brother's face whenever Tommy turns away from the engineers.

All in all, it's no different from any other time Joel had to be around people he doesn't know and likes even less. The rash of summer storms isn't helping anyone's mood much, either. Joel has to admit he didn't think that much water existed anywhere. The sky has closed up for now, but the buzz of static in the air means they won't have long to enjoy it.

It's better than a drought, he knows. The rain is good for the crops and good for the dam as long as it doesn't cause a flood, but he'd enjoy it a hell of a lot more from the inside of his house with Ellie beside him, maybe teaching her a few new chords on the guitar. Most nights she wants  _him_  to play, and while he doesn't mind at all it also means that he hasn't had many chances to teach her.

But he's not at home with his girl. He's in  _this_ place, with the dampness slowly doing its damndest to seep into everyone's bones. That, combined with the heat, is making working conditions damn near unbearable. The engineers keep stopping every minute or so to wipe the sweat out of their eyes. Joel takes small comfort in knowing he isn't the only one suffering.

A few of the others waiting give up entirely, walking out into the damp while the rest either get comfortable and start to nod off or entertain themselves with cards and conversation and whatever else they can find to do. It's all very practiced, as if there's some standard procedure for when the lights go out and he missed the memo. Every now and again one of the engineers or their assistants will ask for something to be moved or lifted, and a few of them will rouse. Joel offers his help whenever he can, but none of the jobs last very long and soon enough he's back pacing along the wall or sitting on his ass.

Tommy ambles over after what feels like hours. He greets the rest of the men, laughing and joking and slapping backs left and right. Joel rolls his eyes. Tommy always  _was_  better with people, better with socializing and partying and holding his own in a crowd without being intimidating.

Joel used to scoff at it, but now he admits there's no way Tommy could have made Jackson work  _without_ being the way he is. Sure, people here respect him, but they  _like_ him too,  _trust_ him. Those are rare things to find these days, and Joel would bet it's the main reason why Tommy works with Maria to run things instead of watching his wife run the show. He's  _good_ at it. Joel would never have believed that after years of never quite sticking to anything, Tommy would turn into the responsible leader of one of mankind's last colonies, but he's more than happy to have his little brother prove him wrong in that.

_Usually_ , Joel corrects as he watches his brother making nice _. Sometimes it's just real fuckin' annoyin'._

Tommy doesn't seem at all bothered at the glower Joel can feel etching into his face. "You look fuckin' terrible," his little brother greets him, sitting down beside him.

Joel grunts. "Maybe 'cause my dumbass brother interrupted my beauty sleep," he snarks back.

Tommy chuckles and pats him on the back. "Don't look so blue, brother. We've almost got it. Soon as everythin' is up and runnin' again, you can go save your girl from my wife's evil clutches and take a nap," he jokes, grinning.

Joel looks at him doubtfully. "You've  _almost_  got it?" he asks, fixing the younger man with a look.

Tommy rubs the back of his head, shrinking a little under Joel's gaze. "Well, see, that would depend on your definition of 'almost', brother," he says, wincing. "Another hour, yeah? Just gimme that and then I'll send you on home."

Joel rolls his eyes heavenwards and exhales in exasperation. "Fuckin' fantastic," he growls.

Tommy raises his hands in an apologetic gesture. "Hey, ain't my fault the damned things decided to break. Believe me, I'd rather be home with my wife."

Joel sighs. "Fine. Why're you here, then? Shouldn't you be keepin' them on track?" He nods towards the engineers.

Tommy shrugs. "They're fine. They wanna get home as much as we do. 'Sides, I need a break." Joel makes a disbelieving sound and Tommy shoots him an offended look. "What?"

"You know damn well  _what_ ," Joel counters. "Don't need you checkin' on me. I'm behavin', ain't I?"

For a moment Tommy seems ready to argue, but then he deflates with a shrug. "Just thought you could use some company," he offers.

" _Definitely_ don't need your pity," Joel says. Tommy's face falls a little, and Joel can feel a lecture coming on about  _family_ and  _looking out for each other_ and everything else his little brother's become so keen on. "Any idea what that's about?" Joel asks to change the subject, jerking his head in the direction of the rest of the men.

He's surprised to see Tommy's expression freeze and shift quickly into blankness within a fraction of a second. Joel recognizes the movement too well, and what the  _hell_ is his little brother doing with a tactic Joel's hidden behind for years? Wasn't Tommy the one who'd call him out when he shut down, diverted conversations like that?

"Any idea what what's about?" Tommy asks, and whatever the hell just came over him fades, leaving an innocent look that Joel recognizes well from their younger years.

"That shit don't work on me and you know it," Joel mutters, shaking off the unsettled feeling that sticks to him. He punches Tommy in the shoulder, light enough not to hurt too much, but hard enough to prove a point, earning him a glare and several muttered curses.

A few head turns in their direction, a few alarmed looks are shared. Joel remembers the first time he and Ellie swung around to Jackson, when he and Tommy were already snarling at each other again and his little brother told him there'd be consequences if Joel kept pushing. Even though that's in the past and even though lately, Joel's been  _protected_  by the town's loyalty to Tommy… well. It's all conditional, isn't it?

Tommy shoves him back, but there's no aggression in it. "Watch it, brother. You ain't the only old man 'round, anymore," Tommy jokes, rubbing his arm with an exaggerated grimace. He talks loudly enough for the rest to hear, his mouth curled into a grin that  _they'll_ be able to see, but Joel can see his brother's eyes, see how the playfulness fails to reach them.

_Gotta behave, Miller,_ Joel reminds himself, and forces out something that's close enough to a genuine laugh to serve the same purpose. Their banter seems to do the trick. The eavesdroppers either relax or get bored, turning away from the brothers with renewed disinterest. Joel doesn't think he imagines the brief flashes of disappointment on some of their faces; a decent fight would've helped some with their boredom, he figures. He'd be disgusted by that line of thinking if he hadn't been itching to punch a hole in something just a handful of minutes earlier.

When Joel is sure no one's eyes are on them, he turns back to Tommy and raises an eyebrow. "Well?" he prods. "Ain't got all day, little brother."

"Stubborn bastard," Tommy mutters, more tired than actually annoyed. "You make folks nervous, is all. Can't blame 'em, really. If you haven't noticed, you're pretty damn scary when you've got a mind to be," Tommy says, shrugging when Joel fixes him with a warning look. "What? It's true. God knows Ellie's the only one who can calm you down when you've gone full-out psycho."

"I don't go 'full-out psycho'," Joel mutters. "I do what I gotta do, that's all."

Tommy gives him a look of disbelief. "You're kiddin', right? Tell me you're kiddin'." Joel stares blankly at him. "Oh, for fuck's sakes. Joel, I don't have enough fingers to count the times you've nearly shot someone in town. This week."

Joel snorts. "You're exaggeratin' some, don't you think?" Tommy isn't  _wrong_ , exactly, but it's not like Joel goes looking for trouble.

Since his first weeks in Jackson, when he kept a low profile out of fear of being cut off from Ellie for good, Joel's been curbing the urge to hit something –or  _someone_ \- whenever he's pissed. He tries his best to stick to glares and a few threats every once in a while, and only when someone makes a goddamn  _valiant_ effort at being an asshole.

The whispers and the strange looks still irk him something fierce, but he finds it a little easier to set his jaw and ignore them. Getting upset only makes Ellie upset, and there's a limit to how many times he can watch her face fall when he tells her  _why_. She's  _good_ , she doesn't deserve any of it, and knowing that she'd be less of a target with him out of the picture smarts like hell.

If Ellie had any idea he was blaming himself, he knows she'd tell him off six ways to Sunday. But he can't exactly ignore how most of the rumors are about  _him;_ about why he came to Jackson in the first place, why he wasn't with his brother earlier, and why the  _hell_ he keeps company with a little girl definitely not his kin. He's heard then whisper ' _hunter'_  when they think he can't hear, and some other less-true words that make him sick, that he can't blame folks for saying but would send Ellie into a screaming fit if she heard them directed at him.

He's tried a few times to tell her it doesn't matter, he doesn't care, the only opinion he gives a shit about is  _hers_ and a lot of the stuff they say about him isn't far from the truth, anyways. But she's loyal to a fault, his girl, so he keeps an eye on her when they're out just in case. And no matter what he says on the matter, she turns the tables right back on him;  _"I'll stop when you do,"_ knowing damn well that he can't.

"I'm fuckin' serious," Tommy mutters. "If you weren't my brother I'd have kicked you out for disturbin' the peace ages ago."

Not too long ago Joel was terrified of exactly that, but even now, disgruntled as Tommy is, he knows his little brother isn't seriously considering booting him out. Maybe it's brotherly loyalty or maybe Tommy needs more people he can trust around him, but either way Joel's beginning to realize the lengths he'd have to go for Tommy to lose his patience completely.

"That and the fact that I haven't actually shot anyone," Joel reminds him.

Tommy makes a disbelieving noise. "If Ellie wasn't there to give you a good kick in the ass when you lost it, we'd have a higher body count than the fuckin'  _Cordyceps_  on our hands." The younger man shakes his head. "Point bein', everyone's fuckin' terrified of you. And Ellie, for that matter."

Joel's head snaps up at that. "The hell are you sayin'?" he asks, nearly too surprised to be angry at what Tommy is implying.

This is the first he's heard of anyone being  _afraid_ of the girl. The townsfolk seem to have enough self-preservation left to mostly leave her alone, but when they do bother her it's always Joel who pushes back, never Ellie. Hell, the incidents Tommy just griped about were mostly that; some jackass would side-eye them on the street or mutter some garbage about her that's as fucking far from the truth as anything could be, and Joel would have to react.

"Ellie's never hurt nobody in town," Joel says, voice dropping near into a growl.

Tommy shrugs. "But she could. Girl has a higher body count than most of the men here put together. Not to mention that if anyone so much as looks at her wrong, they've got your damn revolver right between the eyes." He hesitates, and when he speaks again his voice is quiet. "People are gettin'  _concerned,_  Joel, and I don't know..."

Joel's expression hardens. "Concerned, how?" he asks, his voice lowering to match his brother's. Tommy plays with the cuffs of his shirt, and dammit, Joel knows that tick, knows that whatever his little brother has to say isn't anything good. He needs to  _know_ , dammit. He thought the reactions he and Ellie experienced were the worst of it, just a bad reaction to strangers, but if there's something  _else_ … "Do I need to grab Ellie and run, brother?" he asks urgently. His younger brother grimaces, shaking his head quickly. "Tommy," Joel urges when it's clear he isn't going to get more of an answer.

"Tommy, get over here! We think we've got it this time!" one of the engineers shouts over.

Tommy makes a sound worryingly close to a sigh of relief. "That's what you said last time. And the last ten times before that!" Tommy shouts back, voice playful. The undertone is shaky, though. Nervous. Joel wonders if he's the only one who hears it.

"Twelfth time's the charm!" the other guy replies, too fucking cheerful for Joel's liking.

"This conversation ain't over, brother," Joel mutters as Tommy gets to his feet.

Tommy looks at him for a moment. "No, I reckon it ain't." That part's so quiet, Joel's not even sure he was supposed to hear it. Tommy clears his throat. "Go on over to Doc's and see if he needs help with anythin'. You ain't doin' much here, anyways," he says.

Joel's not exactly happy with being interrupted or at being sent off like an irritating child, but he makes a sound of agreement and gets up. Grabbing Tommy by the collar and shaking him until he gives a straight answer won't do any good, no matter how much Joel wants to.

"See you 'round, brother," Tommy says, clapping him on the shoulder. "Maria's gonna come by here when they've finished up, so I'll have her send Ellie over to you, alright?"

Joel nods, wondering if he couldn't just go and get the girl  _now_. He'll be worried until Tommy spits out whatever it is he has to say, and he'd rather have Ellie close by until it's all sorted out.

"We'll, uh, talk later, alright?" Tommy mutters, and Joel would feel a whole lot better if his brother didn't sound like he'd rather eat broken glass.

The walk to Doc's is even shorter than usual, considering the old man's stomping ground is made from a sectioned-off corner of the same factory that houses the turbines. Tommy's words haunt him and he briefly considers asking the old man about it; he might just be able to convince Doc to let him into the loop.

Joel walks in without knocking, a habit he'd started in the first place for the pure annoyance on Doc's face whenever he did. The area is as freakish as ever, jarred specimens of things Joel doesn't even want to think about arranged on shelves like they're fucking centerpieces. The only difference today is the smell. Doc's usually smells of antiseptic and formaldehyde. Today, Joel's slapped with the overpowering scent of… incense?

"What the fuck?" he mutters to himself. "Hey, Doc! You in here?" When no one responds, Joel heads to the back of the clinic, sure the town doctor is either working on someone or behind the dividing curtain searching for something. As he approaches the first few cots, Joel hears the soft murmur of voices from behind the curtain.

"Oh, child…" He recognizes Doc's voice, regretful and sad.

"It's not that bad, Doc. I've had worse." Joel doesn't know this voice; young and female, but that's all he can tell. There's an undercurrent of gallows humor to her voice that doesn't sit well with him at all.

Joel ducks through the gap in the curtain, moving quietly so he doesn't disturb them. He straightens up and stops dead at what he sees. Doc is fussing over a young girl lying down on a cot. A stick of something, Joel would assume the incense, is burning beside her. While that's all normal enough, as his eyes rest on the girl –she can't be far from Ellie's age,  _Jesus Christ_ \- he can see the bruises all up her arm, dark enough that her skin is barely visible around them.

"Imogene," the old man begins, shaking Joel out of his thoughts. Doc's voice shakes with anger, and that's already enough to shock him. Joel hasn't known the man as long as Tommy has, but he's never seen him lose his temper. "It's really quite important that you tell me-"

"I fell, Doc. Out by the lake. There were some rocks and I slipped and I fell, okay? It's nothing serious," she says.

Joel frowns, a heavy feeling, a sort of dread, twisting in his gut as he looks at the girl. Maybe it's because Ellie was on one of those cots not too long ago, small and scared, or maybe he's still not jaded enough to feel nothing when he looks at a child who's hurting.

They were common enough back in Boston, street kids of all ages, most roughed up and dead-eyed, and it ate at him even when he tried not to let it, but that was  _there._  No one had a chance in the Quarantine Zone, especially the little ones. But here in Jackson, where people try to remember how to be decent, how to be  _human_ , he can't make sense of this kid and her fucked-up arm. Not for one goddamn minute does he really believe she fell.

He shifts awkwardly, not entirely sure if he should make his presence known or not. Doc's gaze flickers briefly to him, and the older man inclines his head slightly in a nod of silent acknowledgement. Joel leans up against the wall and waits. He gets the message clear enough;  _stay there_.

Doc turns back to his patient and makes a frustrated noise. "Is the incense working, at least?" he asks the girl, and it seems like he's resigned himself to her story.

She nods, smiling gratefully. "I feel much calmer, thank you."

Joel wrinkles his nose, not sure how this goddamn smell is supposed to calm anyone. She doesn't look it, either. Her back is stiff, straight like she's got strings pulling at her from the ceiling, hands folded in her lap but fidgeting like she doesn't know where to put them.

She reaches down carefully to fix the hem of her dress and for a moment Joel feels a bit like he just tripped into Before. The thing is practical-looking and well-worn, but it's still a  _dress_  and if Ellie were here he can only imagine the face she'd be making. It makes him smile, just a little, but he swallows it down at the strange look Doc sends his way.

"Good, good," Doc says. "I'm glad. I'm afraid there's not much to be done for the bruising. I can give you something to take home, if you're in much pain?" He doesn't sound too hopeful, and sighs as the girl shakes her head.

"Momma would just throw it out. You know she doesn't trust any of your herbs. The Lord cures all ailments, Doc." Her smile is shy, a little embarrassed, but there's a dry sort of amusement to her tone that makes Doc return the smile for just a moment before concern floods his expression again.

The girl tenses up, and for a moment Joel thinks he's been caught out, but her eyes are trained on the opposite side of the room.

"There you are, sis. Momma's throwing a tantrum fit to raise Jesus." The voice is irritatingly familiar, even if Joel's only heard it once.

He follows the sound and grits his teeth at the source; the boys from the lake. They've never done him any harm, it's true, and it's not their fault their mother is the way she is, but they're young and arrogant and he hasn't got the slightest good feeling about either of them. And the way the girl –their  _sister,_ god help her- reacted isn't doing much for his opinions, either. Joel thinks of their eyes lingering on Ellie at the lake, thinks of the blonde girl's bruises, and feels sick.

The girl smiles again, but the humor is gone from her face. She seems to wind up tighter, and she quickly jerks her sleeve down. "I'm coming, Joshua. I was just…" she trails off.

"Helping me organize some of my specimens," Doc lies smoothly. "Old eyes, you see. I needed some help reading the labels, so I asked Imogene when she passed my door. I apologize if I kept her too long." He definitely doesn't  _sound_ sorry. Joel can't see his expression from here, but it must be something because the boys don't come any closer.

"Smells like the devil in here," the second boy says, wrinkling his nose. "What sorta voodoo you been up to, Doc?" His tone is almost teasing, but his expression is wary and a bit disgusted as he looks from Doc's jars to the burning incense.

"Nothing of your concern, Zachariah," Doc says, extinguishing the incense hastily, and if Joel didn't know better he'd say the old man nearly growled.

"I should go," the girl –Imogene- says, hopping off the cot and quickly fixing herself up. She's not quite as small as she looked on the cot; taller than Ellie, but her face is rounder, younger. She pulls her fair hair up into a bun and shoots Doc a quick, thankful smile before moving towards the boys.

Joel can't tell the boys apart like their sister can, but the one she called Joshua looks over to where Joel's standing. "You're Joel, right?" the boy asks, with a grin that's just  _asking_ to lose a few teeth.

Joel inclines his head in the affirmative, purposely keeps his eyes off the sister who's gone pale at the sight of him, probably realizing he heard everything she told Doc.

"You might wanna stick around. That girl of yours went and got herself shot," the boy says, his grin fading as he nods towards the door. He seems concerned as he says it, but there's a sharp sort of expectance in his eyes as he watches Joel for a reaction.

Joel freezes, eyes widening as every part of his brain begins screaming at once. He vaguely hears Doc firing questions at the boys, but all he can hear is a dull roar in his ears as his stomach drops to his feet. This can't be right, she was supposed to be  _safe_ , Tommy said she would be safe  _what the hell happened?_

"If I were you, I'd keep her on a tighter leash," the boy advises. Even though there's no real malice too it, it registers as a threat and before Joel knows it, he's stepping forward to do… he doesn't even know what. Beating the boy into the ground won't help Ellie.  _Oh god, Ellie…_

The boys' eyes widen as Joel approaches and the girl shoots him a concerned look that barely registers as her brothers back away and quickly pull her out of the clinic. All he can think of is Ellie, he has to get to her,  _where is she_  and he's already staggering towards the doors because if that little bastard wasn't playing a joke… if it's  _true_ , he can't-

"Good for nothing little shits," Doc hisses, his usual composure gone once they've left. He turns to Joel, probably gearing up to calm him down, when the door busts open again.

"Fuck, Maria, I told you-  _fuck_. I'm fine. Seriously. Fuck," Ellie's voice echoes in the otherwise quiet room and Joel wasn't even aware he was moving but now he's right in front of her and-  _fuck_. Her head is bleeding, and he wants to scream, break down or break something and fuck he _never_  should have let her go off alone what kind of man is he  _oh god_ …

"Easy, Joel," Maria says, unbothered by the swearing, bleeding girl she's half-carrying. "It's not that bad." How the fuck can she be so calm?  _Not that bad?_ Ellie got shot in the fucking  _head_ -

"Joel," Ellie snaps. He blinks back the panic clouding his vision and looks at her. "I'm fine, dumbass. And it's not my head, either." She rolls her eyes, as if she's read his mind, and then promptly winces. She hops awkwardly, and his gaze lowers to her leg. The lower left leg of her jeans is soaked through with blood.

His gaze darts back up to her head, and now that he's thinking straight he can see the shallow, trickling cut going across her forehead.  _Not shot, not shot, she's alive_ ; he repeats the words until they sound like truth. Relief swamps him for a half-second before he registers that she's still  _bleeding_ , still  _hurt_ even if it's not immediately fatal.

"Give her to me." His voice comes out hoarse, and his skin is crawling like he's going to explode. Maria doesn't hesitate, handing Ellie over to him.

"For fuck's sakes, Joel! Ow,  _fuck_! Watch the leg, dumbass!" she tells him as he gathers her up, arms shaking and vise-tight around her body. "Is this necessary? I don't feel like this is necessary."

He ignores her protests and fairly runs back over to Doc, depositing her on the nearest cot as gently as he can. He lowers his head to hers for one moment, breathes in the scent of her and tries to unknot his gut. There's rust and iron along with the usual scent of her hair and he  _swears_ he's never letting her leave the house again, never letting her leave his  _sight_.

"Who?" Joel growls as soon as she's safely positioned, and he refuses to budge an inch even as Doc fusses over her.

Ellie rolls her eyes. "I'm fine, thanks for asking," she snarks, face contorting briefly with pain as Doc's hands find a sore spot. Joel growls dangerously at the older man, but Doc shushes him sharply and continues his examination.

Ellie's face softens when her eyes meet his, and he wants to look away because he's still shaking and he can't stop touching her and he doesn't want her to see him like this. "Joel…" Her hand comes up to touch his cheek, then tugs at his hair fondly.

"Who?" he growls out again, sure she's trying to distract him from doing what needs to be done because she doesn't want him hurting anyone, wants to  _protect_ whoever...  _Fuck that_ , he thinks.  _Whoever did this was a dead man walkin' the second they pulled the trigger_. "Fuckin'  _tell me,_ girl. Before I go out and start shootin' everyone within range."

He's not exactly seeing straight, and maybe Tommy's right, maybe he does go full-out psycho, he doesn't give a fuck. The edges of his vision are red and his hand is itching for his gun and _hell_  if someone isn't going to die for this. He hears Maria say something, probably an attempt at calming him, he doesn't care, she'll be lucky if he doesn't shoot her too for letting this happen, what the  _hell_ was she thinking-

"Some kids were shooting at cans in the schoolyard. One of them got a hold of their dad's gun, or something. They had shitty aim, that's all it was. A complete, total accident. I fell and hit my head. Half of them started crying when they saw blood. No one's out to get me. Idiot. Now give me your fucking hand. I need something to squeeze." Ellie's tone softens the words, more affectionate than anything else. She holds out her hand, and he takes it without question. Whatever she needs, of course he'll do it.

"You sure that's what happened? You ain't tryin' to save some fucker's skin?" he asks.

"I'm sure," she says. "Just a bunch of stupid kids." She squeezes his hand reassuringly and shame chokes him for a moment because  _she's_ the one in pain,  _she's_ the one who needs comfort, and here he is falling apart like a child.

"You'd tell me if someone hurt you." He holds her gaze until she nods.

"I would tell you," she agrees. "But this was nobody's fault."

He scoffs. "I've got half a mind to go down there and shake some sense into those brats. Their parents, too. Who the hell leaves a loaded gun where a kid can reach it?" He shakes his head with disgust.

Ellie makes a sharp little noise of protest. "You  _can't_. People already don't trust us; you'll just make it worse by scaring their kids. They didn't mean it, I swear to god." When he tries to protest, her grip on his hand tightens again and her expression turns pleading. "Please," she whispers. "Joel, they were so scared. They're just little kids, just forget it,  _please_."

He takes her in, all pale and hurt with her bangs matted bloody in places, and he gives in. He nods his agreement, feels her relax as he does.

"Only you could manage to get yourself hurt on a playground, Ellie," Maria says as she moves to the other side of Ellie's cot, smiling fondly at the girl. Just like that, fury rushes up to choke him again. Ellie got hurt on  _her_ watch. She doesn't get to talk like that, like she's  _family,_  when-

"Be nice," Ellie mutters, squeezing his hand. "It's not her fault, either." Joel grumbles under his breath and glares at Maria despite Ellie's request.

His sister-in-law winces and shoots him an apologetic look. "It's usually the safest place in town," she says. "The kids always gather there when the turbines stop. I wanted to make sure everything was handled, and I needed help. Nothing like this ever happens, I swear I wouldn't have brought her if…" Maria trails off, shoulders sagging. "It doesn't matter. Ellie was my responsibility, I should've been more careful. I talked to the kids, and I'll be having a talk with their parents as soon as we're done here."

"I'm right here," Ellie mutters. "And I can look after myself." Joel looks pointedly at her, taking stock of all her injuries. She flushes slightly. "Most of the time," she corrects.

_She should've been with me_ , Joel thinks.  _She ain't safe unless she's with me._ Maria's face is still deeply upset when he looks back at her, and he scoffs. If she's expecting any comfort from him, she's got another thing coming.

"Your girl said down, Trigger," Doc reminds him, sending him a chiding look over the rims of his glasses. Joel reminds himself that smacking the old man would prevent him from helping Ellie, and restrains himself.

"Yeah,  _Trigger_. Don't aggravate the wounded, you jerk," Ellie says playfully, but her eyes are tight with pain and he knows it's all for his benefit. Joel gives her a warning look, but it lacks any real heat. She just grins and squeezes his hand again.

"What's the damage, Dad?" Maria asks. The old man has already managed to cut away the bloodied material from Ellie's leg. Joel moves to get a better look at the injury but Ellie's hand tugs him back, anchoring him to the spot. His stomach turns at the mess of blood and torn skin that he  _can_ see, and he swears he's going to hunt down the fucker who owned that gun and beat him bloody.

"Don't look," Ellie says, her voice a little hoarse as Doc prods at the damaged skin. "I'm okay, just look at me." She pulls Joel closer when he doesn't look away. "Joel,  _look_ at me." He finally obeys and she gives him a half-smile that only shakes a little. "I'm good, old man. Don't sweat it." He nods, doing his best to lose the worry that he's sure covers his face.

Doc clears his throat softly, catching their attention. "A small fragment of the bullet is still lodged in the wound, but it'll be simple enough to remove," he explains. "It was quite a clean shot, considering the circumstances. Then again, it doesn't seem like a particularly powerful weapon was the culprit. Something with more punch could have shattered your leg."

Joel all but crushes Ellie's hand in his. She grimaces. "At least they hide the heavy-duty stuff from the kids, huh?" she jokes. Joel forces a weak smile, but all he can imagine is Ellie screaming and clutching at her ruined leg. He's seen it enough times – _caused_ it enough times- to make the picture in his head all too real. He shudders.

Doc huffs a quiet laugh. "Indeed. All that aside, this should heal right up once the fragment is out. Stitches will be required, though." Doc moves away from Ellie's leg for a moment, looking at her head wound. "Head should be fine, as well. Cut isn't deep, skull doesn't appear to be so much as cracked, won't even need stiches. Do you feel dizzy, Ellie? Any urges to vomit?" Ellie shakes her head. "Hm. Excellent. I doubt a concussion will result, but overnight monitoring will be necessary, of course, just to be on the safe side."

Ellie groans. Joel tenses, believing it to be a sound born from pain. "You mean I don't even get to go home and sleep in my own bed? That fucking sucks," she complains. Despite the situation, Joel's heart warms slightly at the sound of her calling somewhere  _home_. Especially somewhere with him.

"I'll stay with you," he promises, squeezing her hand.

She looks like she's about to argue, but he levels her with a stern look and she sighs. "Fine. Doc?" she asks.

The old man snorts. "I doubt I could remove him from your side even by surgical means," he mutters. Doc picks through the kit he's brought up onto the bed and sighs. "I do wish the electricity would come back on."

"Do you need it? To fix her up?" Joel asks, and he's pretty damn sure that he'll go and hand crank those fucking turbines until they run if the old man says yes.

"No, no. This is a fairly simple procedure. There's enough natural light," Doc assures him, a knowing smile flickering across the old man's face. "Now, I have some morphine in the back-"

Joel hears Ellie's breath catch in her throat. "No drugs," she says, her voice high but firm.

Doc blinks at her, confused. "Ellie, this will hurt. It needs stitches. I highly suggest some form of anesthetic, and I don't have anything to simply numb the area," he says worriedly, looking at Joel for help.

"The last time I was on morphine I almost didn't wake up. I'd rather not," she mutters. Joel flinches, and a tense silence falls over the room. "I can take it," she says more loudly, looking at Joel as she speaks. He grits his teeth, but doesn't try to convince her.

"If you're sure…" Doc says, clearly unhappy.

Joel doesn't focus on the process after that. He just looks at Ellie's face, tries to gouge if he needs to call Doc off. She tells him dumb jokes, trying to make him feel better, and isn't that the most fucking backwards thing in the world? She doesn't scream when Doc disinfects the area or when he removes the bullet, but she bites her bottom lip hard enough that her teeth come away bloody.

Doc works as quickly as he can but it's not  _enough_  and when Joel isn't soothing Ellie, he's glaring holes into Doc's head and willing the man to go faster. Ellie is shaking by the time the fragment is out and she looks green when Doc sets his bloody tweezers down.

"Honey, you can cry if you need to. You don't have to be quiet," Maria tells her, laying a gentle hand on her shoulder.

Joel nods his agreement as Ellie turns to look at him, and for a moment her eyes glass over. He steels himself for her tears, her pain, bracing for the freight-train impact it will set off in his chest. Her eyes don't leave his, and he sees the worry in them for a moment before she sets her jaw determinedly. She swallows heavily and shakes her head. "I'm fine," she whispers, and he feels her force her hand to be steady as he holds it. "Sew me up, Doc."

Doc looks up guiltily, his latex gloves stained red. "Ellie, please take the morphine," he pleads. She shakes her head and he sighs. "Look at Joel, child," Doc says softly. "You don't need to watch this."

She doesn't scream, not when the needle goes in the first time and not when Doc tugs the thread through, but Joel's pretty sure he'll have cuts from her nails engrained on his hand for the rest of his life. He doesn't mind all that much. The small, pained sounds she makes hurt him a lot more. He keeps telling her how brave she is, how well she's doing. He's not sure whose benefit he's talking for, his or hers. The lights flicker back on about halfway through. Joel doesn't even notice until Doc comments on it. He doubts Ellie does, either; she doesn't take her eyes off of him the entire time.

Once it's over, Ellie's blood cleaned away carefully, and Doc has assured Joel several times –"Trigger, I swear on Darwin's Theory of Evolution I will stab you with my scalpel if you ask me that one more time"- that there is little to no chance of infection, and yes, they have antibiotics just in case, and yes, the head wound will heal better left uncovered, Joel allows himself to relax.

It only occurs to him that Maria left the room when she reappears with Tommy in tow. His brother is wheeling something into the room, and Joel has to grin when he realizes what it is.

"No fucking way," Ellie breathes, and the pain leaves her face so quickly that Joel could kiss Tommy for doing this for her. "Is that a TV?"

Tommy grins, nodding. "Yup. Electricity's back on –turned out fourteenth time was the charm- and Maria came and told me about your little adventure, so I figured you should at least get some entertainment if Doc is holding you prisoner for the night." He offers Joel a small smile that Joel returns.

Doc snorts. "This is rather unorthodox," he muses, but his mouth tugs up in amusement.

"Unorthodox is your middle name, Dad," Maria teases.

Doc tilts his head in her direction, conceding the point. "I can't argue with that logic," he admits, and tosses his hands up as he catches Ellie's pleading look. "Why not? I already have a questionably stable ex-smuggler staying the night." The old man stifles a grin at Joel's scoff. "Protocol went out the window ages ago, didn't it? Bring on the flicks!" he chuckles.

Maria hefts a large bag onto the cot beside Ellie's. Joel doesn't miss the wary look she sends him. He's not ashamed of his earlier outburst, but his anger has cooled some and he finds that he means it when he nods gratefully at his sister-in-law. She relaxes, returns the movement and turns to Ellie with a grin. "Want help choosing one?" she asks.

"Fuck yeah!" Ellie says, eyes sparkling with delight. She turns her head to Joel, eyes hopeful. "You'll watch it with me, right Joel?"

He sighs, though there's more exasperation in the sound than he really feels, fully aware he's probably resigning himself to two hours of horrible acting and possibly singing by people who have been dead for years. "'Course I will," he says, wondering why she still thinks she has to ask. She makes a happy little sound that makes his heart clench and goes back to rifling through the VHS's with Maria.

"Joel?" Tommy says quietly. He turns his head at his younger brother's call. "Remember when I say we'd talk?" Joel nods wearily.

Ellie watches him worriedly and he mutters a promise to tell her later. She nods, smiles a little when he tugs playfully at her hair. The worry is still there, but there's trust too, and that seems to overwhelm the rest. He feels more than a little guilty about having this conversation without her, but he needs her to heal, to rest, and he'd be lying if he said he wanted to give her even more to worry about. Maybe it's not his call, but he'll take the heat for it later if he has to.

Joel checks one last time to make sure Ellie's alright –"Call me over if you need me." "Same goes for you, old man."- before he follows his brother to a quiet corner. Doc tags along, and really, Joel shouldn't be surprised that the old man is in on it.

"Lay it on me, brother. What've I done now?" he asks, and it's difficult as hell to keep the bitterness out of his tone.

Tommy snorts. "That's a loaded question." His face becomes serious. "You gotta realize you don't exactly have the most… er, orthodox, if you wanna use Doc's word, of setups," he begins.

Joel raises an eyebrow, daring his brother to repeat the trash that's been muttered around Jackson practically since he and Ellie came through the gate.

Tommy isn't an idiot, knows he's walking a thin line. He's cautious when he speaks again. "Think about it, Joel. You and Ellie come up outta nowhere, kick some serious bandit ass, and blow outta here faster than you came in. People were curious. And then the second time 'round, well. You start livin' here, you don't bother anyone, but you don't talk to anyone. Which would be fine enough, if it was just you. Grumpy old hermit needin' his space. But then there's Ellie-"

Joel cuts him off with a sound that's just a bit too close to a growl, glaring down his little brother before he can say another word. "I already told you, she ain't ever done nobody harm. She's been killin' herself tryin' to pull her weight 'round here. Tryin' to prove herself. And if you think I'm gonna stand here while you-"

"And then there's Ellie," Tommy continues as if he wasn't interrupted, "who's a better shot than anyone here 'sides you. Ain't normal, is it? Little girl who doesn't talk to anyone except for some ornery old man and sometimes his family, who's probably killed more people and Infected than anyone here. And all that before she's even fuckin' of age." He holds up a hand as Joel starts to argue. "Ain't sayin' it's her fault, brother. Or yours. But people don't get it, Joel. And people are afraid of what they don't get," Tommy explains.

"Not to mention that you're not exactly among the most well-balanced of Jackson's population, Trigger," Doc offers. "Aside from the obvious PTSD and borderline –putting it mildly- obsession with keeping that girl safe from all harms of the world, there's also the very obvious lack of a moral compass. Which you don't really need, because Ellie works just fine in that regard. But in my experience, people don't like their fate being decided by a teenager, especially one with a one-man army for a protector. It tends to make people… what's the word…" Doc trails off.

"Edgy," Tommy says. "Edgy as fuck." Doc nods his agreement.

"And?" Joel asks, eyeing them both warily. He knows this already, knows him and Ellie don't fit right with anyone but each other. "What d'you want me to do about it?"  _What ain't you tellin' me, little brother?_

Tommy sighs, concern clear in every line of his face. "We want you to be careful, Joel. You're my brother and I'll protect you and that girl of yours to the extent of my ability and then some, but I ain't God. I can only do so much. And I don't like what I'm hearin' 'round here," he confesses.

Joel narrows his eyes, not at his brother but at the words he's speaking. "We can take care of ourselves, Tommy." Isn't that what they've been doing? EllieandJoel against the world. It's always been that way. This isn't any different. If he can't protect Ellie from a bunch of gossips and cowards, then what the hell is the point of him?

"I know that, brother. But…" Tommy trails off and looks to Doc for help.

"These aren't Infected, Joel. These are very human, very fallible people. They're a whole different animal," Doc says gently. "You can't shoot them for  _possibly_ being dangerous."  _That's a matter of opinion,_ Joel thinks.

"It's still just talk, ain't gone further than that," Tommy assures, eyeing Joel as if he can tell what he's thinking. "I'd tell you if it got too out of hand, you know that. But I reckon you scare 'em real good, and they ain't used to that anymore. Only a few had the balls to ask me to my face 'bout you. Most go to Maria; reckon they don't expect me to give it to them straight, what with you bein' blood and all." Tommy's face shifts for a moment, turns into something as close to a snarl as Joel's ever seen on his brother's face. "Sneaky bastards got the same answer either way. Told 'em you did your best out there, you survived, and you came here to make a better life, same as anybody."

It's difficult as hell for Joel to keep the surprise off of his face, considering there was a time when Tommy was the last person Joel would've expected to defend his past. "Let 'em talk, so long as they don't do more than that. I don't mind takin' the heat," Joel says, noting that there's a little too much family resemblance in the way Tommy is holding himself, the way he has to visibly shake himself out of the hostility that's gotten a hold on him. "Ain't like I don't deserve some of it." Tommy opens his mouth to protest, but Joel waves him off. "Don't get in the middle of this on my account."

Tommy snorts derisively. "I already  _am_  in the middle of this, 'bout as much as I can get. So don't you start with that bullshit."

When Joel starts to argue, Doc clears his throat to get the younger man's attention. "Think of Ellie," he says. "Whatever people think of you comes back around to reflect on her. Even if it is just 'talk', it could make things unnecessarily difficult for her."

Joel goes silent and turns slightly to look back at Ellie, reading the back of a VHS to Maria and sneaking looks in his direction every few seconds or so. Louvenia's son's words suddenly echoing in his head;  _If I were you, I'd keep her on a tighter leash…_ "I'll protect her," he mutters. Doc's expression saddens slightly, but he nods and says nothing more.

"I have to get back," Tommy says, sighing heavily. "Just… think on what I said, alright? Maybe go visit the old witch more often, or come over to my place. Hell, help Doc with his crazy science for all I care. Just… keep outta sight, if you can. I know it's hard for you, but try to let it go, the next time someone starts talkin' shit. Let me or Maria know, and we'll deal with it."

The idea of hiding behind others grates at Joel something awful, but if it's a question of his pride or Ellie's safety, there's no question of what wins out. Joel nods. "Thanks for the warnin'," he says, and means it more than he can say. Tommy sticks his neck out way more than he should, when he comes to his older brother. If it were just him, just Joel and no one else, he'd put a stop to it. But there's  _Ellie_ , with all her goodness and the hurt she carries, and he's willing to risk his life, his brother's, the whole damn  _world_ to give her what she deserves. He's a bad man, a bad brother, but whatever he is to Ellie, at the very least he can be good at  _that_.

Tommy nods. "We'll talk more later, if we gotta," he promises, a worried expression crossing his face before he turns to leave.

"Thomas," Doc calls. Tommy stops and turns back around. "Come find me later. We have to discuss… what we talked about this morning."

Tommy's eyes cloud over with something too much like rage. "Again?" he fairly growls. Joel wonders if it has anything to do with the girl that was in here earlier, but he stays out of it.

Doc nods. "Again." His voice is solemn. Tommy exhales angrily. He thanks Doc and hurries back the way he came. Doc shakes his head at the questioning look Joel sends him. "Nothing for you to worry about, Trigger. You have enough to deal with as is." Joel almost argues with him, but the drawn expression on Doc's face stops him short.  _Later_ , he thinks.

"Hey, Joel! Doc! Come on! You're gonna miss the beginning!" Ellie shouts at them, breaking the tension immediately.

"Wouldn't want that, now would we?" Doc says, raising his eyebrows at Joel.

He snorts. "Guess not." With that, they make their way over.

Ellie's practically bouncing in her seat, and Joel feels some of his worry leave him at the way she lights up when she sees him coming.

Maria nods at them and pushes herself to her feet. "I should go," she says. "See what trouble my husband's getting into." Ellie starts to protest, and Maria laughs. "Seriously, Ellie. Enjoy yourself. God knows you haven't shut up about seeing Joel since you left him."

Ellie snorts, red-faced. "Why do you think I got shot? It was all part of the plan to get out early," she says. Joel levels her with a disapproving look. "What?" she asks innocently, biting back a grin as he rolls his eyes. "Too soon?"

Maria chuckles. "You guys have fun." She rests a hand on Ellie's shoulder, concern briefly flickering across her face. "Take it easy, okay? Don't worry about running any errands; you're both off the hook for as long as you need. You just rest, heal up."

"I'm  _okay_ , Maria," Ellie says exasperatedly. "And you don't have to go. Joel's not gonna bite your head off again; he was just worried about me, and now I'm fine." She looks over at him expectantly. "You're not mad, right?"

"I'm fine," Joel assures her. It's not the whole truth, but it's enough. There are people in this place more deserving of his anger than his sister-in-law, regardless of what happened today. Despite what people might think, he only has so much energy to burn on staying pissed, and it's hard to keep fueling that fire when Ellie is trying so hard to make nice.  _We're the only family she's got,_  he reminds himself.  _Gotta stop fightin' in front of her._  "Stay if you wanna, don't if you don't," he tells Maria, shrugging tiredly. "Ain't gonna bother me either way."

Something very near gratitude flashes across Maria's face, but she shakes her head. "I gotta head out. Tommy's probably already at the dam, and he'll need help getting everybody over there in order now that the lights are on." Her mouth pulls up into a teasing smile. "Some of us have towns to run, you know. We can't all sit on our asses watching movies in bed."

"Thanks for that," Joel says, nodding towards the television. "Tell Tommy, too."

"Don't worry about it," Maria says. "I'll see you guys later, alright?" She pats Ellie's head one last time, makes her promise to rest. She kisses Doc on the cheek and heads for the door, her radio already in her hand as she starts ordering some poor bastard –probably his brother, almost definitely- to meet her at the front of the plant.

A comfortable silence falls over the clinic, and the exhaustion that's been dogging Joel all day sinks its teeth right into him. "Shove over," he grunts to Ellie, nudging her shoulder. "Mind your leg." She snorts, but makes room anyways. He lies down on the cot, Ellie squirming around until she's lying down on top of him, her back to his chest. He lets his head hit the mattress and groans with relief. Ellie makes a noise of agreement.

Doc simply sits down on the next cot over, shaking his head at their antics. "Is that really necessary?" he asks, amused.

Ellie snorts. "Trust me. He'd just wander over every five minutes or less to ask me if I'm okay. This is a lot more convenient for everybody."

"What're we watchin'?" Joel asks, pointedly ignoring her –very correct- observation. His eyes are already heavy, and with Ellie warm and safe in his arms, he can't think of a reason  _not_  to close them. Damn, he needs some sleep.

" _The Lion King_. Maria says it's awesome. Now shut up and take a nap. I'm tired of your grumpy ass," Ellie says. He mumbles some sort of comeback into the top of her head before drifting off.

He wakes up to the sound of singing. Of  _fucking_  course.  _Called it,_  he thinks, but as his vision focuses he can see Ellie's ponytail bobbing as she laughs and doesn't mind all that much.

" _It means no worries_ …" Ellie half sings, half laughs. He raises an eyebrow at that, just a little. Usually he has a hell of a time trying to get her to sing; it's a damned shame, because she's got the prettiest voice he's ever heard. He wonders how much of the Disney collection they've got; she can sing the whole damn repertoire, as long as he's allowed to listen in.

" _For the rest of your days_ …" Doc adds on, less singing and more speaking to the beat of the song, but the old man's eyes are bright as he watches Ellie and Joel understands wanting to encourage her.  _This is why she's important,_ he thinks.  _Ain't about bein' immune, or even bein' tough. She makes people happy, makes 'em hopeful._

"Please stop," Joel mutters, not quite managing to keep the half-smile off his face. "Don't quit your day job, Doc." The older man huffs in mock offense, but he can't quite hide his smile either.

Ellie turns to grin at him, and it's pretty much impossible to keep a straight face at that. She nudges him with her elbow. "C'mon, Joel. Sing with us, have some  _fun_. This movie is like,  _old._ You probably know it, right?" He glares half-heartedly, and she just laughs and keeps on going. " _It's a problem free_ …"

He sighs as if, out of all the trials he's survived,  _this_ is the one that might break him. "Seriously, people. Some of us are tryin' to sleep." He pokes Ellie in the side, feels her laugh before he hears it. "Have some pity on an old man."

Doc snorts. "Oh,  _you're_ the old man? You're doing wonders for my ego, Trigger. You really are," he says sarcastically. Then Ellie looks at him expectantly, and  _damn him_ , the old man picks right back up where she left off. " _Philosophy_ …"

"I'll put you both in a chokehold until you shut up," he warns, and Ellie leans back, her head hitting his shoulder and a grin that's just daring him to try. "Don't think I won't," he says, with just a little less conviction when her eyes lock on his.

" _Hakuna matata_!" Ellie and Doc finish, the both of them fairly choking with laughter. She claps like a little kid, and Doc seems a good few years younger when he bends over to catch his breath, shoulders still shaking.

Joel rolls his eyes, tugs on her ponytail –lightly, because he's way too mindful of that head wound- just to hear her break off into a yelp.

"Disney is genius. We  _have_ to watch more, Ellie," Doc says, after he's calmed down, raises his glasses to wipe the tears out of his eyes.

"Not today you won't," Joel grumbles, though he knows he probably will, if Ellie asks. "You're old as fuck, Doc. Haven't you seen 'em all?"

Doc sniffs. "I'm not  _that_  old, despite what  _some people_ might have me believe. And no, I never found the time. Took the bloody apocalypse to get me to watch my first Disney movie. Funny how that works, isn't it?" He shakes his head. "Clearly, I've been greatly deprived of some quality entertainment."

"Whatever," Joel mumbles, trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes. "Hell of a way to wake up." But he  _is_ pleased Doc got to have some fun; god knows the man deserves it for helping Ellie as well as he did. Joel won't ever say it, but he's damn glad he didn't shoot the old man when he had the chance.

Ellie still laughing, shaking the cot beneath them. "Have fun?" Joel asks, sleep still thick in his voice. She turns her head into his shoulder, nodding. She looks up at him and her eyes are dancing and… fuck. Despite the lead in his gut at Tommy's words, he knows that he'll do anything to protect her. To make sure she feels this way every day. He'll take on the whole fucking town, the whole fucking world, if he has to. And yeah, maybe that makes him sounds twice as young as ten times as stupid, but it's true, so much that it fucks him up a bit to admit it. She's his everything.

And Joel protects his own.


	6. vi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally titled 'Brother Dearest'. Trapped by a bad rainstorm with nothing to do but talk, Tommy and Joel do their best to understand each other again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Another chapter edited and expanded. Hope you guys enjoy!

"Looks like it won't let up for a while," Tommy says, leaning against the rock wall and watching the heavy downpour of rain. Barely any light streams through the opening, with the occasional flash of lightning tearing the sky open and blinding them both.

"Fantastic," Joel mutters, lowering himself to the ground and grimacing as his back screams in protest.  _Looks like you overdid it today, old man_ , he thinks bitterly. "We're stuck here, then."

"There are worse places," his brother reasons, coming to sit down beside him. "We could be stuck out there." Joel scowls, not exactly in the mood for his brother's optimism, but he has to agree with Tommy on this one.

It was by sheer dumb luck they'd been rooting around for animals in one of the larger cracks in the mountain face, trying their luck one last time before starting the trek back to Jackson. They're dry, at least. Well, mostly; they didn't escape the initial downpour quite as gracefully as they could have, but they're hardly soaked to the bone. They're not likely to catch anything if they have to spend the night, which Joel is damn grateful for. Maria would be pissed as hell if her husband went home sick, and Joel doesn't even want to think of the fit Ellie would throw if he came back to her hacking his lungs out.

The cave is dead quiet, without even the sounds of things scurrying in the dark. Joel listens hard, trying to make out any sound other than the rain. He's almost certain nothing would be out there in this weather, but they're well enough beyond Jackson's walls and he's better off too careful than dead.  _"Come back safe, okay?"_ Ellie's voice is as clear in his head as if she was right beside him and, not for the first time, he feels a flare of irritation that she couldn't be here with him. He knows he would've spent the entire time worrying about her, surrounded by strangers with guns, but it's still  _wrong_ , to not even be within the same walls as her.

"Where d'you think everyone else went?" Joel asks after a long silence. "Reckon they made it home before the rain hit?" They'd been out with a hunting party –the townsfolk seem to take turns heading out, but they're not as shitty at it as they could be- trying to stock up for the long winter ahead. At least, the old woman says it'll be long, according to Tommy. Apparently she works as a weather forecast along with being a pain in the ass. Joel blames her for this, he really does.

Still, he has to be grateful that they have ways of telling, her and Doc and whatever other brains Jackson has to boast about, that they've done this for enough years to be sure, to note the patterns from past years and plan months in advance. It's uncomfortably humid now, summer's hold strong enough to make winter seem impossible, but it'll get colder.

And when it does, he wants Ellie warm and fed and as far away from that hell she endured last winter as he can get her. He'll stay inside with her until the snow thaws, if she wants; they'll be able to do that in Jackson, just stay warm and safe in their house, no need to move for anything in the world, nobody on their trail,  _thank God_. But for that, they need food.  _Better stuck here for a while than back home with her starving,_  he reasons.

"We were pretty far in front. Harley radioed to say they were headin' back with the game at least a quarter-hour before the rain started, so I reckon they made it back before it got too bad," Tommy replies, cutting through his thoughts. "Why, you worried?" he teases, because they both know full well that the reason they were so far up front was so Joel wouldn't have to deal with the rest of the group. They weren't bad people, minded their own business more than most bothered to, but he didn't trust them and they sure as hell didn't trust  _him_. Working together for the good of the town was one thing, but none of them were much in the mood for making polite conversation.

Joel snorts. "Hardly. Just wonderin'," he replies, more than a little relieved. He can handle being stuck for the night with Tommy, but the last thing he'd want is to deal with a bunch of strangers crowding him; there isn't much breathing room as is. He shifts uncomfortably against the rock, his muscles aching from the wet outside and the uneven surface.  _Damn rain better let up or I ain't gettin' any sleep tonight._ He thinks of a solid roof over his head and Ellie beside him, and he glowers fiercely at the next bolt of lightning.

"Old bones givin' you trouble, brother?" Tommy asks. Even in the low light, Joel figures his fidgeting must be noticeable. He shrugs it off but Tommy keeps staring at him, seems genuinely concerned, underneath the joking.

"Oh, shuttit," Joel scoffs. "You ain't that much younger. Besides, I don't exactly see you doin' cartwheels, either." He comes off a little sharper than he meant, but he feels old enough right now without Tommy bringing it up. He used to be able to trek days on foot without stopping for more than a couple hours altogether; now, a little daytrip up the mountain has his body griping.  _As if runnin' around with a teenage girl ain't reminder enough._

Tommy shrugs, but despite the casual gesture Joel's harshness doesn't seem to slide off of him like it almost always does. "Too long sleepin' on a bed instead of hard ground, I guess. We can't all be immune to losin' our edge like you, runnin' across the country still kickin' ass and takin' names years after I saw you last."

There's something to that, Joel's sure; an edge in Tommy's voice that wasn't there before. Usually Joel would ignore it, but after last night… He pulls away from that thought quickly, having no desire to relive the nightmare. But it's so easy to look at Tommy now and see him as he was in the dream; twenty years younger, frightened, and sick to his stomach at the awful things his big brother had done in the name of survival. It didn't bother Joel then; nothing did, nothing  _could_ , and any regret he felt over Tommy's leaving was buried quickly. But he's not the man he was then, for better or for worse, and it's become abundantly clear that he can't lock away his conscience forever.

He doesn't even want to think about what tonight will be like. The last thing he wants is for Tommy, of all people, to hear him wake up screaming, to ask questions he can't answer. It would be better than waking up around total strangers, but not by much. Usually Ellie is there to calm him down, to remind him where and  _when_ he is, always understanding and forgiving of things that should make her want to run as far from him as possible, but that obviously won't work here. Half a beat later, he realizes.  _Shit, Ellie._ Will she be able to sleep, either? Or will she have the exact same problem? He sighs heavily, guilt twisting inside of him; he'll have to make it up to her tomorrow.

_Got more important things to worry 'bout with this weather, though._ "Is the witch's house patched up properly?" he asks.

Tommy looks at him funny, half-amused at his nickname for the old woman and half-confused. "Worried about Babs' fragile health in this weather?"

Joel actually laughs at that. "That old bat wouldn't die facin' a Bloater with her bare hands. A cold won't do her no harm. But Ellie was goin' to visit her while I was out and…" He trails off, shrugging.

Tommy smiles knowingly. "And you're worried about her. I got it. I wouldn't worry too much," he says. He pauses, an amused expression crossing his face as he snorts. "I doubt it even rains on top of that shack. Babs probably did some voodoo on it," he jokes, and they both laugh a little. "'Sides, she loves your girl's visits; who else is gonna keep her company and crack her up like Ellie does? Probably has half a hundred potions to ward off any illness and she'll make Ellie drink all of 'em if she thinks she needs it. Trust me, that shit works wonders. Ellie'll be just fine."

Joel nods. "Reckon you've got the right of it. 'S just… it was my idea, for her to go. She was real disappointed that she couldn't come with me, and I figured visitin' the old woman would do her some good, since it's been a while and Maria's all tied up today." It goes without saying that he wasn't going to leave her  _alone_ , without anyone to back her up if she needed it. "If she gets sick, it's on me."

He's never actually  _seen_  Ellie get sick –pretty damn impressive, considering the awful conditions they've lived in for the past year- but he still worries.  _Seems like all I do with that girl is worry_ , he thinks wryly. He grimaces at a loud crack of thunder. "She don't handle storms too well, either." He's had her latch onto him enough nights to know that much.

"For what it's worth, I'm real sorry she ain't here," Tommy says. "I swear, I wouldn't have had a problem if it was just us. I know your girl can handle herself with a gun; Lord knows her help would be appreciated out here. But I figured this was safest, for you and for her. Figured that's what you'd want." He shrugs. "Not that those folks are dangerous, or anythin'. They're fine, you know I wouldn't bring 'em along if they had a real problem with you or Ellie, but… everybody's on edge. You included. Just tryin' to balance it all, y'know? Keep somebody from gettin' shot." He says the last bit jokingly, but Joel still knows his little brother's ticks. There's real worry underneath it all.

"Ain't your fault," Joel mutters. "You did fine. Ellie wasn't happy, but she understood." But she'll be wanting every detail about the hunt and how it went, he's sure. She was worried when he left, even when he swore Tommy had his back, and the  _only_ reason she didn't insist on following him is because they knew it'd be better not to make a fuss.  _They already look at her like she's some sorta freak, let alone if she out-shot everybody out here._ "Shitty situation, all 'round."

"Damn straight," Tommy mutters. "But it'll level off once you've been in town for a while. You'll see." Joel hums noncommittally, not convinced.

The downpour picks up volume, roaring like a waterfall at the mouth of the cave. "Shoulda told her to stay home 'til I got back," Joel mutters.

Tommy barks out a laugh, shaking his head in disbelief. "'S just rain, brother. Ellie's fine. Better off than we are right now. You're gonna go home to her, soon as it lets up a little." Joel doesn't respond, and he can feel Tommy's eyes on him as the seconds tick by. "Christ, if you could just see yourself right now. All broken up over a bit of water," Tommy mutters, laughter and something like wonder mixed up in his voice. "You really love that girl of yours, don't you?" he asks after a moment, completely serious.

Joel grits his teeth, even though he  _knows_ it's not an accusation, knows Tommy means nothing by it. "What makes you say that?" he asks, pointedly not looking at his brother. His voice comes out defensive, a little too harsh, and damn Tommy for poking at things that are best left alone.

"Because you worry about everything when it comes to her. Not just things like bandits or Infected, but stupid things, like colds and thunderstorms and… I don't know, the possibility of drowning in two feet of water. You were never like that." Tommy stays quiet for a little bit, and Joel knows he's thinking about Before, about who they both were. "After we parted ways, before you came 'round that first time, I thought… I thought you'd shut down for good, y'know? Just survival, just gettin' by, nothin' else to keep you goin'."

Joel nods, even though he knows Tommy doesn't need to be told how right he is. He was surviving, if you could even  _call_ it that, but he wonders grimly how much longer he would have lasted like that. Tommy watches him cautiously, probably expecting him to shut this conversation down. Joel doesn't say anything.  _He can talk, if he wants to. Can't make things that much worse, can it?_

Tommy scoffs bitterly. "Lord knows thinkin' that was the only thing that got me to sleep, some nights. What kinda man leaves his own blood, his own  _brother,_ alone in this kinda world? How the hell was I supposed to live with that? Only way to keep my head straight was to tell myself you weren't my brother anymore, weren't the same person I grew up with."

"Tommy-" Joel goes quiet when his brother cuts with off with a shake of his head. It's just as well; he doesn't know what he was going to say, anyway. He never thought Tommy would feel  _guilty_. Joel knows better than most how guilt and regret can eat away at someone over the years, and the idea of Tommy going through that over worry for  _him_ doesn't sit well at all.

"Lemme say this, alright? I've lived with this shit in my head for  _years,_ wonderin' if you were dead, if I coulda saved you." He struggles for a moment with his words, but now that he's started talking he can't seem to stop.

"I tried to bury you away with… with Sarah," they both cringe, but Tommy keeps going after a moment, his voice a little rougher, "and everybody else we lost. Told myself it was for the best, that it wasn't any concern of mine when your body stopped breathin', 'cause the real you died the night it all started. And  _Christ,_ you acted it. Survival is one thing, but the way you'd cut people down, easy as breathin', the way you were just… empty, on the inside- well, I figured you'd never feel anythin' ever again."

There's no way to answer that, at least no way Joel can manage without making a fool of himself, so he grits his teeth and takes the brunt of his brother's words. It's true, it's  _all_ true; he always knew as much, but hearing it all laid out for him like this –hearing his little brother's  _guilt_ \- is just on the wrong side of too much. It was a damn sight easier to take when Tommy was angry, when they were at each other's throats.  _That_  much, he's familiar with.

But Tommy is as far from angry as can be, and when he speaks again his voice is softer, the hint of a smile flashing in the dark of the cave. "And now here you are, pinin' for a teenager who's probably less than a mile away. Hell, who am I kiddin'. You'd probably still be antsy if she was around the corner and you couldn't see her." He laughs, but there's sadness in it.

"The crazy part is, she's probably pacin' around, drivin' Babs even battier than normal, askin' if she thinks you're okay, if the rain will let up soon, if you'll be home before dark. The old woman probably had to tie her to a chair just to stop her from lookin' for you in this mess." He motions outdoors, shaking his head in disbelief. "I just don't get it. I thought you were  _gone_ , Joel. I thought the brother I knew was long gone, and then this girl pops up outta nowhere and damn well fixes you. I can't find any sense in it."

"There ain't nothin' fixable about me, little brother. You should know that better than anyone," Joel says quietly. For the tiniest moment, he's grateful Ellie isn't here. It would just make her sad, to hear him talking like this. It's true, every word of it, but he'll spare her that heartbreak for as long as he can.

Tommy snorts. "But that's just it. I know the things you've done- I've seen you hurt people,  _innocent_  people, first hand. And I  _know_  what you look like outta control, and you're not. I see flashes of what you were back in Boston, but it never comes back, not completely. And it's her, it's all her."

And  _goddamit,_ he doesn't want anything to do with the barrage of memories that hit him at Tommy's words. He doesn't want to remember their early days in Boston. Last night was bad enough; he doesn't think he can handle much more. But his brother's right about one thing, at least.

"Ellie's pretty damn magical that way," Joel agrees, smiling a little at the old joke. He remembers the first night he sang to her up on their roof, remembers the awestruck look on her face and the way she smiled at him. The heaviness in his chest recedes, just a little. If he can make her happy, doesn't that mean he's still worth  _something_? It's not forgiveness for all the bad he's done- hell, it's not even breaking even, but if he can make her smile like that then he's not completely lost.

"I'm startin' to have my suspicions," Tommy half-jokes. "'Cause I've been tryin' to figure it out, see. Even before you two came back; the first time you came 'round I saw it, even then. 'S why I was gonna take her to the Fireflies. She had to be somethin', to shake you up the way she did. Wasn't all that surprised when you couldn't part with her. Attached at the hip already, lookin' at her like a damned fool."

Tommy laughs softly, and Joel can't find it in him to take offense. "And I've been tryin' to figure out what changes a man like that, what makes a man turn his back on a cure for the whole world for the sake of one, solitary girl. It's more than love or devotion or anythin' I can put a name to. And it fuckin' terrifies me," Tommy admits. "The things you'd do for her. The things she'd do for  _you_ , even."

Joel watches him warily, weighing his next words carefully. Tommy doesn't seem upset, but they're still on fragile ground. The cure is still a sore spot for all of them, one they skirt around more often than not. "You thought the world could get better," he says, after a long silence. "When we nearly shot each other, both of us so goddamned angry… You left, went over to the Fireflies, 'cause you thought it could get better. When we came back I was expectin' you to shoot me point-blank for takin' that away and you didn't. Why?"

Tommy grimaces. "Don't suppose I can chalk it all up to brotherly love and leave it at that?"

Joel snorts. "You're soft, little brother, but you ain't that soft."

"You're an asshole, y'know that?"

"Might've been mentioned a few times, yeah."

Tommy chuckles softly, looking up at the ceiling as he thinks. "You remember what Doc said? 'Bout the cure not bein' the answer?"

Joel nods, grimacing a little as he remembers their first meeting with the doctor, how close he came to fucking everything up  _again_.

"That's it, I think. I always knew that somewhere inside. The world ain't gonna get better with a miracle vaccine. It's gonna get better if folks stick together, if they don't forget to be  _human_. The  _Cordyceps_  turned a lot of people but the rest? The rest of the shit that happened? That was on us. People shootin' other people in the streets, robberies, murders, rapes. A vaccine would stop the Infected but it couldn't stop the human race from bein' a monster all on its own. We find our own cures for that. Ellie's yours, Maria and the town are mine."

"No matter what, you keep findin' somethin' to fight for." Joel smiles, just a little, and maybe he's a sentimental old fool, but he was right, wasn't he? Ellie's waiting on him, and when he gets back she'll give him that big, beautiful smile and they'll still be alive and happy and  _good_. Tommy's right, he  _has_ to be, because Joel can't imagine how a world without Ellie could be cured.

Tommy nods. "Exactly. That's all I ever wanted. For people to keep fightin', for  _you_  to keep fightin'. And you did. You  _both_  did. How could I fault either of you for that?"

Joel swallows against the ache in his throat- probably the damp.  _Or maybe we're both soft._ "When Tess and I," he still chokes a little on her name, the grief old but still aching, "when we found Marlene and she told us to take Ellie… she talked about you. Then I made some wisecrack about you leavin' the Fireflies and she said that you left me too, that  _you_  were a good man. And I'm not, I know that. Haven't been for twenty long-ass years." He still doesn't have the right words for everything that happened between them, but he tries now. "Never faulted you for leavin'; I woulda left me too, given half a chance. For what it's worth, I'm… I'm sorry. About Boston. About everythin', I guess."

Tommy nods, and Joel's more relieved than he would've thought, to have that acceptance. "Me too, brother. But you're wrong on one account. So was Marlene." Joel looks at him curiously. "You were always a good man, underneath all the hurt and all those walls you put up. You just… forgot it, for a little while. Even then, sometimes I saw bits of you, when you cracked for a half-second. I stayed as long as I did 'cause I thought I could get you back, get you better." He shrugs, old hurt flickering across his face for a moment. "Wasn't my job to do in the end, but I reckon I can take bein' showed up for once. Least I was half right."

"How d'you figure?" Joel asks.

"Knew it'd be family that wore you down, in the end."

Joel doesn't know how to respond to that, doesn't even know where to  _begin_. "I ain't the same, Tommy," he says instead. He owes it to Tommy to be honest, at the very least.

The younger man shrugs, and Joel wonders if he's really lost his idealistic streak. "Neither am I. Neither is  _anybody_. You're alright, though. Or you're gonna be. I would know. Said so yourself, yeah? So fuck anybody who says otherwise, dead or alive." He shakes his head, mystified. "And  _honestly_ , are you really gonna take character critiques from a woman who was gonna kill Ellie for the sake of  _maybe_  savin' the world, shitshow that it is?"

Joel grits his teeth hard enough to ache.  _Ellie on the operating table, doctors ready to cut her open…_ The noise he makes at that memory sounds terrifying in small quarters.

Tommy doesn't seem too worried, just nods to himself like it all makes sense. "Didn't think so, brother. So, you shut up with that self-antagonizing crap. It's gettin' real old, real fast. And don't you gimme that look, big brother. 'Cause I know for a  _fact_  Ellie tells you the same thing daily. You callin' her a liar?"

Joel rolls his eyes. He has a half a mind to remind his brother that Ellie isn't exactly impartial when it comes to him –even though that makes no goddamn  _sense_ , she has more reason to hate him than anyone and  _still_ \- but he's got a feeling that he'd just run into the exact same roadblock with Tommy if he tried that one. "You always were too much of a smart-ass for your own good," he mutters instead of arguing, because his little brother is too  _good_  for his own good and he'll be damned if he lets him down again.

And maybe there's a part of him that's scared as hell, to have people depend on him,  _trust him_  again. It all just feels like collateral damage waiting to happen, and Joel's got a fucking  _flawless_ track record of crashing and burning.

But then Tommy shrugs, shifts a little closer until Joel can see the delightedly smug look on his face, and he thinks maybe,  _maybe_ he can try not to fuck up so spectacularly this time around. And even with all that baggage to worry about, the silence that follows is lighter between them than it has been in  _ages_.

Tommy's face creases into a thoughtful expression, and then something like alarm crosses over it. "Shit. You ain't dyin' or anythin', are you?"

Joel snorts. "Christ, Tommy. I ain't that old."

The younger man shoots him a withering look. "'S just… when have you ever talked about any of this shit? Why  _now_? You coulda just told me to shut my trap, and waited out the storm."

Joel shrugs uncomfortably. It's a fair question, and somewhere deep down he knows this isn't just about one bad dream –or even the countless nightmares before it. Whether or not living in Jackson works out –because if this place starts doing more harm than good then they're  _gone_ \- Joel wants this mess dead and buried. Even if he never sees Tommy again, he wants to know they're… if not what they used to be, then at least  _alright_. He can  _fix_ this, do this one thing to knock one fuck-up off his giant list. "Figured it was time to put some things to rest. Considerin' we're neighbors, now. I ain't goin' nowhere, so shut up about that. Ellie worries enough as is, without your fool ideas gettin' in the way."

"So you're good, then?"

"Yes, Tommy."

"Alright. Good. It'd suck somethin' awful, you kickin' the bucket right after reconcilin'."

"You're an  _idiot_ , y'know that?"

"So they tell me." Tommy stifles a yawn, and they both drift into silence for a while.

"Why'd you end up leavin' the Fireflies?" Joel asks eventually, because it seems as good a time as any to ask and actually get a straight answer. "It's been buggin' me for ages. You were so convinced they were the answer. What changed?" Tommy is silent for a long time; if it wasn't for his stony expression, Joel would think he fell asleep.

"Honestly? Same reason I left you. I couldn't go along with them in good faith, not after a while. I didn't want what they did, couldn't justify the means with the end. They were no different than the military, in the end," he says eventually, and Joel doesn't even know why that answer surprises him.

"They were just as corrupt. They just had different goals. But before I knew all that, they were the rebels with a cause. They were a possibility in a world where there was none left. They were bright and shiny and catchy for a while but… well, you've seen their handiwork first hand. Another reason why I couldn't stay angry about you and Ellie bustin' outta there. Marlene meant well, don't get me wrong. From what you told me that day you got here, it seems like she knew they were doin' wrong but she was too far gone to do anythin' about it." There's silence again, both brothers lost in old memories for a little too long.

"She begged me not to kill her," Joel mutters. "She looked up at me and begged me to let her go but all I could see when I looked at her was betrayal. I barely knew her, but… for Ellie, y'know?"

Tommy nods, and there's a surprising amount of understanding in his expression. "At this point, it's kinda the same thing."

Joel shrugs, edging around the truth of Tommy's words because there's too much in them to think on right now. "They were friends. She watched over Ellie after her mom died, took her in after she got bit," he says. Admittedly, the details Ellie gave him were a little vague and didn't line up with the impassioned speech Marlene has thrown his way, which… doesn't surprise him, not in the slightest. He  _does_ know that there's no way in hell Marlene raised that kid if Ellie was stuck in an orphanage most of her life, and that's a whole other level of betrayal he can't think on too much without bursting a blood vessel.

"I'll never understand how she was able to do it. To make the call. Maybe you're right and she was too far gone but I can't bring myself to feel any sympathy." He takes a shaky breath. "I've killed a lot of people in my time, and it all starts to run together after a while… but it felt  _damn_  good, shootin' her. Knowin' she could never come after Ellie again." He looks at his brother, half-expecting to see the disgust that was so common on Tommy's face before they split up. "Rethinkin' your earlier character assessment?"

Tommy smiles, a little sad but completely real, and shakes his head without missing a beat. "As far as I can tell, you haven't killed anyone in a long time that hasn't been for her sake. I'd say that's as much as anyone can hope for as far as your redemption goes." He chuckles a little, probably at the surprise that Joel knows is painted all over his face. "Baby steps, and all that."

"Baby steps," Joel echoes, less because he agrees and more because he can't quite wrap his head around this conversation. He has the brief, strange thought that he might be dreaming, but the pain in his back is definitely real, and so is the rock that's biting at him from all sides. Awake, then, but no less out of his depth. Tommy looks like he wants to laugh again, but he leaves Joel to his thinking and stays quiet.

The sound of the rain seems to lessen slightly, and Joel allows himself some hope that he might get home tonight.  _Home_ , he thinks, still a little awestruck at the idea of it, and knows there's something else he has to mention before this honesty between them fades back into things unsaid.

"I don't think I ever thanked you properly. For givin' us a home, and for helpin' us out like you have. I know things haven't exactly been easy with the people," he starts. They're not the  _right_  words, exactly –he doesn't have those, just guilt and gratitude that he can't make into anything coherent- but close enough that he thinks he'll be understood.

Tommy waves him off. "You're my brother, Joel. Wherever I settle down there'll be a place for you. And Ellie, since you've sorta become a packaged deal at this point. If anyone doesn't like it, well." He shrugs, like the answer is easy. "No one's bein' forced to stay. They can take their chances with the Infected if they can't handle a couple of people who are a little different." Tommy grins slightly at the end, but Joel can tell he's dead serious.

"What, then? We keep the town runnin' ourselves?" Joel asks jokingly, but it's a reminder, too. They don't have the luxury of being picky, not when the town's still so small and the threats outside number too many to count.

"Yep. You, me, Doc, and the girls," Tommy offers, playing along. "I figure we could make a pretty good go of it. Maybe Babs could even be persuaded, if we got her drunk enough and pitched the idea."

"Which would take more moonshine than we have water at the dam," Joel points out.

Tommy barks out a laugh and raises his hands in defeat. "Fair enough. Guess we'll just have to hope folks start warmin' up to you two, then."

"We might have better luck with the dam full of moonshine," Joel says, only half-joking.

"It'll get better," Tommy assures him, with more conviction this time. "Folks have serious respect for you. And Ellie too, for that matter. You two survived in the worst of this mess for ages, and it's pretty damn obvious to anybody with eyes that you've seen some shit. More than most folks here can really understand."

"Why the hell does anyone have to understand?" Joel mutters. "If everybody minded their own goddamn business, we'd all be fine."

"They're just scared, Joel. None of them could take either of you in a fight. You've made that  _plenty_ clear from all the times you've nearly jumped down some poor bastard's throat for side-eyein' Ellie." Tommy heaves out a sigh. "Lord knows what your girl would do if she heard anybody talkin' shit about you." He grimaces. "Christ, I don't even wanna think about explainin' that mess."

Joel bristles slightly and shoots his brother a hard look. "We look out for each other. I've told you before, I ain't apologizin' for that."

"Nobody's askin' you to," Tommy says calmly. "All I'm sayin' is that you're kinda invincible, as a team. Folks don't like knowin' that, not when they've got families to worry over. Makes them feel powerless, and after everythin' they've gone through out there… nobody wants to feel that way again."

"Ain't lookin' to hurt anybody's family, Tommy," Joel says quietly, swallowing back the indignation that swells up in his throat. What right does he have to be surprised, or even upset, after all the shit he's done? How many families has he broken apart in his time? What proof has he given that he won't do it again, if he has to?

Tommy nods, and the complete faith in his expression eases Joel's mind just a little. "You more than anybody, now. I know that. Not everybody does, but most of them are happy to live and let live." He nods towards the outside of the cave. "The whole group knew you were comin' before they volunteered, they didn't care. We're all workin' for the same thing, we've all got our reasons to keep things peaceful. Got enough to deal with outside the gates. For most, that's enough. There's a reason all the bad is just grumblin' and nobody's tried to flat-out kick your ass outta town."

"Figured that was just you and Maria puttin' out fires left, right and center."

Tommy chuckles. "Only when we have to. Helps that you've got some upstandin' citizens in your corner. Doc vouches for you any time he gets the chance. Esther, too." He winces a little, and looks away from Joel as he hastily continues, "The old woman don't mind you all that much, either. Says as much, if anybody asks. Thinks you're funny, likes your singin'."

"I'm a one-man show, apparently," Joel says dryly, trying and failing to catch his brother's eyes again. "They're good folks."

"The best," Tommy agrees.

"Even when you're tryin' to set me up with one of them."

"Should I tell Doc that you're interested?" Tommy teases, but his expression drops almost immediately back into shame, even as Joel laughs. "I know, don't think I don't. Shoulda known better than to set you up with Esther. With  _anybody_ , especially when you were hurtin' so bad. I just wanted to make you better, and I figured if you weren't alone…" He shrugs. "I underestimated you and your girl. Damned fool thing to do; shoulda known you'd patch things up in record time. But you were so  _wrecked_ -"

"You were tryin' to help, in your own backwards-ass way," Joel says quickly, not wanting a reminder of those first awful days in Jackson. "'S alright. Worked out fine, in the end."

"You don't head over to the stables much anymore, do you?"

Joel shrugs. "We pass by sometimes. Ellie loves the horses, and Esther pretty much lets her have the run of the place when she's there." He smiles a little, remembering his girl talking to the animals like they were people, the way her eyes would light up when one of them nosed her hand looking for treats. "But we don't go as much as I did, early on."

"Why? Thought you liked Esther well enough, just bein' friendly." He adds quickly, "Not that it's any of my concern."

"I like her fine. Not much time to visit, is all." Nevermind that there are days when him and Ellie have nothing  _but_ time, to strum on the guitar or talk or watch the clouds roll by. Good, lazy days where they don't have to deal with any shit and Jackson almost feels like home. But Joel doesn't know how to explain Ellie's fear of him leaving her, or of the way the stables remind him too much of almost losing her, without sounding completely unhinged.

It will pass, he knows it will, but for now he doesn't see any harm in giving themselves some time. Besides, he's seen the way Ellie's eyes cloud over sometimes when she watches the horses, the way she went rigid and still at the sight of the empty stall. They edge around talking about Callus like they do most everything that happened during the winter, but he has a feeling that Ellie might feel guilty –maybe even a little afraid- over what happened to her horse. For her sake, he hopes that passes, too. It'd do her good to find joy in that again, without the taint of her memories.

Tommy must know his answer doesn't make sense, but he nods and lets it go without comment. "Well, she's real good about makin' you look good. Always sayin' how you helped her out in the stables early on, that you're real good with Ellie. She's been here almost since the town started, and people like her. Means somethin', her talkin' about you like she does. Folks know she's got no reason to lie."

"She's a respectable lady," Joel agrees. "Shouldn't get involved, though. Ain't her problem to deal with."

"She's bein' a good  _friend_ , Joel. Reckon it's been a while, but you remember what that's like, don't you?" Joel shoots him a weary look that he ignores. "Even tells folks she thinks it's sweet that you've got such a protective streak for your girl." Tommy snorts. "Not sure if folks are gonna get on board with  _that_ anytime soon, but eventually they'll figure out that as long as they don't mess with the bull they won't get the horns."

Joel laughs outright at that. "Which one of us is which?" he asks.

Tommy shrugs, and he's smiling, too. "Depends on the situation."

Joel sobers up as he thinks on the truth of that. God, can he even  _count_ the times he's fought for her, or she for him? It seems like they've done nothing else since meeting each other. "And if somethin' does happen?" he asks, because nothing has changed and he doesn't know how to  _not_ always be in Ellie's corner.

Tommy looks at him questioningly. "How d'you mean?" he says, a little wary.

"What if the next time Ellie gets hurt it's on purpose, not just some dumb kids fuckin' around, and I have to go and shoot the bastard that did it? Then what?" Bad enough that she was in pain –even if it healed over quick enough that even Doc was impressed- over a stupid accident. Tommy and Maria dealt with the kids and their parents, and he forced himself to be satisfied with that, because Ellie wouldn't hear of anything else. But the idea of her hurt even  _worse?_

Neither of them even considers the idea of Joel letting something like that go without death being involved.

"Ain't gonna happen, brother," Tommy says. "I swear to God, no one's gonna hurt her."

"Shit happens," Joel reminds him, not unkindly. It's not that he doesn't believe Tommy; his brother has said time and time again that he'd protect him and Ellie no matter what. And people aren't stupid, they have to know coming after the girl amounts to suicide. But God forbid something did happen, he needs Tommy to know the consequences. He needs to know that he won't have to deal with his little brother trying to talk him down from what needs to be done.

Tommy sighs heavily. "We'll cross that bridge if we come to it," he says wearily. "But I won't kick you out, if that's what you're worried about. I can't fault you for protectin' each other, and I'd be a damned fool to get in your way. Just…give me a heads up, before you do anythin' crazy. I know shootin' first is your style, but try not to kill anyone unnecessarily, yeah?" He smiles, trying to make a joke out of it, but worry is etched into the lines around his eyes.

Joel nods slowly, not finding anything in his brother's words worth arguing with. "I can agree to that." Tommy relaxes, relieved, and when he offers his hand they shake on it.

They might've gone on talking for longer –it's been years after all, and they were close, once- but Tommy tilts his head and stares out the mouth of the cave, a grin splitting his face. "The rain's stopped," he says, and it's only then that Joel notices the absence of sound. "Someone upstairs is takin' pity on our poor old souls. Let's go," he says, thumping Joel on the back. "Ellie's waitin'."

Joel barks out a laugh. "That supposed to make me move faster?"

"You'd fly if you could, don't even try tellin' me otherwise."

* * *

It takes way too long to get back to Jackson, even if Tommy  _does_ crack a few jokes about having an old man outrun him all the way there. The guards let them through without more than a cursory glance, most of them still wary of Joel after his first day. Tommy's word seems to be enough, fortunately for everyone. Joel doesn't know if he could sit through a whole check without losing his patience, not with Ellie waiting on him.

Free to go, he heads off toward the old woman's house, sure that Tommy will head off to find the rest of the hunting party or check in with his wife. He's surprised to hear footsteps pick up behind him not long after, and when he turns, Tommy shrugs at his confusion. "Maria's at the clinic, I already radioed her to say we were back. Figure I can swing by and say hi to Ellie 'fore I head over."

"Gonna apologize for keepin' me out?" Joel teases, knowing full well that Tommy is deliberately taking the long route through town to follow him, instead of just cutting through to get to Doc's.

Tommy shrugs, smiling a little. "Maybe. Hard not to feel guilty, when she looks at you with those big eyes." Joel makes a sympathetic noise and his brother laughs. "Yeah, I figure you're pretty familiar with that look. Just wanna make sure she's okay, is all." At Joel's curious look, he snorts. "What? All your worryin' is rubbin' off on me."

Joel thinks about their conversation in the cave, on all the reasons that he  _should_ be worried, and picks up his pace. Tommy doesn't tease him for it this time, and instead he starts spinning some stupid story about his last visit to the power plant and all the kinds of hell that broke loose. It's not the most subtle distraction, but it works, and the way to Babs' place seems shorter when Joel is laughing.

He's keenly aware of the distance though, and he must not be the only one, because as soon as the little house comes into view, he sees a flash of red and hears Ellie crow, "They're back!" from the open window.

Tommy, in the middle of describing Doc's near-fit at seeing his clinic all filled with engineers needing varying levels of help, shuts up and chuckles. "No wonder you're always in a hurry to get home, if that's the welcome you get."

Joel clears his throat and looks away, trying to hide the little grin that slid onto his face without permission. "I'm lucky," he says, and Tommy nods in clear agreement, his eyes bright with amusement.

"Took them long enough!" the old woman calls, sparing Joel from embarrassing himself further. "Go on, then." But the front door is already swinging open wildly before she's through talking, bouncing off its hinges with a groan as Ellie races out, sneakers slipping on the wet grass. Babs ambles out after her, carrying a mug in her hand as she shakes her head at the girl's antics. "I'm sure Trigger's fairly beside himself from being away from you for more than five seconds."

But Joel barely hears her, doesn't even register the dig at his self-control, because then Ellie is  _right there_ and fairly tackling him in her delight and god, he should  _not_  have missed her this much for… what? A few extra hours? But Tommy is right; they've been all but attached at the hip for most of their recent lives and they're not good at doing it any other way. He can't even feel bad about it, because Ellie's mouth is going a mile a minute and she's bouncing up on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck, and he's  _good_.

"Slow down, you're gonna hurt yourself," Joel mutters, a smile tugging at his mouth.

She rolls her eyes at his teasing, but she stops talking long enough to look him up and down, reluctantly letting go of him to see properly. "Are you okay?" she asks. "Nobody gave you a hard time, right?"

He's tempted to remind her that he's a grown man and he can handle himself just fine, but he sees too-familiar concern reflected in her eyes and he stops himself. She had good reason to worry –as much as he tries to protect her, she's not stupid or blind to the people around them- and he can't blame her for it when he spent the better part of the trek doing the exact same thing. "I'm fine, didn't run into any trouble. I stuck with Tommy, for the most part. He looked out for me."

Joel sees the question written clearly on her face and he knows she must be thinking about last night, about everything he's told her about his –and Tommy's- past and wondering how he held up. "We managed just fine," he assures her, and even though she nods he knows she'll want the whole story when they get home. It's just as well; he needs to make some sense of the whole thing, and Ellie knows his mind better than he does, half the time.

Ellie relaxes, her earlier concern fading a little. "Thanks for watching his back," she says to Tommy, and she looks so goddamn grateful that Joel has to wonder exactly what she thought was going to happen to him out there.

Tommy shrugs, looking a little surprised at her heartfelt thank-you before he smiles a little. "Somebody had to, without you there to keep him outta trouble."

Joel snorts, but doesn't bother to correct his brother. "You had a good time, or did the old woman drive you up a wall?" he asks instead as they amble towards the house, Ellie leaning into him as he tucks an arm around her.

Babs guffaws and Ellie laughs sheepishly, smiling apologetically at the older woman. "I think I was the one doing the driving, actually."

"You shoulda heard her, mopin' like a little fool," Babs grumbles. "'When's Joel coming back? What if he needs me? Can't I go out and look? But I  _miss_ him'," she says, pitching her voice higher to imitate the girl, her grin growing as Ellie's eyes grow wider, mortified. "She saw you comin' and almost bounced through my goddamn roof." Tommy shoots Joel a knowing look that he ignores determinedly.

"I don't sound like that!" Ellie splutters, her face burning red as she pulls away to face him properly. "And I didn't say any of that, I swear!" Babs snorts and Ellie glares daggers at her.

"'Course not," Joel assures her, even though he has a pretty good feeling that she's lying through her teeth. He pushes her forward gently with his hand on the small of her back, trying not to grin at the lingering flush of embarrassment on her face or the way she leans back into his hand. "I missed you, though."

"Yeah?" she asks, all bright eyes and  _surprise_ , of all things, as her face lights up. She looks so damn  _pleased_ that he has to smile, and that just seems to make her grin grow bigger.

"Barely shut up about you the entire time," Tommy supplies, grinning like an idiot. "You shoulda seen his face when the rain caught us and he thought he wasn't comin' home to you tonight."  _Little bastard._  But Ellie beams, and Joel figures he can forgive his little brother for outing him. They did just make their peace, after all.

"Alright, alright. Enough chatterin', now," Babs orders, waving them in with her free hand. "You two get in here and drink somethin' warm before you catch your deaths. This one is bad enough." She jabs a thumb toward Ellie, who makes a face in reply. " _Definitely_  don't need Maria bustin' down my door for letting her husband get sick." Tommy grimaces, and Joel's not quite sure whether it's in reaction to his wife's wrath or whatever remedy the old woman wants to give them.

Ellie wrinkles her nose and makes a gagging sound. "I wouldn't trust that stuff, if I was you," she says as they head in, grinning when Joel chuckles at the face she pulls. "I think she poisoned me."

"Don't tempt me, girlie," Babs mutters without any real bite behind it, heading to the tiny stove across from her doorway. "Medicine ain't supposed to taste good, it's good  _for_ you," she says as she sets her mug down and takes a kettle from the stovetop. "Even stopped the rain when I made it, see? Sucked the clouds right back in." She waves a hand to the clear sky outside and Ellie rolls her eyes. "What? Never heard of a tempest in a teapot?" she asks, shaking the kettle in the girl's direction. "Works every time."

Ellie scoffs. "You're shitting me." She casts a wary look at the kettle, though, like she almost expects it to jump out of Babs' hand. Even Tommy looks half convinced, the old woman sounds so sure. Joel stifles the laughter that tries to claw its way out of his chest, masking it with a cough.

Babs grins, her eyes dancing. "Maybe. But it  _sounds_  like it could be true, don't it?"

"Freaky old woman," Ellie mutters, noisily pulling up a chair and throwing herself into it. But there's fondness to her words, and it's not missed by any of them.

Babs snipes right back, not quite able to wipe the smile from her face, and Joel feels a strange tug of gratitude towards the older woman; not only for watching out for Ellie just now, or for standing up for both of them, but for just being  _kind_  in her own way to a lonely little girl.

_Not like Ellie makes it difficult_ , he thinks, all the worry and discomfort from the day flowing right out of him as he settles into the chair beside hers. As Ellie laughs at the old woman's grumbling, she looks up at him and he sees his own relief –at finally being  _back_ and seeing that she's alright, at just being  _close_  to her- mirrored right back at him. She smiles, small and shy and just for him, her eyes brightening when he returns it, before turning to snark back at Babs.

Watching her sit here and laugh -like the kid she never got a chance to be- makes him think that maybe,  _maybe_  they're right where they're supposed to be, despite the hard road they've walked getting here, and  _being_ here.  _Christ, I hope so._

He catches Tommy's eye, and his little brother smiles knowingly. "What?"

"Old fool," Tommy chuckles; Joel rolls his eyes but doesn't argue, because the boy's not  _wrong_. "It's a good look on you," Tommy offers, clearly biting back a grin. And really, Joel thinks he's well within his rights when he grabs an old towel off one of the chairs and whips it at his idiot brother.

Tommy's resulting laugh booms inside the small cabin, and for the tiniest moment Joel feels almost human again.


	7. vii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally titled 'Family Ties'. Doc muses on EllieandJoel, the road so far, and the nature of the word 'family'. Alternatively titled, 'Doc Is Not Anyone's Shrink, Goddamit (He's Totally Everyone's Shrink)'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This one is a Doc POV. Basically, he flashes in and out of different scenarios, telling Joel and Ellie's story as he's heard it from the beginning. It covers territory that will be familiar, as well as some new stuff. Warnings include: 16 PUCKING PAGES OF WRITING WHAT THE FUCK, nosey as fuck neighbours, descriptions of violence, reference to attempted sexual assault, bullying, yeah. Generally not good. Enjoy!

Doc likes to consider himself as a family man. Granted, his family has decreased significantly in number since the outbreak, but it's still there. Little, and broken, but still good. He chuckles softly to himself at yet another Disney reference. Maria will surely strangle him for them one day, if Trigger and his revolver don't beat her to it. But he digresses. Family. Very important, that. Especially when one finds oneself in the midst of the zombie apocalypse.

For the longest time, it had been him and Maria. After her mother died… Doc winces. Well. That's a story for another time. Then they'd met Tommy in their travels, and their duo had become a trio, with Maria and Tommy becoming their own little duo. Which Doc was surprisingly happy about. Tommy was – still is- honest and kind. A rare breed. A little quiet whenever his past is brought up, but then, don't they all have their secrets in times like these? Doc loves to make fun, but at the end of the day, he really does consider his son-in-law one of the finest men he knows.

They'd been happy, the little trio. They'd built a town from the ground up, started their own little civilization. Not too shabby, as Tommy would say. They'd met Babs muttering about on the lakeside, and she'd become something of an eccentric great aunt to them. A trio plus one, so to speak. Not quite a cohesive unit, but something. And it was good. And then Ellie and Joel happened. Doc snorts. Now those two… That's a story better than anything he could ever find in his library.

**********************************************************

"What do you mean, his brother?" Doc fairly hisses. Maria raises her hands in a gesture of surrender.

"What're you growling at me for?" she asks defensively. "I told you everything I know, Dad." Doc sighs, turning his attention to the plethora of crushed jars on the ground on his workplace. Those idiot bandits apparently thought they'd find something other than preserved scientific specimens in the jars. The clearly labeled jars, might he add. The cleanup may very well kill him, where Infected and non-Infected alike have failed.

"Allow me to summarize, then. Tommy's brother – the same brother he's told us about, mind you, the homicidal smuggler with a chip on his shoulder- showed up this morning with a young girl in tow asking for Tommy's help to… what, exactly?" Doc mutters, poking morosely at what used to be one of his fungal experiments.

"To take the girl to UEC for something. Tommy didn't exactly have time to explain because the girl up and ran off on one of the horses," Maria answers. Doc rolls his eyes.

"Fabulous. The homicidal smuggler has a thieving teenage accomplice. I can think of no reason why we shouldn't help these people," Doc says sarcastically.

"There's no reason to get pissy," Maria sniffs.

"There's every reason to get 'pissy', daughter. How on Earth do you know they're telling the truth about… Anything? Tommy could be going off to his death!" he exclaims.

"Don't," Maria says darkly, a warning. Doc exhales.

"I'm sorry. That was out of line. I worry, you know I worry. I'm just a silly old man, Maria. What do I know? If Tommy trusts in this… expedition, I'm sure it will all turn out alright." He assures her.

"You're not a silly old man," Maria admonishes. "I was telling Tommy the very same things, but…" She sighs. "He saw something in them, I guess. The girl's an amazing shot, at least. Tommy won't be without decent back-up. I can take some comfort in that." They're both silent for a while, and she helps him pick up some of the worst of the damage.

"I'd never want to speak to that man again, if I was Tommy," Doc muses. "He never told us a great deal about his past, but the pain there… That much is obvious. Then again, forgiveness always did seem to come easily to him." He smiles slightly.

"Do you think they'll come back before heading out?" she asks worriedly.

"I should think so. They'd have to get supplies, make plans, and start out as early as possible tomorrow to make the most of the daylight. It would be the most logical thing to do," he says.

"Unfortunately, 'logic' never was Joel's strongest point," Tommy comments from the doorway. Maria doesn't dash over to him like one of those insipid movie heroines, because his daughter does not dash, but it's a near thing. Doc allows himself a smile of relief.

"Where'd they go?" Maria asks, noticing her husband is alone. Tommy's face is a collection of relief and regret.

"Turns out, Joel couldn't part with his girl after all. Well, that and Joel was terrified you'd shoot him if I got hurt," he says to his wife, grinning. "They took a horse and headed off to the university themselves," he explains. Doc makes a small noise of surprise.

"He's either very brave or very stupid," Maria mutters, though she doesn't seem too upset with her husband safely at her side.

"There's hardly a difference," Doc points out. "Well. That's… Well. I'm very glad you won't be leaving us, Thomas, however… I find myself somewhat concerned. Will they be alright?" Now that the immediate danger of his son-in-law possibly trekking to his doom is over, he finds himself concerned for the strangers who were kind enough to send Tommy back.

"They've managed okay so far. You shoulda heard the kid when Joel tried to talk her into goin' with me, though. Damn near threw a fit. She wouldn't leave him if her life depended on it." The awe in Tommy's voice is definitely surprising, and Doc finds himself rather disappointed that he wasn't able to meet the rather fascinating-sounding duo. "And Joel… I've never seen him like that. He really fuckin' cares about that girl."

"Obviously, if he's willing to embark on this rather complicated mission," Doc notes. "How strange… It appears your brother has had a rather extraordinary change of heart, Thomas." Tommy snorts.

"That's puttin' it mildly."

"It appears she's… fixed him. Some of him, at least. What a remarkable girl… Do you think they'll be back?" he asks curiously.

"I hope so," Tommy says.

"Indeed," Doc muses, looking out the window to the setting sun. "As do I."

*************************************************************

"Thomas, the time to pull infantile tricks on me is not when I am holding corrosive substances," Doc grits out, corking the beaker in his hand and placing it on a nearby table.

"This ain't no trick, Doc. She really is immune," Tommy assures him. The old man levels him with a stare. "I swear to God, Doc. She is."

"There is no known cure to the Cordyceps. It mutates at an exponential rate. It's alive, Thomas. You can't very well cure something that can fight back, now can you?" Tommy shrugs.

"I'm no scientist, Doc. But the girl was bitten nearly a year ago and she hasn't turned. She's immune. That's why they went to the Fireflies," he explains.

"If she really was immune, there is no way in heaven or hell that the Fireflies would let her go. A cure would be priceless. If what you say is true, the girl should be at one of their bases right now," Doc says, waving a scalpel as he makes his point. Tommy winces.

"About that…" He trails off. Doc pauses, suddenly getting a very bad feeling about the destination of this conversation.

"Your mass murdering brother did them all in, didn't he?" Doc deadpans. Tommy stays silent. "Fabulous. Just fabulous. Roughly how long do we have until Marlene busts down our proverbial door?" he asks. Tommy is still silent. "Oh, for the love of… Marlene, too? Well. No one can say he's not thorough." Doc removes his goggles and sighs. "Well. This is… Unprecedented. What do you plan to do?" he asks.

"I can't exactly kick 'em out, Doc. Joel's my brother. And Ellie's… Well, whatever she is to him, she's important. Important enough to kill an entirely Firefly faction for."

"Important enough to effectively doom all mankind for," Doc adds.

"C'mon, Doc. Neither of us really believe that," Tommy says. Doc shrugs.

"Fair enough. I can't say I'm not curious. About either of them. What are the chances of me escaping an encounter with the dynamic duo with all my extremities intact?" he inquires. Tommy snorts.

"As long as you don't make any sudden movements or try to hurt one of 'em, you should be fine. Oh, and don't mention that I told you about Ellie the first time 'round. Give 'em a chance to adapt, first. Knowin' Joel, he'll think you're gonna cut into Ellie's brain like the others were, and he'll shoot you dead."

"Cut into her- Ah. Yes. Well." Doc sighs. "Terribly unimaginative of them, if you ask me. Not that anyone does. Ever. Which is quite frankly, somewhat upsetting. Considering there's probably half a hundred other ways to pass on the cure. They were going to kill the only living example? Honestly. Idiots. What if it's genetic? If she could pass it on to her children? Or if it could be transmitted by blood transfusion or any other number of things? Hacking into a teenage girl's brain would only solidify the degree to which mankind has –pardon my French- fucked itself over," Doc huffs.

"You think you could figure something out?" Tommy asks, interested. Doc levels him with his patent I-am-a-genius-underestimate-me-at-your-own-risk look. "Okay, okay. I'll see what I can do. But Doc… She's his whole world. I ain't even exagerratin'. I've been around them for all of a day and it's more obvious than the sun in the damn sky. And people get a little crazy when it comes to the things that matter. Joel especially. Just be careful. She's as good as family, now." Doc waves a hand dismissively.

"I'm not going to treat the girl like a lab rat, Thomas. If any discoveries are made, they will simply be happy coincidences. I assure you, I will be the very image of subtlety," he promises.

In hindsight, he thinks much later when he has Trigger's revolver fairly shoved in his face, he might have spoken a bit too soon regarding the last part.

*****************************************************

Doc starts to worry about the townsfolk's reactions to their newest additions early on. At first, it's just the general curious mutterings that would follow anyone until the newness wears off. He's heard them plenty of times, and they're hardly troubling. Granted, the fact that they visited twice is cause for some extra interest. Everyone wants to know why they left, where they went. Doc admits that he was once curious himself, but now that he knows… Well. It's not as if anyone else can ever know, is it? He cringes at the very thought of it. The town would riot. The cure they all hope and pray for, sitting right in front of their noses. Ellie would never know peace for as long as any of these people lived. Doc knows exactly how that particular story ends, and it isn't happy for anyone involved.

Therefore, whenever anyone asks him if he knows anything about the mysterious newcomers, Doc will snort, tell them to mind their own business, and send them on their way. As if he's completely uninterested in the goings-on of everything outside of his workspace. Which, he thinks, would make everything a whole lot more convenient. In reality, he's terrified. Terrified of someone finding out. Terrified of something going terribly wrong. He thought the founding of the town would be the end of his fear. But, as he's said before, humanity is far more terrifying than the Cordyceps. Far more, indeed.

He and Babs talk long into the night many a night, both slightly inebriated and wholly concerned. Her telling on the little incident by the lake twist his insides with anxiety. If he's being quite honest, Louvenia terrifies him. The woman holds a strange power over the townspeople that Doc will never understand. Perhaps she holds the last shred of the old world, of churches and order and belief. Of faith, which is so hard to come by. Nothing like his Maria, frank and to-the-point, no matter what. When she talks, Doc thinks with no small bit of pride, people listen. Louvenia is different. She's insidious. Her words lie dormant until one day they're not anymore. And so, Doc is afraid.

"-completely and utterly immoral," he overhears –very well, he's spying, what else is he supposed to do, desperate times call for desperate measures- one day. Louvenia and some of her choice disciples cluck concernedly and Doc desperately wishes that woman would fall into the lake. And not come out. Ever. "An unmarried man and a young girl living together. It's completely inappropriate," Louvenia says, and her voice is so thick with fake concern he's sure it must be something solid.

"Maryanne told me they only have one bed in that shack of theirs," another woman chirps, and for fuck's sake that doesn't even-

"Someone really should say something to Tommy," a third pipes up. Doc almost wants them to, just so Tommy could tell them where exactly they could shove their polite 'concern'.

"I would, truly, but they're brothers. You know how it is with family," Louvenia says sadly, and what the hell would she know about family when her daughter's skin tone could probably be officially classified as black and blue, and she doesn't even notice- He cuts himself off, seething.

He doesn't stay to listen to any more. He fairly storms –not stomps, a gentleman does not stomp- back to his 'office' and mixes dubious substances until he's fairly sure he's made something approximating a Molotov Cocktail. He briefly considers throwing it at Louvenia Wilkes' head. He grumbles under his breath and begins to attempt to separate the mixture back to its original components. The door opens, and he freezes. If it's Tommy or Maria they'll want to know what's wrong because it's fairly common knowledge that Doc creates explosives and other dangerous substances when he's stressed.

"Hey Eustace, you in?" He's quite sure he's never been quite so happy to hear Joel's voice.

"In the back, Trigger. A moment, if you please," he calls back, keeping his tone cheerful.

"Are you making something that explodes, Doc?" Ellie asks, and of course she's here too. Do they even count as two separate entities at this point? Her question makes him choke on his own laughter. If only she knew.

"Nothing quite so exciting as that, I'm afraid," he lies. He discreetly locks away the materials to be dealt with later –he's fairly sure they won't explode as they are- and goes out to meet them. "Now what have I told you both about coming in unannounced?" He asks.

"To do it as often as possible," Ellie replies cheekily. He rolls his eyes, glad for the goggles. He's quite sure his eyes are still cloudy with worry. If either of them knew… He doesn't think he'd be able to handle the looks on their faces.

So, he huffs with mock annoyance, and jokes and laughs, and pretends everything is perfectly fine. Because it is. Really.

It has to be.

******************************************************************

It's still relatively early in the day, and Doc is arranging some of his medical textbooks –the one that survived, meaning not many, and never the ones he needs in a pinch, naturally- when he hears familiar, light footsteps against the floor.

"Hey, Doc? Are you here?" Ellie's voice is softer than usual, more subdued, which should probably have been his first clue. Naturally, it flies right over his head.

"Ellie! To what do I owe the pleasure? As for you, Trigger, do I not even warrant a greeting?" he chides playfully, turning around.

"Uh… Joel's not here," she says quietly. That definitely gets his attention. He looks. Sure enough, the girl is alone. Doc's heart stops.

"Is he hurt?" he asks, even though that doesn't quite fit, because Ellie would be screaming curses at him to hurry up if anything was wrong, but Joel would never willingly be away from Ellie for an extended period of time for anything less than a dire emergency. He's already inching towards his medical kit. Ellie shakes her head quickly.

"No, no. He's fine. He's with Tommy," she assures him. Doc frowns, confused.

"Does he know you're here?" he asks. She nods.

"He wouldn't have let me go off alone unless he knew I was gonna be with you or Babs or Maria," she says. "Old habits, I guess." She says, shrugging. Doc can't help but feel a little bubble of pride at the fact that Joel trusts him enough to keep Ellie out of harm's way while he's not present. The elated feeling quickly stops when he gets a good look at Ellie's face.

"Would you like to sit?" he asks. She nods. They walk over to one of the cots and sit down. Neither of them speaks. "You know, I'm quite a fan of silence. It can be wonderful, especially for productivity. If you'd like to continue sitting in silence I'm perfectly fine with that. But if there's something you want to talk about, that's fine, too," he says softly. Ellie exhales, and it sounds shaky, and for a brief, panicky moment he's terrified she's about to cry. Not because Joel would be infuriated, but because the idea of Ellie and tears simply don't go together. Ever. In any situation. He calms himself, though. He's raised a teenage girl before. He can handle this. He briefly debates taking a swig of some of Babs' moonshine that he keeps as an emergency anesthetic. He decides against it.

"If I tell you something, can you promise not to tell Joel? Or anyone else, but especially Joel?" she asks him quietly. A whole slew of thoughts come to mind, none of them particularly comforting, and a cold ball of dread settles in the pit of his stomach.

"I promise," he says, just as quiet. From a professional standpoint, he supposes there would be exceptions, but this is Ellie. This is friendship. This is family. So he promises. "I'll take it with me to my grave, if that's what you want." She nods, but doesn't seem any happier.

"What's a harlot?" she asks suddenly, and he blinks, confused. Then her question settles in and he clears his throat.

"Well. Um. It's. Well. The etymology of the word-" he begins. Ellie gives him a look. "Right. You'd want the most current definition, I suppose. In layman's terms, it's an old-fashioned word for a woman who others see as being sexually promiscuous." Another look. "Synonyms with… Um-"

"Slut, skank, whore?" she offers bitterly. He looks at her, mouth agape. He nods. She looks away. "I thought so. I just… I wanted to make sure." Realization is not the welcome companion it usually is. It hits him, hot and angry and shameful.

"Ellie, did someone call you all those things?" he asks. She shrugs, pointedly looking anywhere but where he's sitting. "Ellie-"

"It's not a big deal. Seriously," she says upon seeing his expression. "It's literally the farthest thing from a big deal. It doesn't bother me at all. Bricks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me. That's what people Before used to say, right?" she asks.

"Sticks and stones, actually, but bricks work too," he offers her a small smile.

"Yeah. That sounds more like what Joel said," she says, smiling back. Her expression falls again. "You really can't tell him, okay? It'll kill him. Just… you can't, okay?" And she sounds terribly close to tears. "He already worries about me enough and…" She trails off.

"Can you tell me who it was?" he asks her gently, when it appears she's having trouble speaking. He has a list of suspects already spawning in his mind, and he feels a deep anger he hasn't felt in a very long time. How dare they? How dare their parents put those ideas in their heads? He has half a mind to-

"Just some stupid kids," she assures him. "I don't even know their names. And it was just two or three. Some girls around my age and an older boy. It's fine, Doc. They're just kids. What do they know about anything?" Her voice contains a convincing nonchalance that he sees through immediately. He's been around too long to be tricked.

"Nothing," he assures her, quiet determination leaking into his voice. "They don't know anything about anything, Ellie. Don't listen to a word they say." She nods.

"I know. I… I know. But if they're thinking it… They must've heard it from somewhere, right?" He looks down at his hands. "Their parents, probably. Their moms. Does the whole town think I'm…?" She trails off, unable to finish the question.

"Of course not," Doc assures her. "It's just a few uneducated, close-minded individuals causing a ruckus for no good reason." He's not entirely sure if it's the truth, but she seems to believe him.

"Yeah. That makes sense. The other kids were either ignoring them or trying to get them to stop. A few of them seemed really upset about it and said they'd go tell Maria if they didn't stop. It's just a few people. Nothing to worry about." He's not entirely sure which one of them she's trying to convince.

"Who on earth even says 'harlot' anymore," Doc mutters in a sad attempt to lighten the mood. Ellie snorts. In reality, he knows where it probably came from. He can imagine a battered old Bible and a huffing mother reading her children outdated passages.

"It just… It makes me so mad," she says, anger lacing every word.

"They should never have called you those things," Doc agrees. "It was cruel and infantile of them." Ellie looks at him, confused. She shakes her head.

"No, not about that. Well, yeah, about that, but it's more than that, too. I mean, kids in the Zone would say worse to their best friends. It's not like I've never heard it before. I've been the new girl before. But they… They said things about Joel, Doc. Things that weren't true. Mean, stupid things and it's not fair and I couldn't take it so I punched them. Well, one of them," she mutters. He wants to get her to elaborate slightly on the part about Joel but first things first.

"You punched one of them?" he asks. She hesitantly shows him her right hand. He winces. The knuckles are badly split. He curses himself for not noticing it sooner. He grabs his medical kit. "What in the world- Ellie. You should have told me about this at the beginning." He scolds her gently. She shrugs.

"It's not a huge deal. I've had worse," she says.

"It is a very huge deal, Ellie. Promise me you'll tell me straight away if, very well let's be honest, when you get hurt next time, alright?" he says just a bit too harshly, because that just reminds him of another young girl he's had to patch up far too many times and dammit what is wrong with this town? She gives him a sad excuse for a smile.

"That's what I was doing, Doc," she tells him, and... He doesn't exactly have a response for that. He sighs to himself, disinfecting the split skin and wrapping her hand. He's about to prompt her to continue, but suddenly she's shuddering, and he wonders if the disinfectant was too strong or-"They had no fucking right to say those things about him. About us. Joel's good, Doc. He's never laid a hand on me and… and… I've known bad men, okay? There were a whole fucking lot of them in the Zone and when Joel was hurt that time in winter there was this guy… And he…" She trails off, and her eyes are the sort of glassy that Doc's seen in trauma patients and fuck he is not drunk enough for this by any means. They're both shaking, and Doc wants to ask but he doesn't want to know and Christ, how did it even get to this?

"Ellie?" he prompts softly, terrified of startling her. She seems to snap out of whatever hellish memory she was reliving.

"I know bad men. I've killed bad men. And Joel isn't. He's not. He's not and they can't say those things because they're not true, dammit, they're not because he's not he's not…" There's a note of hysteria in her voice that worries Doc on both a professional and paternal level. He shushes her softly, He puts an arm around cautiously, relaxing when she doesn't flinch.

"I know, darling. I know. Of course he's not. Every sane person in this town knows Trigger's a good man. He's one of the best men I know. What you two have is something entirely special and entirely different, and people don't understand. But I know and Tommy knows and Maria knows and, most importantly of all, you know. Nothing's going to happen to either of you. You're safe now, Ellie. You're both safe, I swear it on my life. This is my town, and if anyone doesn't like it they can very well pack their bags and leave." They sit in silence for what feels like a very long time.

"It's not fair, Doc," she tells him. He sighs and pats her back. This is so far from over, he can't even begin to see the end. Anger and empathy and sadness pulse in his brain, and all he can think of is how to fix this. Not just the situation but the pain the girl is clearly in. He wonders if she's talked to Joel about that time in the winter. He'll need to revisit that, and he dreads it. But not now. Not yet.

"Believe me, child. I know."

***********************************************

The hour in incredibly late, and the only reason Doc is still at work is due to the monumental disaster that had occurred earlier today. Tommy had, once again, managed to accidentally cause the destruction of several important specimens. That had reacted with each other. Violently. He's long since sent the boy home. As much as another pair of hands would be appreciated, he senses that Tommy would only make things worse. Not that he'd ever tell the boy that, but still.

"Hey, Eustace?" A voice calls hoarsely from behind him. He nearly jumps out of his skin, nearly tipping over a –highly reactive- vial in the process. He whips around, heart in his throat. A figure steps out of the shadows, head ducked down. Even so, it wouldn't take a man of Doc's intellect to figure out who it is. There are only so many men six feet tall and above in the town.

"Trigger?" he asks incredulously, once his heart has stopped pounding. "What on earth are you doing here? Shouldn't you be sleeping? Shouldn't Ellie be sleeping?" He looks around for the girl, and upon noting her absence, is reminded of another similar visit not at all long ago. Dread once again settles in his gut. "What's this about?" he asks, more resigned than anything else.

"Ellie's asleep," the younger man says. He pauses. "At least, I sure hope she is. Knowin' her, though, she's probably waitin' up," he admits. "Which is why I need to make this quick. She'll come lookin' if I'm gone too long," he explains. Which explains absolutely nothing. Doc stares at him blankly. Joel actually looks… sheepish. He holds out his hands, and Doc considers chugging down the aforementioned vial full of corrosive substances. They're a bloody mess. Doc adjusts his glasses, turning on another light for good measure. He silently praises his son-in-law for keeping the electricity on for him this night. Upon further inspection, the rest of Joel doesn't exactly look much better. He's battered a bruised and – Doc cringes as this realization-covered in blood what may or may not be his own, generally appears as if someone threw him down a flight of stairs. Which, he realizes, might be exactly what happened. Something else occurs to him, and the resignation appears to increase, if that's even possible.

"You finally did it, didn't you?" Doc sighs. The other man looks confused. "You finally went and killed one of the loudmouth idiots in this place." He's not exactly surprised. "Wait here. I'll go get my medical kit. And I think I have a shovel around here somewhere. Babs likely won't mind us burying-"

"Doc!" Joel interrupts. Doc pauses. "I didn't kill nobody. Jesus, old man. I got into a bit of a fight, is all." He looks at Doc strangely. "You'd help me bury a body if I did?" Doc snorts, shaking his head as he goes to retrieve his kit.

"Of course," he answers when he gets back. "What is family for, if not for burying bodies covertly in the night?" Joel gives him a look like he's not entirely sure if the old man is joking or not. "Sit." He orders, flapping a hand towards the nearest cot. Joel settles down.

"Family?" he asks, amused, as Doc fusses over his hands.

"Family," Doc affirms. "You and Ellie are family, and family helps family bury bodies. Family also picks dubious debris out of family's knuckles at godforsaken hours of the night." Joel winces as Doc's tweezers come into contact with the damaged skin.

"Sorry 'bout that. I saw the light on and I figured I'd give it a shot. Ellie'd give me hell in the mornin' if she saw my hands like this." Doc shrugs.

"Not an issue, Trigger. Not an issue at all. Dare I ask what happened?" Joel cringes at that.

"Tommy needed my help with plannin' some huntin' expeditions for next week. The meetin' ran a little late, and by the time I got out it was already dark. Some morons were piss drunk and one of 'em saw me and- Fuck." He hisses in pain. Doc swats his arm.

"That's what you get for clenching your hand when it has all sorts of crap in it, idiot." Joel grumbles incoherently, but relaxes his hands. "Now, what did he say about Ellie?" Doc asks. Joel looks at him strangely.

"I didn't say he said anythin' 'bout Ellie," he says. Doc shrugs.

"You became quite angry as soon as you started to mention what was said. Contrary to popular belief, very few things make you genuinely angry. Borrowing data from previous experiences, one can therefore extrapolate the source of your anger being what is usually is," he explains.

"In plain English?" Joel asks with a long-suffering sigh.

"When someone sullies Ellie's good name, you take it upon yourself to 'kick some ass', as it were." He pokes at a cut on Joel's face, earning him a very creative curse. "I can see that some ass was thoroughly kicked on this night," Doc muses. "I'm surprised the other participant isn't visiting me as well." Joel snorts.

"Would you have treated him if he did?" he asks. Doc gives him a look.

"Don't be stupid. If I knew the cause, he would have been booted out promptly. Possibly through the use of scientifically creative means," he assures. Joel laughs at that.

"Possibly?" he teases.

"Most definitely," Doc corrects. Comfortable silence reigns for a few moments as Doc deals with the worst of the damage. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asks after a while.

"You a shrink now, too?" Joel asks, and Doc doesn't take offense at the sudden edge in his voice.

"I'm asking as a friend, Trigger. Yours and Ellie's. You know that," he chides gently. Joel exhales, shutting his eyes for a moment.

"Wasn't even something that shoulda bothered me," he mutters. "Just a drunk runnin' his mouth. Nothin' new. But…" He trails off, palms pressed flat on either side of him with such pressure Doc's afraid the cot might give out.

"He called her names, I'm assuming? Very unflattering names? Perhaps implied some unsavoury things?" Doc guesses. Joel grinds his teeth so hard Doc's own jaw aches in sympathy.

"Yeah," he says, voice low. "Yeah, he did. So I jumped him. Fucker was sober enough to get a few good swings in," he gestures to his face, "but I think I got him good."

"I would say so," Doc agrees, dabbing antiseptic on a long, shallow cut on Joel's jaw. "While I applaud your restraint, Trigger, I am curious how you managed to not kill the man?"

"Some of the guys from the meetin' had been goin' the same way, and they managed to break it up. I'll admit, I was pretty damn sure I was gonna get my ass kicked into next week, but they seemed more pissed off at the other guy." Doc's eyebrows arch in surprise. "Yeah. Can ya believe it? Told him he shouldn't be sayin' shit like that, especially when it didn't have a lick of truth to it." Joel pauses and chuckles. "One of 'em even said they should let me go, since he'd want the opportunity to beat the bastard's ass if he was in my shoes."

"Making friends, are we?" Doc teases. Joel snorts.

"Hardly. But… They're not all complete jackasses. Which is good to know, I guess. Maybe someday. If we don't quit this place before then." Doc frowns.

"Surely you're not considering leaving, Trigger?" he asks with concern. Joel shrugs.

"It ain't been easy, that's for sure. If it was just me, it'd be fine. But Ellie doesn't deserve this bullshit. She came home the other night with her right hand all wrapped, and don't think you're gettin' out of explainin' that one." He looks at the older man pointedly. Doc fidgets with the bandaging in his hands. "She deserves a good life. I swore I'd give it to her or die tryin'. So, unless things start clearin' up a bit, we might have to." The silence that follows is anything but comfortable.

"I'm going to talk to Tommy first thing in the morning. We'll call a bloody town meeting if we must," Doc says quietly. Joel opens his mouth to protest. "No, Trigger. This is beyond ridiculous. If things need to get better, we'll make them better. But you will not leave without consulting us first." He shoves his supplies back into the kit with a bit more force than is completely necessary. "I know it's always been Ellie and you against the world, but you're not alone anymore. You have people who can help. Who want to help, might I add. You owe it to yourself and to that girl of yours to at least let us try. Please, Trigger. At the very least, give us time." He smiles wryly. "If need be, we'll sic Babs on them" he says, only half-joking. Joel shakes his head.

"There's no changin' your mind, is there?" he asks, a smile almost tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"You'd have a better chance of inebriating Babs," Doc agrees. Joel sighs.

"Fine. Stubborn old man. We'll stick around for a while longer," he relents. Doc grins, though the relief nearly makes his knees give out.

"There you are. Asshole," grumps a voice from the front, startling them both. Ellie stumbles in, yawning. "It's nearly daylight out, Joel. What the fuck? Come home. I need to sleep and I can't do that unless I know you're okay." Doc's heartstrings tug a bit at her words. He's more resolute than ever in making this town a place they can really call home. Joel smiles softly and makes a beckoning motion with his hands, wincing slightly as he flexes them. Ellie half-walks, half-stumbles over to him, fairly collapsing into his arms. He pulls her up onto the cot.

"Now, where'd you come from?" he murmurs into her hair. She mumbles unintelligibly, face mashed against his shoulder. Joel chuckles. "Didn't quite catch that."

"You were taking way too fucking long so I went looking. I would've gone to find Tommy first but the lights were on here, so I figured I'd ask Doc if he had any idea where your stupid ass had gotten to," she mutters more coherently. While he's loathe to interrupt, Doc is still concerned about her hand. He taps her arm, and she curses, flinging it out towards him. He observes her hand, nodding to himself when he sees it's healing well. He lets it drop, laughing softly to himself when it immediately goes back to what appears to be its default position; curled around Joel's neck.

"Ellie, you know you're not supposed to go out alone. Especially at night. What if some-"

"I can take care of myself," she mutters. She grabs his hand and puts it on her hip, and he snorts. Doc notices the metallic sheen underneath her shirt, and immediately understands the action.

"Just because you've got a gun on you doesn't mean you're safe," Joel mutters.

"Like you wouldn't do the same thing if I wasn't back by this hour. You'd be fucking mental. So shut up." She pulls away from his shoulder, and when she looks at his face, Doc and Joel cringe in unison. "What. The. Fuck," she growls.

"Listen, it's not as bad as it-Fuck. Stop that!" he grits out as she grabs his face, turning it left and right.

"Explain. Now," she orders. He grabs her hand, the injured one, and pries it away from him. Infinitely gentle, Doc notes, despite Joel's obvious irritation.

"If you explain this," Joel counters, running his thumb over the scabbed-over knuckles. She deflates slightly. She looks at Doc, who shrugs helplessly. She sighs.

"Fine," she mutters. "You first, though."

"I'll just…" Doc retreats backwards a few steps. They appear to not even hear him. He hurries out of the room before anything gets thrown anywhere.

He returns some time later, not even remotely surprised that they're both dead to the world. He chuckles softly to himself, quickly retrieving some spare blankets from a nearby cupboard. He pauses momentarily, observing them. They look ridiculously adorable, all curled up together, for people who've committed homicide more times than anyone can count. Doc shakes his head fondly, placing the blanket over them. Ellie stirs slightly, muttering incoherently before falling back asleep. Joel's eyes open by a small sliver.

"Remind me to kick your ass for not telling me anything," he mumbles sleepily. Doc rolls his eyes.

"I did promise, Trigger," he reminds the younger man. Joel huffs, but apparently can't find a good argument for that.

"Kick ass later. Sleep now," Ellie grumbles. Joel yawns in what appears to be agreement.

"Good night," Doc says, turning to go to his own room.

"Thanks, Doc," Joel says quietly, with surprising coherence. "For everythin'." Doc pauses.

"As I said, Trigger."

He smiles softly to himself.

"Family."

***********************************************************

"You wanted to speak to me, Doc?" Tommy asks, shaking the old man out of his thoughts. Doc clears his throat, slightly surprised by his son-in-law's entrance.

"Yes, quite." He reaches to a nearby shelf, retrieving a stack of notes he'd written the night previously. Tommy's eyebrows meet his hairline.

"You wrote notes?" he asks, sitting down in the adjacent chair. "This must be serious."

"Indeed," Doc mutters, rifling through the papers. It occurs to him that he may be making a grave mistake. The townspeople could riot. Or abandon the area completely. Any number of horrible, terrible things could most definitely occur in the ensuing aftermath of his conversation with Tommy. And yet… And yet.

For a long time, Doc had a large family. His wife, his daughter, cousins and nieces and nephews galore. Then, he had his little trio. His wife, his daughter, and himself. Then he and Maria became a grieving duo. Tommy arrived, and made a joyous trio once more, though never the same as before. Babs became a plus one, to make things interesting. And they'd happily gone on like that for a good span of time. And then…

Then EllieandJoel happened. A most unorthodox pair that really shouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of working. And yet it does. They do. They do more than work. They thrive, despite the universe's incredible attempts to the contrary. There's a devotion deeper than the Marianas Trench between them, and it makes them stupid and illogical and dangerously codependent. On a professional, logical level, it's troubling. On a human, emotional level, it's fucking beautiful.

Doc's an old man. He won't live forever. He knows this well. If the apocalypse gives you anything, it's a reality check on the subject of your mortality. When he eventually kicks the proverbial bucket, he wants to do so knowing he's left something behind. Something great. More than the town, more than anything material. He wants to know he's left behind a family. A happy one, if at all possible. And some way, somehow, those two codependent idiots managed to wedge themselves into Doc's definition of 'family'. The trio plus one became a trio plus three, and eventually a quintet plus one. And he'll be damned if it doesn't stay that way, he decides as he settles in for what will surely be a long conversation.

Doc really does consider himself a family man. Because, in the end, that's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what keeps humanity human, through plagues and wars and yes, even the fucking apocalypse.

Family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Well. That got really deep. Um. So… Yeah. Here's a massive 7k oneshot for you guys. 16 FUCKING PAGES THAT IS A RECORD. I'm exhausted. Be entertained by this for a bit while I sleep, yeah? Some of this stuff was pretty heavy, especially that bit with Ellie confiding in Doc. Hopefully I did it justice. There is a related chapter to that one in another fic I will be writing. So. That's a thing that will happen. Basically, a lot was covered here, and I wasn't able to delve into everything, either because of length or plot, or, most often, because of the natural restrictions that come with any POV that is not omnipresent, especially with a neurotic little headcase like Doc. I have loads and loads of extras and headcanons for this one, so if anyone needs/wants/is curious about clarification, my inbox is open. I guess that's it. Not entirely sure if I'm happy with it, but 7 thousand words later, well, I give up. HERE TAKE IT I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE! I own nothing except for what I own. See y'all next time. P.S: IDK if another chapter will be up by then or not, but I'm totally unavailable on the 22nd of July, as it is in fact my birthday, and since I was planning on posting something that day, it'll have to be on hold. So. Just wanted to let you guys know. I except to be sung to, BTW. Also presents. I kid, I kid. Anyways. Bye!


	8. viii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally titled 'Under the Stars'. Joel takes Ellie camping. It goes... surprisingly well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: For fuck's sakes. THIS IS ALMOST 4K WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT I AM SICK I SHOULD BE NAPPING BUT NOOOO INSTEAD I'M WRITING ABOUT THESE IDIOTS. Warnings for copious use of lyrics not my own and TEETH ROTTING FLUFF I AM WARNING YOU RIGHT NOW!

"This is your brilliant solution?" Ellie mutters in disbelief. She learned a long time ago to not hold expectations from one day to the next, but even so, she definitely had not seen this coming. "Half the town has it out for us and you decide to take me camping?" She can practically hear Joel rolling his eyes. He has a very audible eye roll. She's been on the receiving end of it enough times to know.

"You got a better idea?" he asks, voice more amused than irritated.

"Not really," she admits.

"Then shut up and walk, girl." There's barely contained laughter in his voice, but he manages to keep a straight face. Ellie grumbles, more out of habit than anything else. They passed the first line of trees a few minutes ago, she notes, and the path is entirely unfamiliar.

"Are you sure you know where we're going?" she asks suspiciously. "Should we go find Babs and ask her for directions?" Joel snorts.

"Knowin' that old witch, she'd send us into the middle of nowhere just to prove a point," he says.

"No, she wouldn't. She likes me. She'd invite me to stay for some tea and then send you out to the middle of nowhere just to prove a point," Ellie corrects. Joel chuckles and shoves at her playfully, barely moving her. He's always incredibly gentle with things like that, like he's afraid he's going to hurt her. She'd take offense, but the thing is, she knows it's not because he's afraid she's not strong enough to take it. He's afraid of himself. So she rolls her eyes and shoves him back, hard. He's got nothing to be afraid of. Even if he's uncertain about himself, she isn't.

"'Sides, I know exactly where we're goin'," he informs her. She fixes him with a look of disbelief. "What? I do," he says defensively.

"And where, exactly, is this place?" she asks.

"It's a surprise," he says smugly. She's pretty sure that's all she's gonna get out of him, so she lets it go and changes to another topic.

"So… Why the sudden urge to return to the great outdoors?" she asks. "Missing all of those nights out under the stars?" Her tone is humorous, because that's really the only way to deal with the memories of the absolute hell they'd been through.

"Hardly," Joel turns unexpectedly, and she skids to a halt, her face nearly meeting with a tree.

"Hey! Watch it!" she grumbles. He makes an amused noise and keeps moving, though he spares a glance to make sure she's alright.

"There's a real big difference between sleepin' outside 'cause you have to and sleepin' outside 'cause you wanna. You'll like it, I promise," he assures. Ellie rolls her eyes, jogging slightly to catch up.

"Hey, if it gets me away from the crazies for a while, I don't care if we're hiking to a pile of dirt. I'm just glad to be out," she tells him. His silence worries her, and his face has traces of guilt on it when she looks at him. "Oh, come on. I didn't mean it like that. It's really not that bad, Joel. We're OK, aren't we?" Her voice is a little smaller, and little more uncertain. He shakes himself and offers her a small smile.

"Yeah. We're OK," he reaches for her hand, the scabbed-over one, and she grabs on immediately. It's a reflex, at this point. "I just… I wish things were better, Ellie. Easier. After everythin' that's happened, you deserve better."

"We," she corrects immediately. "We deserve better." She leans against him slightly. He doesn't reply to that, but he doesn't correct her, either.

"Better than skinned knuckles and bullets to the leg," he mutters, thumb going over her injured hand as he speaks. He's been doing that a lot, lately. She doesn't think he's entirely conscious of it, either. It reminds her of how he plays with her hair when he's nervous. It's nice, she thinks. A solid sort of comfort in an unfamiliar situation.

"The bullet was an accident," she reminds him. He snorts. She knows he still believes that particular injury was on purpose. They walk in silence for a few moments. Ellie weighs her next words carefully. "You deserve better, too," she says quietly as they're crossing a small stream. He heaves a sigh.

"Ellie…" he begins, slowing to a stop.

"Shut up for a second and let me talk," she orders. He does. "You do, OK? And I know you hate talking about… pretty much everything, but this self-loathing bullshit's gotta stop. For fuck's sake, Joel, the only time you've actually busted someone's ass in town was because they said stuff about me." She charges ahead of him in a huff, only to change her mind and turn back around. "Which was pretty fucking stupid, by the way. They say way worse things about you and if you were gonna kick some ass it should at least be for something important."

"You are important," he says quietly, and… She can't find a good comeback for that. She's not entirely sure one actually exists. Joel clears his throat and starts moving again. "'Sides, the shit they say 'bout me is mostly true. I've… I've done terrible things," he mutters. Ellie snorts. He gives her a shocked look.

"Don't even try that shit with me," she tells him, following after. "The whole 'oh I'm such a terrible person let me carry the weight of the world on my shoulders while I angst' thing is getting really fucking old, OK? So just… Stop it. I know what you've done. Have you conveniently forgotten who talks you down after your nightmares? I know. I've seen most of it and what I haven't seen, I can imagine. And I'm still here, Joel. I'm always gonna be here." She says the last part almost desperately. She thinks the chaos of the last few days has gotten to her. She just wants to make him understand. She's not gonna leave him and he sure as hell deserves to be happy. A strange look crosses his face, almost like he's let his guard down for a minute before closing up again. Her heart tugs a bit –OK, more than a bit- at the brief show of emotion.

"It shouldn't be like that," he mutters, but she's not entirely sure if he's talking to her. "You shouldn't- It just ain't healthy." She bumps him gently with her shoulder.

"Deal with it. That's just the way it is. We stick together, remember? That means forever. Or until we die. Whichever comes first." Despite her words, she sounds awfully cheerful. He looks at her for a long moment, like he can't believe she's real. There's a sort of wonder there that she can't really explain, but makes her heart feel warm.

"How's your leg holdin' up?" he asks, changing the subject in a way she knows means she's won this round. She shrugs.

"Fine. Just like it has been for the past thousand times you've asked me that question," she says, voice teasing. He grumbles unintelligibly. She laughs. "It's OK. I know you worry." She pauses. "I worry about you too, so I guess we're even." That earns her a smile. "Are we there yet?" she asks, not because she really cares but to lighter the atmosphere. They both seem to be in agreement to keep the heavy stuff for later, because Joel shoots her a look of mock annoyance.

"Does it look like we're there yet?" he counters, amused.

"How would I know? It's not like you're telling me where we're going," she grumbles.

"We're almost there... I think." He laughs at her expression, and she's relieved t see some of the tension in his face drain. "I'm kiddin', Ellie. Just relax and… I dunno. Enjoy the scenery. Or somethin'." There's not really any options for 'or somethin'' so she concentrates on the scenery. Summer's really giving it all it's got, she thinks. Everything is ridiculously green, clearly visible despite the only small amounts of light filtering through the treetops. Even if the people can be kinda shitty, there's no arguing that they couldn't have chosen a prettier place to call home.

She's never hiked this far into the woods before, and while she knows she should be on the lookout for Infected or bandits or wild animals, she's distracted enough that she doesn't notice when Joel stops, causing her to slam face-first into his back. She yelps, rubbing her nose. Like walking into a fucking brick wall, she thinks to herself.

"Watch yourself," he teases. Ellie grumbles some choice words in his direction, before looking at what caused the sudden stop. A large outcrop of rock juts out right in front of them. It's too high up for her to reach, but Joel manages it easily enough, helping her along once he's up.

"Joel, shouldn't we be hurrying up a little?" she asks, dusting herself off. "I think it's getting…" She looks up, trailing off as her eyes widen. "Dark." They're faced with a wide, open clearing, void of trees or… anything, really. Anything, that is, except for the little setup in the middle of the space. There's already a fire pit ready to be lit and, to Ellie's extreme delight, a guitar. The guitar. Night has already begun it's descent, and stars are blinking into existence everywhere she looks. "Joel?" she asks, not entirely sure what she's trying to ask.

"Why all the surprise?" he teases her, the huge smile on his face blinding in the fading light. "I told you we were goin' campin', didn't I?" She's still speechless. She didn't know what to expect, but this… This is beautiful. "How 'bout that view, huh? Now stop gawkin' and come help me set up." He nudges her shoulder, and for lack of a retort, she obeys. Once the fire is lit –that in itself is something entirely special because Joel never lights fires unnecessarily- and their sleeping bags are out of their packs and onto the ground, Ellie manages to form a question.

"How did you manage to get this all set up?" she asks him, incredulous. He shrugs, smile all smug. "You were with me all day."

"I may have had some help," he tells her with a wink. He reaches for the guitar, pausing when something falls out of it. It's a small pouch, attached to a piece of paper. Joel reads it quickly, shoving it into his pack as soon as he's done.

"What's that?" she asks curiously, reaching toward the pack. Joel moves it out of reach.

"Nothin' important. Just the old woman lettin' me know I owe her," he says dismissively. She arches an eyebrow, sensing a lie but not entirely concerned by it.

"Babs helped you with this?" she asks.

"She agreed that we needed to get away for a little while," he explains. "I left the guitar up at her place early this mornin' and she did the rest." He smiles fondly, and Ellie thinks that she wouldn't be wrong in saying that Babs has wormed her way into Joel's incredibly small –but expanding, Ellie notes happily- circle of friends. "We'll swing by and thank her in the mornin'. Now, where'd I put those damn- Here we go," he mutters to himself, rummaging through his pack and producing a plastic bag filled with-

"No way," Ellie gasps, eyes sparkling. "Marshmallows? Really?" Joel's told her about them before, how people Before used to love them. She'd mentioned, in passing, that she would've liked to try one if the world hadn't gone to shit. "Where the fuck did you find marshmallows? I'm pretty sure you can't grow those." Joel chuckles.

"Tommy's got some interesting things in storage. 'Sides, I'm sure Doc woulda found a way to make some from scratch if I told him they were for you." He shakes his head in amusement.

"What can I say, I'm lovable," she says smugly, grabbing a marshmallow from the bag. Joel opens his mouth to say something, but then stops himself.

"Here, lemme teach you," he offers, grabbing a couple of sticks. After a few burned attempts, which Joel insisted were still delicious, actually eating the blackened marshmallows to Ellie's amazement and slight disgust, she gets the hang of it.

"Ah, shit." She laughs, getting some in her hair. OK, maybe she hasn't entirely gotten the hang of it just yet. Joel laughs and helps her pick it out. "Why're you doing this?" She asks him after a few beats of comfortable silence. "Not that I'm not completely thrilled you did, because it's amazing, but it's not my birthday or anything." He stares into the fire for a moment before looking at her.

"We're celebratin'," he says simply.

"Celebrating what?" she asks, laughing slightly. He shrugs.

"Life, I guess. The good stuff in it, at least." He smiles slightly at her, and she returns it. "I reckon that's as good a reason as any."

"I reckon so," she says, in what she thinks is a pretty good impression of his voice. He rolls his eyes, grinning, and turns around. Ellie makes a happy noise –not a squeal, she is a compete badass and badasses do not squeal fuck you very much- and claps her hands as he reaches for the guitar. "Have you thought of a new one?" She asks excitedly.

"Yep. Figured I'd save it for a day like today." He strums out a few random –probably not at all random but she hasn't exactly caught on to the whole guitar thing yet so she wouldn't know- chords, smiling in that special way he always does when he has the guitar in his hands. Like she said that first night, the instrument is definitely magic.

She goes completely silent, hardly even daring to breathe. She doesn't want to interfere with the beauty of the sound. His hands and breathing are a little shaky, like they always are right before he starts playing. One day she'll ask him why he gets so nervous, but not right now. He begins to strum in earnest now, and her breath catches in her throat.

"I wish I was a slave to an age old trade…" he begins, the sound curling in the night air with the fire smoke. "Like ridin' around on railcars and workin' long days. Lord have mercy on my rough and rowdy ways…"

No matter how many times he sings for her, no matter how many times she hears the guitar, hears his voice, it always hits her like the first time. Her heart still clenches like it's going to explode and she still feels that all-encompassing, almost painful happiness that makes everything she's ever been through worthwhile.

"Call it one drink too many, call it pride of a man…" he drawls out. She closes her eyes, resting her head on his shoulder. "Don't make no difference, if you sit, or you stand..." A bright flash makes her eyes open wide, just in time to catch a white streak soaring across the night sky. She's never seen one, but they appear often enough in Savage Starlight for her to recognize a meteor.

"Joel," she whispers, clutching his arm. Her chuckles deep in his throat, a low sound that honestly sounds like part of the song.

"I see it, I see it," he tells her, not sounding at all surprised. "Want me to stop so you can watch?" he offers.

"No!" she whispers as loud as she can, not wanting to interrupt the moment by speaking any louder. "Please keep going." He keeps on without missing a beat, and she presses herself closer. As if a switch has been flipped, more streaks flash into sight, and if she could find her voice, Ellie would probably be laughing. Joel croons the bridge of the song, and Ellie finds herself joining in. She's not all that good, but it makes Joel real happy whenever she does. True to form, a huge smile flashes over his face as soon as she opens her mouth.

"I know there's California, Oklahoma, and all the places I ain't ever been to, but down in the valley, with whiskey rivers, these are the places you will find me hidin'… These are the places I will always go…"

On a logical level, she knows she's imagining things, but if you asked her now she'd swear the meteors and the music were perfectly synced. She's never seen so many shooting stars, not even in the comics. She wonders, for all of a second, if Joel planned this tonight specifically before she realizes, of course he did.

"I am on my way back to where I started…" The bridge comes again, and she sings along again, because why the fuck not. Joel laughs out loud this time, not because he thinks it's funny, she knows, but because he's thrilled. "I am on my way…" he begins again, nudging her slightly. She shakes her head, face heating, but she's laughing too because for fuck's sakes she should never have even lived this long, she's cheated death a thousand times, so she's gonna fucking sing.

"I am on my way back to where I started…" she sings.

"California, Oklahoma…"

"All of the places I ain't ever been too…"

"Down in the valley, with whiskey rivers, these are the places you will find me hidin', these are the places I will always go…" They sing together. If she's learned one thing from all these nights, it's been to pick up fast on lyrics. She likes to think she's kinda a pro at it.

"I wish I was a slave to an age old trade…" Joel murmurs, the strumming slowing down. "Lord have mercy…"

"On my rough and rowdy ways," Ellie joins in for the last part. The strumming continues for a while, finally fading out into the night. She groans quietly.

"I sounded terrible. Why do you let me embarrass myself like that?" she asks. He laughs out loud, shaking his head. He lays down the guitar and stands, holding out his hand. "What are you doing?" she asks, laughter in her voice.

"Just stand up," he tells her, and he's grinning in a way that makes her certain she's going to embarrass herself even more. She lets out a long-suffering sigh and takes his hand. Like she said before; it's a reflex. The meteors are still going, and she's dazzled by them for a moment before Joel pulls her up. "Damn, it's been a while. Lemme see if I can remember… OK. Put your hand on my shoulder…Yeah, OK. Good." He pulls a thoughtful face, and it occurs to her what he's attempting to accomplish here. Ellie bursts out laughing.

"Seriously? Are you actually trying to teach my how to dance? Why the hell?" she manages to get out.

"The way I see it, you'll either think you're better at it than singing' or you'll think you're worse. Either way, you'll learn somethin' and we won't have to go through this every time I break out the guitar. Stop insultin' my teachin' skills and work with me here, OK?"

"That is such bullshit." She snorts. He gives her a Look. "OK, OK. But don't we need music? You can't exactly dance with the guitar." She informs him. Right on cue, he begins to hum the same song from earlier. "Oh, god." She mutters. "I apologize in advance for the damage to your feet." Unsurprisingly enough, when they start to move she almost immediately trips over his foot. Or hers. She's not exactly sure which. Joel doesn't laugh like she expects him to. He helps her right herself before talking.

"Just relax. Don't think about it or you'll mess up," he says soothingly. The humming resumes, and she tries his advice. She's still a bit shaky, but it's better. She looks down, and he squeezes her hand. "Don't look down. Just… Look at the sky." She does. She finds herself humming along with Joel, letting him move them around the clearing.

"California, Oklahoma…" she sings under her breath. If he hears her, she'll never hear the end of it. It's not like she can help it. The stupid song's stuck in her head. She feels his grip tighten for a fraction of a second and she's pretty sure he heard. Ah, fuck it. She's having fun. They continue like that for what feels like a long time and no time at all. She's not sure how many times Joel hums the song. She's not sure she cares. "Lord have mercy on my rough and rowdy ways…" she murmurs as they come to a stop. She hazards a look at Joel's face to see if she did OK. He's grinning like an idiot and the light from the shower gives her just enough to see his eyes. She finds herself smiling despite herself.

"That was… Not terrible," she admits, letting herself fall back down to the ground. Joel lets her pull him down with her, and she fits back into her usual spot against his chest.

"See? Told ya," he says. Again with the smugness. She rolls her eyes internally. "And for the record-"

"Oh, wow…" she cuts him off, as a particularly brilliant beam flashes across the sky. He chuckles, shifting to get comfortable. "Wait, what did you say?" She asks distractedly. She feels him smile into her hair.

"You sounded beautiful."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I did it! I FUCKING WROTE THE FLUFFY CAMPING FIC I DID IT! Also someone asked for Ellie singing. So. There you go. Let it not be said I don't give you guys things. As per usual, any questions about headcanons or extra tidbits for this oneshot, feel free to ask. The song, which I'm sure you all want to know, is 'Down By the River' by 'The Head and the Heart'. And here, my friends, I draw Counting Stars to a close. Well, for now, at least. I'll probably get stuck and need to write another oneshot, but from now on the story will appear on the sites as complete, so keep following just in case. The first Oneshot of Doom (which is becoming chaptered, actually) is up next, but let's be honest with this series we can never know. I won't be writing for a while because, as I mentioned, my birthday is in fact tomorrow and I'll also be away on the following day, the 23rd, as I'm going on a slightly belated birthday trip. Also I'm fucking sick so I need to rest and not have feels over fictional characters. So. Thank you so everyone who's already offered me well wishes and even written me things and offered other presents, and thank you to everyone who may do that tomorrow when I'm not on. I love you all, thank you so much, here's to another amazing year and hopefully we'll still be here together this time next year! I own nothing except for what I do. Bye guys!


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